I Want The Dad Back Who Picked Me Up From The School Talent Show And Took Me Straight To Big Bear, Pampering

I want the dad back who picked me up from the school talent show and took me straight to Big Bear, pampering me with coloring books and hot baths.

Making me feel special inside, like I was in a different, more magical, sparkly world. Like everything was fun and tasted differently, because I was with him, and we were in the snow, in a little cabin.

Even just in his car on the way there I was the most special girl alive, the luckiest girl alive. He loved me. He liked me.

Enough to scoop me up and take me straight to fun.

Now my dad is dead, he’s full of gray, he’s never the same. He’s bitter where he used to be sweet. There’s dead ends where there used to be endless paths, escapades.

I don’t know if it’s my fault or his makeup. If it can’t be changed or if it’s because I changed, because I sullied it by growing up.

Where did I go wrong? Where did he start to change? When did he leave me, and become who he is now?

A cruel stranger, one who changes like the wind, one who I could never trust.

I used to be a smart girl Oh all the things you took away from me You beat me down til I barely had a brain And now I’m on all these meds And I’m just focused on surviving But I remember when I used to weave intricacies with my tongue And now it all feels forced; it all feels wrong Oh all the things you took away I used to think people were victims If they deigned to say they were stolen from But now I know just how easy a spirit can be taken Yeah you stole from me and now I’m trying to rebuild myself And I’m doing it better And it’s taking a whole lot of help But it doesn’t involve you Yeah I need nothing from you I just miss how I used to be smart girl I used to be a strong girl But somehow all you put me through left me weaker Now I’m a small girl Just like you wanted I miss how wide my mind used to be How specific I’d see Now I’m an average Jane Carved by an average joe I’ll get myself back But don’t know if I can say the same for you Because the truth is I have no idea who you are anymore And I don’t think you do too But I hope you get it together If not for my sake, for yours Yeah I hope you get it together And I’ll be a smart girl again I’ll be a smarter girl And I’ll stay far away from you

I love you but all you know how to do is hurt me I can only love you from afar From the safety of my bed I can look at your picture Without you tangled up in my life I can love you With the peace of your absence I can love you I can feel your warmth when you are gone When you’re next to me all I feel are burns. When I am safe from you I can love you When you can’t spew your acid at me I can feel your soft edges And I can love you When I can’t feel you When I can’t know you When I can’t hear you When I can’t see you When you’re far enough away to wonder if you’re still real When I’m far enough out of reach that not even your thoughts can touch me When I can’t be your prey in any way When you can’t touch me I can love you

Weakling

I was a hopeless girl. I was romantic. I was pathetic. I wasn’t strong, cynical, sexual.

I was weak, unstable, desiring romance, desiring rest, shelter of a mans arms.

I wasn’t smart enough to be one of the cool ones, one of the ones who ‘got’ it. I was that girl feminists desperately wanted to not exist.

I saw men as stronger than women, and I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be the less strong one.

I wanted to be taken care of. I wanted to take care of someone.

I wanted to be able to be gentle, to not have any bite in me. I wanted to be able to look in the eyes of every person with surrender and kindness, with no walls of proactive aggression.

I was unbalanced, unsuited for the world that required well roundedness, not just well-meaning kindness.

people saw me as weak, ditsy, not someone to be taken seriously.

I didn’t want to fight anymore. I wanted to rest. I wanted to have someone else do the fighting and just rest.

in short, I wanted to live in a fantasy.

I wanted to have one job: to love. to be loving. I didn’t want to protect myself anymore. I just wanted fun, adventure, laughter, sweetness, kindness.

I didn’t want to be cool, or smart, or wicked. the cool smart ones were rarely very nice.

the in crowd almost always required a cold callous detachment that I could never even feign to have.

I always cared too much about everything. I just wanted goodness, at no ones expense. I wanted everyone to feel included around me, and no one to feel sidelined.

but I hadn’t the tools to do it.

I wanted softness, roundness, no sharp edges. But I hadn’t the energy to manage it, to muster it up, to maintain it.

I wanted to float. I didn’t want to run into any blades that would pop my frail, thin exterior and bring me sharply down to reality, the ground.

the ground was too miserable, too dark, too bleak, too confusing.

I didn’t understand any of the goings-on of people.

it required so much to be a successful, respectable person, and I don’t think I had maybe 70% of those qualifications.

I was a weakling. I wanted to live in a pocket of secret sweetness, and hide from the world and its venom and vitriol.

I wanted a little world of my own.

I didn’t like the one I’d been born into. 

i've always felt like there was something wrong with me but now i wonder if i'm truly really broken if something separates me from the gleeful, easy laughs of strangers those that can get along with most anyone while my tongue slows to a halt and a stutter and stop i wonder if everything that’s happened has shattered everything easy about me and now i'm just hard. difficult and unyielding, too stiff to touch i wonder if this is what it means losing my innocence and if there’s any way i can get it back or i'm just mutilated, maimed from somebody’s else’s words

When you walk in a room you light the whole thing up Stomach sinking in a room full of people when you’re not there I miss you Don’t wanna be too clingy Don’t wanna smile at you too hard Wanna keep the balance right Not be weird But you’re the funnest person here It’s so dull when you’re gone Don’t be weird girl Feels like everyone hates me anyway But you look at me and I’m alright Do you know how special you are? How nervous you'd make me if you were a guy Feel safe when you’re there