Short Trip With Y.

short trip with y.

it was our first trip together, his first trip to the capital as well as his first time couchsurfing.

we arrived in the night and the first thing we encountered was a musician performing outside the station. he was actually great. we listened to him for about ten minutes. y. said this city already made him want to start smoking and drinking again. our host h. lived in the coolest neighbourhood, *the* place to be for young people. h. works as a software designer, but mostly is an artist through and through. he paints and sings and seemingly lives the ideal life. h. first took us to a deli, we had the best fast food ever. then, we went to a bar together, it was crowded and people were smoking inside. we drank beer and talked for some time. h. and y. were clearly getting along more than h. did with me. they had more in common and i guess h. is very hurt from a recent breakup he told us about and therefore sceptical towards girls. after some time of pretending that we could hear each other, we decided to go home. we sat down in h.'s room, y. on the sofa, me on the persian carpet in front of it, h. on his desk chair. h. and me had more beer and until 6am we showed each other music and talked about life. when H. shortly left the room, y. leaned down from the sofa to kiss me. in public we never kiss, hold hands or behave like we are in a relationship really. just sometimes he rests is head on my shoulder when sitting next to each other on public transportation. eventually, we decided to go to sleep. y. and me were given the room of h.'s roommate who was travelling. it was ideal really, a typical room of this neighbourhood, high ceilings, big windows, a big comfy elevated bed. the second we are in private y. becomes really affectionate. he is the most sensual and passionate lover i have ever had and both of us enjoyed this night much.

in the theatre foyer, feb 6 '24

fifty minutes until that play will be perfomed again. quite the whole team is here to help. we haven't perfomed it in almost a year, it requires special technical efforts.

a. just arrived and brought me the high heels i had left at his place a few weeks ago. he had a quick chat with me in the foyer, some guests were already waiting and t. the theatre director was around, so i felt rather uncomfortable. in general, i don't like how most of our colleagues know abour our affair, or what they think is a relationship. i guess a. himself believes this is a relationship. he had just been granted a few days off in march, which he will spend to come visit me in nyc. actually, his mother will be around stopping in the city during her cruise and all of us three will sleep in one hotel room. i find people that do cruises incredibly abhorrent. n.'s, an ex, parents were big fans of cruises as well. i have come to the point where i consider this a red flag. in general, a. is a walking red flag.

his purpose in life is to be an actor and i like his passion for theatre. i mean, i more specifically like the fact that he is passionate for *something* and has managed to make it is occupation. other than that, he is a complete child. spends around 500 euros a month purely for weed, his diet is ridicilously unhealthy, he does not do any sports at all, he has no etiquette whatsoever and probably is the most irresponsible person i know. i am more revolted by him than attracted to him. the only reason i enjoy his company is the fact that i feel protected by him, in a physical way. i also like to be together with one of the actors. often i feel somewhat like a spy, i want to know all the inside knowledge, all the details. i like to know things and to be involved. i feel like i use him but i don't feel too guilty about it.

it finally happened!!

we met for dinner to which i invited him. food was kinda good, i got very happy about the chocolate and mint ice cream i had as desert. i asked him many questions instead of talking too much myself.

i got to know he had studied english literature, which made things make a lot of more sense (so far i had supposed he had studied law since he was a paralegal at some point).

after dinner i showed him around law school, specifically the library. especially because he told me on friday how he had considered of becoming a librarian once.

then we went on a walk. unfortunately i always had b. in the back of my mind who had intitally told me to be back home at 9 to open the door for him. that's why i interrupted our walk at 9 to go home and give b. his key. but b. wasn't home... i asked him when he would come, he said he wouldn't know but i should be home again latest by 10. (he just came home now and it's almost 2am!! - i am so angry i feel like he just wants to control my social life.)

well anyway, afer 9 js. and me went on a second walk and managed to be home at 10 again. i did not want to let him in the suite itself knowing that f. was there, so we hang out in the nice lobby. the only thing that was annoying: even though it is a very fancy and modern lobby, the lights are too bright for it to really be cozy. but yeah, i made us tea and brought a date for each of us to eat. i showed him music on my laptop, we talked about random stuff. he was scratching his hands, it was like he was nervous. i looked over to his hands realising he had the same skin condition as me. i asked him about it and shared my story with it. it was a first rather intimate moment.

it was around 11:30pm, my laptop and phone being almost dead, when i had initiated him to maybe go home now. we stood in front of the doors of the dorm entrance hall and he simply said "goodbye". i couldn't believe that. and made fun of how cold he was being saying that the only thing missing was that proper business handshake and reached out for just that. he took my hand, pulled me closer to him and - finally kissed me! it was what i had wished for since the first second we met and made eye contact. i loved kissing him, i love how he is taller than me, how he is gentle.

soon i stopped and said "now i let you go" and wished him a good night.

me in front of bookshelves in america, all taken in the last 10 days with my crappy laptop camera

the first week

my alarm had rung at 6:15, i must have looked out of the window, had seen the fresh snow and decided to continue sleeping. it was for an early morning bike ride that i was so excited the evening before. the snow making that rather impossible. 

finally, i woke up at 10, getting ready rather slowly but excited for the “date” i had planned. it was with d., a transman i had chatted well with on bumble. i asked him to go to this bin sale and the thrift shop i had recently discovered. at exactly 11am i stood in the line in front of the store but could not see him anywhere. the doors were opened, people excitedly rushed inside. i decided to wait for him, not being able to reach him my phone having no internet. i waited for 15 minutes in the snow, it was akward everybody who went inside looked at me weirdly. 

at some point i myself was too excited to go and did not want to wait in the cold anymore. it was unfortunate, i was looking forward much. i think i have never gotten stood up like this, but i didn’t want this to destroy the experience for me, it might also just have been a misunderstanding. it was fun indeed, i was sweating quickly. when digging through the bins next to all the others, mostly ladies, i at some random point got the ick. why am i looking for cloths that i dont even need, just because they are cheap? i would have to carry all of it back to my home country. i eventually found some pieces that were somewhat cute and i wanted to take with me. if i didnt fill it to the top the few pieces i liked would have been rather expensive, the bag costing 13 dollars. it got me questioning this useless consumption a bti. but not too much as to have stopped myself from contiuing. i wanted to have had this experience for once, just for the sake of it. 

around noon i was done, i had my bag of cloths for about 11 euros, but now hunger in my stomach. i went around the corner with the intention to go to the one café/bakery that gets closest to european bakeries. on my way there I had observed two guys coming out of this bagel shop. i had gone there in summer when looking for a coffee place, so i didn’t end up ordering. One of those students was saying “god how i love this place” to the other. this was enough to convince me to finally give it a shot being a huge bagel addict. 

I waited in line and was guided by this overly friendly and open guy who was prepared for people like me whose “first time” it was ordering there. I am always inspired by this friendly way of american service, they just make you feel good. It feels like an episode of truman show, everybody has little chit chats with another, you get to know some people without even trying to. some find it shallow or annoying. but why does every transactional relationship need to be harsh, fast and unpersonal? 

holding my warm bagel in one hand, the thrifted bag in the other i walked towards the café finally. it felt homey, welcoming and warm. i stood behind in line this tall elegant boy. when he ordered i directly realised he was from my country, one can just always tell. we had eye contact, he turned around twice as if just by looking at me he could also tell. i orderd my cappucino, surprinsgly they spelled my name corectly, the only free spot was the one right in front of him and who seems to be his girlfriend. definitely both of them are students, he studies music, probably a director to be. he is being rather obnoxuious about the fact that he is working on some sheet music, penetrantly gesturing the tempi and emphsasis just in this moment. well, why am i always in other people’s business?! 

i drank my cappunico, tried to call b., i only reached his answer machine, then called my mother to check up on several things amongst which was the health of my horse (i had a very bad dream about her recently), but everything was fine. i had also made that call to signal the boy that i could speak his language. increasing the tension that had already been between us before, i just love playing those idiotic games with strangers - i am just horrible. i wanted to check my mails, but soon realised that i had forgotten that they don’t have wifi here, which was the reason i stopped going here in summer. luckily i had a book with me i had bought in that fancy book palace at our last weekend’s trip. it is called “against white feminism”, i read chapter 4 listening to music trying to not be annoyed by this boy.

always being hyper aware of my sorroundings and being able to remember faces quickly i realised that one boy i had encountered in the dorm was here, as well as: hl. whose class i had attended last thursday for the first time. she is a famous political theorist. she is sitting opposite to me at the same table. she is just amazing, dressed in a pink cardigan, on her phone that has a pink case, a baguette on the table and a big book on political economy. she is all i ever want to be. i just love this city and the fact you encounter those famous professors casually like this. of course, they are humans as well, but incredibly knowledgable, educated ans passionate. 

she is calling somebody on the phone now and i will keep pretentiously reading this actually amazing book. hoping she will recognize me in class on tuesday. 

...

it is the next day, sunday. i am sitting in the same café. i definitely was not productive yesterday, but enjoyed my time for sure. on my way home i decided to stop for another café i really like, spent some time there, was able to answer some people, since they finally had wifi for once, and had arranged to meet for a walk with is., whom i knew from bumble. i quickly dropped of the thrifted bag at home and decided to bike to the place we would meet. we had a nice chat and headed towards the brewery i had never been to, even though it turned out to be just next to the ngo i had done my internship at last september. still not owning a lock, i. let me put my bike in his house’s backyard. he lives in a very nice new english colonial style house, the whole upstairs area is his. his landlord is a famous philosopher who of course is also a professor at this university. he wasn’t home though, but in los angeles for the weekend. i. will also go there sometime in march and had actually invited me to join him, he will go there for a talk he holds and then stay with his friend k., whom i had already met two times as well. i. had set k. who used to be his suitemate in dartmouth up with m., another friend of his. i. likes to “play chess with people” as he calls it. he told me this is what it’s all about. well, i am the last person to judge this way of thinking, since i am more or less doing the same - with satisfactory outcomes.

so i. and me went to the brewery, we had a good chat about having opinions, current debate culture and polarisation. i. was always in touch with people through his smart watch, which i find rather annoying, but like that he planned to go to one of the three legendary pizzerias that i have not been before. we walked there, put our name on the waiting list and went to an establishment that was somewhat of a tavern. i. always invited me to drinks and food, he always proposed what to do when and generally was well in control and organized. even though i am not particularly sexually attracted to him, this quality makes him very attractive actually. through his friend m. who knows somebody that works in the pizzeria we were able to get notified when our table was free. i didn’t even realize we were going to meet m. and k. again. but apparently m. owns a house very close by and wanted to join eventually. not having eaten much that day so far, i was already rather drunk from one beer and one gin&tonic. and i was totally not in the mood for having to meet m. again. i had met her for the first time in this exclusive club on thursday when she was actually celebrating her birthday that i spontaneously joined and felt like i crushed it. 

those few hours that thursday evening felt like a feaver dream of an elite university experience, any clichè that one could imagine was true. for entering this establishment you had to be a club member, i. who took me with him knew many people hanging out there. in fact b. was there at the same time as us, i spotted him when he left. once a month he has to take part in this talk, and atferwards all the researchers and professors have dinner there for which they get access to the exclusive&private upstairs area. anyways, i. and me first had a beer together and talked about many things but mostly the state of current american and european society. i. is 25, did his undergrad in art history and archeology and is now doing his phd in political science. once you have a somewhat unique name it is extremly easy to be researchable in this institution. i had looked up his research interest when deciding whether to swipe right on him. and it did look very interesting to me. i. is also the definition of a rich kid, he grew up all around the world attending private international and boarding schools, he is related to a prince in his country and just casually told me yesterday how he had lunch with benjamin netanyahu not long before october 7th - of course this does not really impress me but it rather disgusts me how he keeps needing to boast about his influential friends. i allow it to disgust me but it also encourages me more to make use of him, why not?

so first we were alone, then he made us join m's birthday dinner. i got sat next to this girl who grew up in the same country as me, she used to be a pro golfer but now studies agriculture at this institution. sitting between her and i. i was facing ma.'s father ra. i directly realised how knowledgable, well informed and mannered he was. he tried to interview and test me in certain fields of knowledge, which i promptly understood. i played his game and as far as i can tell we had fun. what a man! he used to be an investment banker and at some point lecturer at this university, leaving legacy for his daughter.

i wish my parents were like hers. they obviously are not dumb, had a succesfull business once themselves, allowing me to have a great and luxurious childhood on a private stud farm amongst our 10 horses and 10 sports cars until i was 5 years old. at some point and for some reason that i still cannot grasp their business failed, they lost a case in court and we lost our luxury life. i will write about my childhood and how we dealt with those consequences another time, but this background makes me be rather familiar with people like i., r. and m. and the girl and their way being rich, conservative, well educated and even from aristocratic backgrounds. i like to believe i can easily fit in, they would never guess what city i spend me later childhood in, what my mother chose to earn money with for the family from that point on, what friends i had. psychoanalysing myself this certainly is the reason for always feeling like i don't belong to either the rich&educated or the poor&uneducated (of course not everyone is part of either one of those groups, but oftentimes it does apply).

so we had dinner on thursday, met for a walk yesterday, had dinner then and afterwards hung out at i.'s house listenting to music and talking about how academic culture is different in the us and europe. i stayed at i.'s place until 2am but did decide to go home, even though he had a spacey guest bed. i am looking forward to meeting him again. even though he is incredibly priviledged and blinded by that completely (he asked me why i not simply decided to attend this uni being unhappy about certain features and dynamics of academic life in my country and he just wouldn't understand why that was a naive question of him to ask...).

i am in touch with several other guys on bumble, one of which is f. a postdoc in law like my ex. a cool dude living in this wonderful neighbourhood that i like so much. i guess we'll meet sooner or later. another one being ha. someone who describes himself as a mad scientist and who seems to be somewhat insecure and weird or js., who reminds me of ian curtis, who is not a doctoral student or postdoc but working for the uni in the medical field, having attended one of the "little threes". let's see what next week brings! for now i should head home to clean the room i had for my own over the weekend b. having been "camping" (renting an airbnb cottage) with his friends in another state of new england. he'll return soon and i wanna do laundry, have the food i had taken with me from brunching at my favourite dining all at noon today and having to send some mails.

an old friend

b. and me are sitting in the law library right now. in thirty minutes i shall leave to meet js. in a fancy pub, apparently a so called "speakeasy". i am excited!

today i overslept until 11, got ready slowly and was contemplating on how to be busy today. knowing i would meet js. after work, i did not want to go for my bike ride in the late afternoon, so i went at 1pm and went the same route as yesterday. this time like 100 metres further around the curve (which i had to walk due to the ice) in order to see whether really the whole trail was icey - which it was unfortunately.

i got back around 3pm, showered, got ready, had a tea and two dates. i hadn't eaten yet at that time but i wasn't hungry so i didn't want to spend money on food really.

after that i met b. in his office at law school, we spent sometime there and then he voiced his wish of going to a café with me. which i found a very good idea so we went to my favourite. they sell books, bagels and coffee and the prices are actually reasonable- what else could you wish for?! he read an article, i read that book i have been reading for two weeks already... but we always joked and talked inbetween reading.

earlier that day we had a little discussion (fight?) about something: f., his suitemate, will leave in march back to his home country (he will not return, his fellowship terminates). so we wanted to go for drinks together. b. had made plans with f. to go for drinks today and only told me after i got back from my ride. i told him i had already made plans days ago for today. b. got mad and too curious with whom i will be meeting. i told him it was a boy i know from bumble. b. clearly is jealous or weirded out by that - well he is still my ex. but i had told him that since he broke up with me and we officially never got together again he has no claim on me and should not be surprised if i engage myself with people, especially being here only for a limited time. i mean, it is he who goes out with his friends every weekend nowadays, why can't i be social?! (ofc i acknowledge the difference of meeting with only one person rather than with a group of people, but i shouldn't even need to justify myself).

anyways, b. eventually got into terms with the idea of me meeting people in the course of the day. but he limited my time of being out to until midnight only. because i don't have a key he will need to open the door for me. but still, i think it's because he wants to go sure nothing too much happens between js. and me.

when we were sitting in the café b. told me he was worried about me meeting so many people from dating apps. i told him there was no reason to worry, i am simply being social and having fun. he told me to just take the criticism as an advice "from an old friend". he is such a drama queen. if he didn't break up, i would have never done. he feels like he is a part of me, we were basically living like twins for two years... well, i already said how our dynamic is weird: on the one hand he has that paternal view on me, him being 36 now. on the other hand he is rather silly and childish a lot, so we are like highschool friends a lot. but other times we have a rather deep eye level relation.

after the café we shortly went to his office and then to the library from where i will depart to the pub now.