ASTIGMATISM

ASTIGMATISM

I miss you more than you know

It’s probably bad for my health

But you know like I know

We just gotta play the hand that we’re dealt

And if that means we can’t be

Together, right now or even forever

At least I still see your face in my dreams

And all of our memories, I’ll keep

The hands on a clock don’t stop, don’t rewind

But I want to go back, when you were mine

You’re gone but I don’t understand why

I’m falling apart, why do you seem just fine?

All I see is us in my mind

You ripped the sun from my sky

And when you leave me like this

There really ain’t no sunshine

Asking God if I could just go back

To the exact moment in time

To the night that I met you

I knew the stars had aligned

—

We could have made it, right?

Does it keep you up at night?

Does it make you wonder?

Does it eat you alive?

Have to tell myself lie after lie

Or I’d end up going out my mind

And I know it’s not my fault,

But I should’ve kept you inside

Cant no motherfucking body say that I didn’t try

I would’ve laid down and died

Pathetic but fuck it

You were my entire life

God only knows how much of my soul went with you

I’m just a ghost you left behind

And maybe we coulda been fine

Maybe not, but I wonder all the time

And ain’t it Fucked up how only now you realize

My love for you was more than alive

Took for granted, Jesus Christ

Now all you can do is sit and watch it die

No closure, nothing

You can’t even say goodbye

Then all of a sudden

Everything is 20/20

Like damn, I should have seen it coming

Hindsight

09.20.2023

2:18 A.M.

🔍

THE LAST TIME

People tell me to stay away from you

I tell them to fuck off

“Tatt my name on you so I know it’s real”

& that’s what I plan to do

And we already got matching mugshots

I was just naked in your bed, I miss you

How’d we end up so far apart?

The mirror beside us was my favorite thing to watch

The last time we had sex, you were asleep in my car

You were mad at me, so I let you doze off

Two hours later, I leaned over & kissed your neck real soft

Like “hey wake up, I want you to take my panties off”

10.26.2023

3:02 A.M.

IDOC

People say stay away from you

& I tell them to fuck off

Let them talk & let them judge

I’m a fool for your love & irs just the two of us

Take a chance roll the dice,

Life ain’t fair & love don’t play nice

But me and you, you & I

As long as I got your heart, you can have mine

Space & distance don’t factor in

And I forgot about all the time you gotta spend

Away from me — locks & bars & keys

Miles apart but I still know your heartbeat

Think of me instead of the concrete

Go to sleep, sweet dreams

And when the sun comes up again, you’ll be one day closer to me

10.02.2023

1:56 A.M.

⏳

A Text About How Dark My Mind Can Get Sometimes:

I fell asleep. I’ve been exhausted lately. I really need to get my mental health under control or something. My ADD is like unbearable, I get so overwhelmed because my brain can’t focus on one thing then it gets overloaded and shuts down so I end up doing absolutely nothing. That’s when my depression kicks in because I feel guilty for not doing normal things or doing things “correctly” and then I feel an insane amount of guilt or like I should be farther in life by now.

Sometimes you don’t know what a person is going through. I know I may have upset you by not replying but you do not understand what it feels like to be me, just as I don’t understand what it feels like to be you.

And no matter what mood I’m in, I won’t ever be mean to you or say things to hurt your feelings.

I know that everybody has their own issues, life is hard sometimes, so I would never want to bring any negativity into your life, because life already has enough negative things that it likes to throw at us.

So in the future, all I ask of you is to just think before you say something out of frustration please.

PSA:

You cannot put everyone on. You will drown trying to rescue the people who were never taught to swim.

CAUTERIZATION

When life gets hard

I get high

Smoke in my lungs

With tears in my eyes

Clouds of bad habits

Billow up at the sky

Say it’s unhealthy,

You’re probably right

But I couldn’t care,

It’s how I get by

Pain is a drug to me

I lack the ability to react emotionally

Pain is normal,

A common thing

Distorting the lines of reality

And even though I know

It may one day kill me

As lethal as it may be

I don’t ever ask it to leave

Desperation… to feel anything

I would let all the hurt, swallow me

And to explain it; there is no analogy

It’s all in my soul, you see

Nothing I could write,

Nothing you could ever read

Could make another human being

Feel just how it feels,

to feel absolutely nothing

03.17.2024

2:45 A.M.

He’s still in the county jail, they haven’t taken him to prison yet. Said his out date would be some time in 2028. I don’t see how it could be that soon, somebody probably miscalculated & I’m not getting my hopes up. I hope I can change in the years that he isn’t around. I hope I can get my shit together. I think I will. I know I will. I’ll be 28 next month. I wanna be happy again.