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Apollo: I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

Hermes: Damn, that sounds like a marriage proposal.

Apollo, getting down on one knee: That's 'cause it is.

Apollo: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out!

Hermes: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?

Apollo: I don't know, surprise me!

Hermes: I’m in love with you.

Apollo: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.

Hermes: I know.

Apollo: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

Hermes: Am I going too far?

Apollo: No, no, no. You went too far about seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.

Apollo: You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.

Hermes, drinking toast: Why do you say that?

Apollo: Here's some advice-

Hermes: I didn't ask for any.

Apollo: Too bad. I'm stuck here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me.

Apollo: I was arrested for being too cool.

Hermes: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

Apollo: How petty can you get?

Hermes: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

Hermes: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*

Apollo: What did you do?

Hermes: Nobody died.

Apollo: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Hermes: Today is a day of running through hurdles.

Apollo: Aren’t you supposed to jump OVER hurdles?

Hermes: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.

Apollo: Hey Hermes can I get a sip of your water?

Hermes: It's not water.

Apollo: Vodka, I like your style!

Hermes: It's vinegar.

Apollo: Wh-Wha-

Hermes: It's vinegar, COWARD.

Apollo: Is something burning?

Hermes: Just my love for you.

Apollo: Hermes, the toaster is on fire.

Apollo: Hermes...

Hermes: Oh no, 'Hermes' in b-flat.

Hermes: You're disappointed

Hermes: Whaddya call a fish with no eye?

Apollo, not looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Hermes:

Hermes: fsh

Apollo: This is such a bad idea.

Hermes: Then why are you coming along?

Apollo: One of us need to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.

Hermes: Okay. I get it. You've had a really hard time lately, you're stressed out, seven people died-

Apollo: Twelve, actually.

Hermes: Not the point. Look, they're dead now and really whose fault is that?

Apollo: Yours!

Hermes: That's right: no one's.

Hermes: Look. I may not be a saint, but it's not like I’ve killed anybody. I’m not an arsonist. I’ve never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Apollo: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

Hermes, pointing: May I sit there?

Apollo: That's my lap

Hermes: That doesn't answer my question, Apollo

Hermes: I turned out perfectly fine!

Apollo: Hermes, this morning you thought a ghost made your toast

Hermes: I DIDN’T PUT THE BREAD IN! YOU DIDN’T PUT THE BREAD IN!!!

Apollo: Im going to start a false crime podcast where I explain crimes that never actually happened.

Hermes: Im going to do the crimes you explain, forcing you into having a true crime podcast.

Apollo: Just to be sure, are you asking me romantically or platonically?

Hermes, down on one knee, ring still out: You did not just fucking ask me that-

Apollo: Crushes are the worst.

Hermes: I know! Whenever I’m around mine, I always act stupid.

Apollo: Pffffttt, you always act stupid!

Hermes:

Hermes: Please don’t think about that too hard.