Discovered Our First Animal Alter Today (although Hes Not Technically An Animal So Animal Presenting).

Discovered our first animal alter today (although he’s not technically an animal so animal presenting).

We have a good few non-humans (fantasy type folks) but no animals. He’s been here for a few years apparently and he’s called Alfie! He shapeshifts between animal forms and is an introject from His Dark Materials. Sooo yeah! Excited to have him around ✨✨

hey real quick? shoutout to aplatonics. shoutout to aplspecs. shoutout to grey apls. shoutout to demi apls. shoutout to alloallo apls. shoutout to alloace apls. shoutout to aroallo apls. shoutout to aroace apls. shoutout to loveless apls. shoutout to heartless apls. shoutout to neurodivergent apls. shoutout to persodivergent apls. shoutout to mentally ill apls. shoutout to traumatized apls. shoutout to apls who are apl because of trauma. shoutout to apls who have platonic relationships. shoutout to apls who don't have platonic relationships. shoutout to apls who don't know they're apl. shoutout to questioning apls.

shoutout to all apls.

How having a "favorite person" if you have ASPD/NPD can look like.

What I read in cluster B spaces is that many people seem to have the opinion that a "favorite person" is just a BPD thing.

To understand why it's not just something for BPD, someone has to think about what an FP even is. To simplify it, just so everyone knows where I'm coming from - "favorite person" is basically just someone you have a VERY unhealthy attachment towards, and everyone with a cluster B disorder is capable of having that.

Fuck, most mentally ill people who have childhood trauma are capable of having that. It is just very common for BPD, so common that it's in the diagnosis criteria. It tends to also be more intense for people with BPD, but the concept on its own is not that rare.

I will explain it a bit how it looks like for me. I am diagnosed with ASPD and NPD, and I got forensically assessed as a psychopath when I went to prison.

I will talk about the second one first, as this is the most similar to the typical "FP" someone associates with BPD.

An unhealthy attachment can show for me in two ways. One is very subtle, the other one is full force and hits me straight into the face.

A few months ago, I met a man who is around 15 years older than me. He is wonderful, but I won't go into details here about that. Regardless, as the friendship developed, I noticed that I got very attached to him. It started slow for me, but it ended with me being upset and angry because he did not give me as much attention as I wanted to. He did not listen to me enough, he did not include me enough, he did not spend enough time with me, he did not do this or that enough. He was not enough.

I would get unreasonably pissed off if I saw him spending time with someone else. I would feel abandoned if I would see him online and he did not text me immediately. Or, even worse, he would text in a discord server we share but not respond to my DMs. That felt like straight up betrayal, and I was so unbelievably angry. I developed a black and white thinking, I thought he hates me - until he texted me, and everything was fine again. I was so incredibly possessive about him. He was mine. Don't even think about befriending him, because he belongs to me.

At the same time, all I wanted was his approval. If he even hinted on not approving of something I do, I would ping pong between a fight and a fawn response. I want to submit, he has to like me, but also how dare he not approve, but I have to make him like me no matter what it takes, but also fuck him for that and I'm too good for him anyways.

The second one was way more subtle. I noticed that this happens most of the time when someone with BPD has me as their FP, or if someone is attached to me in the way I mentioned before and I give a shit about them. At the moment, I have that sort of attachment to my boyfriend, but also to a very good friend of mine, whose FP I am.

It was a constant inner battle. I never showed him a lot of that, or at least I tried to. I talked about it with him at some point, and the thing he was the most worried about is that he may not notice when I need his approval (bless him). Over all that time, I snapped at him once because I felt like he did not approve of something I do. I had to forcefully remove myself from the situation to calm down and get my fight/fawn response under control.

I did not even notice that the second one is an unhealthy attachment until my therapist pointed it out, and explained what's happening here.

In those scenarios, I start to feel responsible for the wellbeing of the other person. I want them to be well, and I would do what I can so they feel good and are happy. It goes to the point of me completely neglecting my own wellbeing for them, but it's so subconscious that I usually don't even notice it until it's too late.

I try to explain it a little. For me, it's all about starting to subconsciously see my friends as my parent (friend A), or to see myself as the parent to them (friend B). Medical grade daddy issues.

The first one always seemed very logical to me, and my therapist (and my boyfriend who provided me with many resources, mwah) guided me through the entire process. I started to subconsciously push my friend into the role of a father, which I thankfully notice very fast.

A parent is supposed to care for their child 24/7. They provide guidance, approval, leading the kid into the right direction, are always there for the child, comfort the child when they cry, provide food, water and love. And that's something I wanted my friend to fulfill, as both my parents could not fulfill that (no shame to my father, he's a good man but his best was just not enough, and that is okay). But my friend is not my father, and that's where the problems start.

But the second one was, and still is, very difficult for me to handle. Instead of pushing my friend into the role of my father, I push myself into that role. Subconsciously, I try to be the father I never had.

The second scenario might end well with someone who does not have an unhealthy attachment towards me. My boyfriend is a great example - while I am his FP, he was in therapy for years and can handle this very well. He does not let me have that responsibility. But it will never end well if that unhealthy attachment is unmanaged. If friend A would have "given in" to my attachment, or if I would have let him, then this would spiral until the friendship breaks apart.

Friend B is incredibly well attuned with others, he is very sensible and has a good feeling for what his symptoms are, even though he was never really in therapy. But due to that, he obviously shows way more symptoms than my boyfriend does, which makes it very easy for me to fall into that "I'm responsible for his feelings" mindset.

This sort of attachment issue I have does also synergize with my ASPD. My therapist explained it to me very well.

People usually have empathy. They feel someone else's pain, and they know that this is enough to show support. That pain they feel makes it easier to attune to the situation and know what is needed to help that person in that moment. For me, this process is cognitive, while the process for people with empathy is emotional. I see they are in pain. I don't feel that pain, but I know they must be distressed. I see that they are distressed. So I try to find ways to help them, so they are not in pain anymore. I don't feel that natural stop people with empathy do. I don't know what is enough. I know people talk about that just listening is good - but it does not feel like that for me. It's not enough, they are still hurt. I must do more. What I do is not enough. I am not enough.

I have the same standards on myself as I have on the people I put into a parental role. And I know that it would happen so easily for the other person to fuel that, if they put me into the parental role.

And then, the downward spiral starts.

I will most likely make a post on how I deal with both of those attachments so the relationship between me and my friends is as healthy as it can be. But I'm 10h into a 12h nightshift at the moment and I can't be arsed to parrot what my therapist told me, so this needs to happen whenever I feel bored enough for it.

The thing about abusers and lying is they start off subtle.

My dad loves bike riding so he used to take me all the time. I didn’t really enjoy it but I didn’t have a choice. One of the first times he overtly lied to me was when he told me we were going on a six mile bike ride. He knew I didn’t want to do more than that. Afterwards, he told me it was actually nine miles.

At first glance, it seems sweet. The whole “actually you can do this”. But he did it again. And again. And again. It was to the point where I would regularly ask him and have to check with my mum “this is actually what he says it is right? This isn’t a trick?”

It meant that I couldn’t trust what he was saying to be true and that continued in various other shapes and forms all the way up until now. I never know when he’s lying and I don’t fully trust my own version of things when he’s involved.

Abuse isn’t always big and loud and obvious. Gaslighting isn’t always big and loud and obvious. Sometimes it can be as little as lying just often enough that you start to doubt your senses and can’t trust anyone anymore. Sometimes it’s about something as little as a bike ride.

That DID feel when my mum brings up traumatic events that I don’t even remember and I say “welp that’s another bit of hidden trauma that no one told me about yet”

Also low empathy isn’t an abusive trait. I don’t feel your emotions ≠ I’m an abuser. Fr this person gonna get mad at someone for not feeling stuff and then say “well you’re not an ✨empath✨ so obviously you’re abusing me”. Swear to god ableists make no fucking sense.

there is no fucking way 💀💀💀

okay lets just !!! ignore ALLLL of my other symptoms because im not abusive i dont have npd sorry guys npd diagnosis cancelled i dont have it anymore sorry guys because this one person on the internet said so