The Theatre

the theatre

in september of 2021 i moved from my home town to the city i study in.

the first three months are a chapter i shall dedicate it's own post to. in general it is to be explained that for one year i did not actually study, i was only enrolled in uni for enjoying the benefits of being a student (it was because i had missed an important deadline to apply to the course i actually wanted to do). early 2022 my life consisted of living in this wonderful dormitory, working three jobs at the same time and indulging myself into the cultural life of the city as much as possible.

it is one of those student benefits that we can go to the theatre for free, which i really made use of going to the theatre up to 4 times a week. we have about 3 main theatres in this city. the theatre i am talking about is a relativley small (at least compared to the city theatre) private theatre. small in this case describing the ensemble, which only consits of 15 actors in total, 8 of which are under a fulltime contract, the rest just being occasional guest actors.

though the ensemble is small, the repertoire is big, diverse, ever changing and very interesting. this season we are performing 21 different plays! this makes it very popular, even more popular than the big city theatre.

the combination of those factors made it very attractive to me. it felt homey from the beginning on. it made me want to read up on every detail and background information i could get my hands on. i started looking up the actors' backgrounds and read and collected the little booklets they have accompanying each play. this went on until summer, until they went on break. after their break i only went occasionally and in most of 2023 i had kind of forgotten about it, having too many things to do and basically travelling all the time.

in september 2023 though, shortly before i returned back to europe from america i was sitting in this bakery thinking about how my life needs to change when i get back. actually starting the course that i wanted to study in october 2022, i had told myself to want to focus on studying and quit the jobs i had that time. but i ran out of money eventually and really needed a new job. and on that rainy late summer morning in the crowded bakery that reminded me of the bakeries in europe i had the idea to apply to the theatre. they did not officially look for a person, but literally just 5 minutes after i had sent my application i already got an answer inviting me to an interview. my now superior later asked me how i could have possibly known they are looking for somebody and said how my timing was just perfect. he himself, his name is m., had only started at the theatre in september. he is the assistant to the director and the main person handling the bureaucratic issues.

the theatre team consits of following groups of people: the actors obviously, the director and his assistant m., the dramaturgy, the pr, the stage tech guys, the constume people, the restaurateur and the ticket sellers&inspectors, latter group i belong to. we are about 60 people, but on a daily basis you encounter the same 15 people more or less.

it is the ideal job for me who is passionate about literature and theatre and likes to interact with people. almost every time i am working our guests compliment my friendliness or the way i consult them about which play they should watch for example. and it's true, if i want to i can be very charismatic and i definitely know how to make use of that talent... but honestly, this is what i expect us as the main people who our guests get to interact with to be like. unfortunately my colleagues do not seem to share this view, since often they are rude and harsh for no reason. which makes me cringe a lot. but is also a chance for me to stand out. in this rather small town you do not meet people only once, but will eventually encounter them again. therefore it is always good to firstly know and remember people and secondly for them to have a good opinion about you. so far, this kind of thinking has literally given me a job i had once, made it possible for me to be in the us right now or to live with the old gentleman without paying rent.

...

the job itself turning out to be fairly easy and relaxed, i made it my mission to involve myself with as many things i shouldn't be involved in as only a ticket seller as i could. i would for example befriend the stage tech people and spend much time backstage or help the restaurateur as a waitress from time to time when i have nothing else to do. i always see the theatre as a side quest and want to involve myself in some drama (without being negativly affected from it though, but rather just a bystander or spy-like figure). for that i really wanted to get involved with some guys at the theatre. there were several more or less possible candidates:

ja.: one of the stage tech guys, 33, a nerd really, always rather quiet, tall, grunge styled, playing the piano very well. our encounters always being akward but charged with a certain tension... but unfortunately in a relationship;

jü.: his father, one of the fulltime actors, about 65, divorced, very handsome, tall, giving androgynous vibes, with an almost intimidating way of carrying himself, always leaves social gatherings first, an incredible dancer and singer and in general just the ideal lana-del-rey-core strict daddy;

pa.: also around thirty, stage tech guy as well, bit nerdy and chill, just a fun guy, but kinda boring;

m.: around 34, my superior, well educated but kind of confused, fun and dirty minded. but in a longterm relationship;

a.: fulltime actor, 29, chubby in a dad bod way, into alt fashion, stoner, mama's boy, flirty and extravagant, a loud personality really, into partying and drugs much, very much of an idiot and child, but also just a kind and gentle guy., and most importantly: single and therefore obtainable!

the event i had most looked forward to as a chance for drama was the theatre's internal christmas celebration on december 18th. i had even bought a dress for that purpose, it is the red one in this collage. the procedure of things was following: all of us were gathering in the foyer where we also have a small stage. On there several actors and staff members had perfomed christmas themed texts, plays or music pieces. after that was done everybody recieved their christmas money one after the other, handed personally by our main sponsor (one of those many very rich people living in the town). Then, the buffet was opened. everybody was quick to take food, chat a bit with their group of peopple (always only exactly the group of people they themselves belonged to) and then, very soon most people had left.

i was disappointed. i expected there to be possibilites of each groups of people to mix and get to know each other, but nobody seemed interested in that at all. the two highlights keeping people there were the money and the food. non surpringly somehow.

it was only one person who had somewhat made an effort of "putting himself out there". it was a. who sat at the table of the ticket sellers. most of all of us (we are about 8 people) are students that other than this job would have nothing to do with theatre, nor need to have any training for the job that we do, therefore we are always rather outsiders. but yes, a. being by far the youngest of the actors probably felt weird and bored to sit with the 35-70 year old people. i strategically sat down next to him. wearing a parfume i had bought shortly before that i really like and had gotten many compliments for. i was drinking one glass of red wine after the other (yes, alcohol was for free as well!) which itself was great fun for me. he was drinking beer, behaving exactly like the kind of chav the he looks like he is. during the ceremony he commented on things, laughed and applauded loudly. i myself like leaving cynical or naughty comments or references on things, and so i did. we basically were the only people really enjoying ourselves, sitting next to each other we soon began on joking together, it was great fun.

eventually the ceremony had ended, everybody recieved their money, ate some food and most of the staff left. it was only some of the actors and a few of the ticket sellers and the directors and their assistants left. we gathered to dance and drink more. typically i am not a party girl at all, but as it is with everybody, things change after a certain number of drinks.

unfortunately that day nothing else happened. at some point even some of us left and i got bored and felt akward. i just decided to quietly sneak out and walk home rather disappointed.

the melodramatic bitch i am i kept on listening to "margaret" by lana del rey even days after that. the line "the party is december 18" and "when you know you know" kind of fed my delusions of disappointed hope. my longing for excitement had one seemingly last chance left: new year's eve...

still in the lobby

it's 7 minutes past 1am and i will write until my laptop dies. it's at 9% now...

the past hour having been very disappointing and retraumatising is such a shame because i actually had a rather nice day today. i wasn't very productive really but i did two things i enjoyed:

i first met js. for the first time. and then i spontanously went for a bike ride afterwards.

i know js. through bumble as well. he is 29, tall, has brown messy hair, striking hazel eyes that i am too shy to look at too often and wears rather vintage glasses. he works as a medical supply distributor currently which he chose after having been a paralegal for some years. he told me he intentionally chose a job that is more physically challenging rather than mentally in order to use his mental capacities for writing and exploring his passions. he moved back with his mother a few months ago when he made that change in his life. she also works for the hospital and owns this big house in that nice area that also is. lives in.

my first message to him was how he reminded me of ian curtis to which he replied that somebody had said this before. and yes actually, he very much is like how i would imagine ian curtis to have been like. he is very calm, very thoughtful, attentive and quiet. which i think i really like. from the way he texts one can tell writing is his hobby, he chooses his words carefully and knows how to express himself. observing that (before even knowing it was his hobby actually) i was very excited to meet him today.

we had arranged to meet at this café/bakery i go to frequently that reminded me of the european ones, he had never been though. he was a bit late and i waited outside for him beginning to worry about having been stood up again (or there having been miscommunication). when he arrived i turned around and i directly looked him into his beautiful eyes. i was shook and shy. he excused for being late and we went inside. we ordered cappucino to which he kindly invited me. we sat down at the table, me siting exactly where i had spotted that one professor i adore a week earlier.

the first part of our conversation was about what had made me come to this city and unfortunately i had to already then tell him all the background of my messy story, though i tried to be as brief but as transparent as possible. but yeah, we talked about all kinds of things, but i could also tell that he does not talk too much, and least not as much as i do. i had excused for that and for being a bit hyperactive because i had had three coffees already, but i think he liked getting to know me. eventually we went on a walk all through that very nice neighbourhood me talking 70% of the time, him talking 20% of it and 10% of it was just us walking.

generally i am rather put off when i feel as if i have to entertain somebody, especially if i realise the person just does not have that much to offer. but with him it was a bit different. i did feel as if i he wasn't too knowledgable or passionate, but i could also tell that he is still a deep and kind person who maybe is just not as bubbly as i am.

looking back i do feel bad for having talked much, but i just panicked a lot, fearing the akwardness with him. normally i wouldn't care about that at all, but there was a huge (positive!) tension between us that i just wanted to distract from in any possible way.

we eventually reached my bike again that was parked outside the bakery. he told me that he enjoyed himself and how he'd love to see me again.

...

i went home, got changed into my sport cloths and went on a ride on that trail i had recently discovered. i enjoyed being out in nature, listening to music, working out and thinking about that date i just had. in total my ride turned out to be 15 miles long, i would have went for a longer one if it wasn't dark already.

unfortunately something bad happened as well: on the way back riding a curve downhill i slipped on ice and fell off the bike. i fell on my face and the left part of my body. for some moment i was so shook and hurt that i lied there. trying to get up i realised that i actually hurt myself quite a bit. i touched my face and my hand was bloody. i thought my whole left side was bleading as well but when i got home i realised that all there was was that little wound on my face and tomorrow probably some bruises. i was lucky! and learned my lesson having to be more careful... especially since i am not insured here!

well anyway, the rest of the evening is history as i have just written about it in the last post. rather i try to fantasise about the next time meeting js., which he already have made plans for: friday after he finishes work we will go for drinks. i love his way of communicating openly and directly. when he got home he promptly reassured me how he had enjoyed and how we should meet again soon, sharing all his availabilities with me. [my laptop is at 3%...]

between 3rd and 14th of march i will live in a very beautiful apartment alone, where i will be dogsitting. already now i like to imagine him living there with me for that time, us pretending to be living together, spending our every day lives together and just enjoying that very delusional and short time of pretention. i mean, i won't be here for long, so why not make the best out of it?

it is certain we get along and from my past experiences with men i am now quite certain that most of the times it happens exactly the way i initially hoped it would go. every guy i fancied in the past i "got". not neccessary into a relationship, but with everybody of them i had good times. so will we have a good time. maybe we will go for a road trip to somewhre or a weekend trip to nyc, that would be cool. he is a good man and i am looking forward to friday.

i feel like pretentious and delusional flings like this one are what keeps me going currently. after realising, or rather having to accept, that y. does not want to be in a relationship with me my last pieces of naivety and actual hope broke. i will not wait for any true love right at least now. i will enjoy myself with the people i meet, will get to know movies, new music, new places with them. make memories and have good conversations. in the end i will be alone but that will be fine. i will have to learn to cope with this.

b. is my biggest inspiration. we know each other for two years now, for most of it we have been in a relationship.

it has always been a rather special one, very platonic and very close. when he went to the us he broke up, the beginning was dramatic, but we ended up being good friends again. i think i managed to emancipate myself from being too intertwined with and attached to him in the past months but we still talked every day. y. commented we were acting like a long married couple when he saw me calling b. and i quite agree.

b. hosts me in the us now until april. i sincerely hope everything will turn out fine and stays chill. knowing that we had many disputes in the past being too close together we have set it as a goal of ours to distance each other from one another during most time here. so far, things are alright.

i am sitting in the library reflecting over the past days. when i woke up at 6am this morning i was welcomed by a snow storm. it has been snowing ever since.

the first week

my alarm had rung at 6:15, i must have looked out of the window, had seen the fresh snow and decided to continue sleeping. it was for an early morning bike ride that i was so excited the evening before. the snow making that rather impossible. 

finally, i woke up at 10, getting ready rather slowly but excited for the “date” i had planned. it was with d., a transman i had chatted well with on bumble. i asked him to go to this bin sale and the thrift shop i had recently discovered. at exactly 11am i stood in the line in front of the store but could not see him anywhere. the doors were opened, people excitedly rushed inside. i decided to wait for him, not being able to reach him my phone having no internet. i waited for 15 minutes in the snow, it was akward everybody who went inside looked at me weirdly. 

at some point i myself was too excited to go and did not want to wait in the cold anymore. it was unfortunate, i was looking forward much. i think i have never gotten stood up like this, but i didn’t want this to destroy the experience for me, it might also just have been a misunderstanding. it was fun indeed, i was sweating quickly. when digging through the bins next to all the others, mostly ladies, i at some random point got the ick. why am i looking for cloths that i dont even need, just because they are cheap? i would have to carry all of it back to my home country. i eventually found some pieces that were somewhat cute and i wanted to take with me. if i didnt fill it to the top the few pieces i liked would have been rather expensive, the bag costing 13 dollars. it got me questioning this useless consumption a bti. but not too much as to have stopped myself from contiuing. i wanted to have had this experience for once, just for the sake of it. 

around noon i was done, i had my bag of cloths for about 11 euros, but now hunger in my stomach. i went around the corner with the intention to go to the one café/bakery that gets closest to european bakeries. on my way there I had observed two guys coming out of this bagel shop. i had gone there in summer when looking for a coffee place, so i didn’t end up ordering. One of those students was saying “god how i love this place” to the other. this was enough to convince me to finally give it a shot being a huge bagel addict. 

I waited in line and was guided by this overly friendly and open guy who was prepared for people like me whose “first time” it was ordering there. I am always inspired by this friendly way of american service, they just make you feel good. It feels like an episode of truman show, everybody has little chit chats with another, you get to know some people without even trying to. some find it shallow or annoying. but why does every transactional relationship need to be harsh, fast and unpersonal? 

holding my warm bagel in one hand, the thrifted bag in the other i walked towards the café finally. it felt homey, welcoming and warm. i stood behind in line this tall elegant boy. when he ordered i directly realised he was from my country, one can just always tell. we had eye contact, he turned around twice as if just by looking at me he could also tell. i orderd my cappucino, surprinsgly they spelled my name corectly, the only free spot was the one right in front of him and who seems to be his girlfriend. definitely both of them are students, he studies music, probably a director to be. he is being rather obnoxuious about the fact that he is working on some sheet music, penetrantly gesturing the tempi and emphsasis just in this moment. well, why am i always in other people’s business?! 

i drank my cappunico, tried to call b., i only reached his answer machine, then called my mother to check up on several things amongst which was the health of my horse (i had a very bad dream about her recently), but everything was fine. i had also made that call to signal the boy that i could speak his language. increasing the tension that had already been between us before, i just love playing those idiotic games with strangers - i am just horrible. i wanted to check my mails, but soon realised that i had forgotten that they don’t have wifi here, which was the reason i stopped going here in summer. luckily i had a book with me i had bought in that fancy book palace at our last weekend’s trip. it is called “against white feminism”, i read chapter 4 listening to music trying to not be annoyed by this boy.

always being hyper aware of my sorroundings and being able to remember faces quickly i realised that one boy i had encountered in the dorm was here, as well as: hl. whose class i had attended last thursday for the first time. she is a famous political theorist. she is sitting opposite to me at the same table. she is just amazing, dressed in a pink cardigan, on her phone that has a pink case, a baguette on the table and a big book on political economy. she is all i ever want to be. i just love this city and the fact you encounter those famous professors casually like this. of course, they are humans as well, but incredibly knowledgable, educated ans passionate. 

she is calling somebody on the phone now and i will keep pretentiously reading this actually amazing book. hoping she will recognize me in class on tuesday. 

...

it is the next day, sunday. i am sitting in the same café. i definitely was not productive yesterday, but enjoyed my time for sure. on my way home i decided to stop for another café i really like, spent some time there, was able to answer some people, since they finally had wifi for once, and had arranged to meet for a walk with is., whom i knew from bumble. i quickly dropped of the thrifted bag at home and decided to bike to the place we would meet. we had a nice chat and headed towards the brewery i had never been to, even though it turned out to be just next to the ngo i had done my internship at last september. still not owning a lock, i. let me put my bike in his house’s backyard. he lives in a very nice new english colonial style house, the whole upstairs area is his. his landlord is a famous philosopher who of course is also a professor at this university. he wasn’t home though, but in los angeles for the weekend. i. will also go there sometime in march and had actually invited me to join him, he will go there for a talk he holds and then stay with his friend k., whom i had already met two times as well. i. had set k. who used to be his suitemate in dartmouth up with m., another friend of his. i. likes to “play chess with people” as he calls it. he told me this is what it’s all about. well, i am the last person to judge this way of thinking, since i am more or less doing the same - with satisfactory outcomes.

so i. and me went to the brewery, we had a good chat about having opinions, current debate culture and polarisation. i. was always in touch with people through his smart watch, which i find rather annoying, but like that he planned to go to one of the three legendary pizzerias that i have not been before. we walked there, put our name on the waiting list and went to an establishment that was somewhat of a tavern. i. always invited me to drinks and food, he always proposed what to do when and generally was well in control and organized. even though i am not particularly sexually attracted to him, this quality makes him very attractive actually. through his friend m. who knows somebody that works in the pizzeria we were able to get notified when our table was free. i didn’t even realize we were going to meet m. and k. again. but apparently m. owns a house very close by and wanted to join eventually. not having eaten much that day so far, i was already rather drunk from one beer and one gin&tonic. and i was totally not in the mood for having to meet m. again. i had met her for the first time in this exclusive club on thursday when she was actually celebrating her birthday that i spontaneously joined and felt like i crushed it. 

those few hours that thursday evening felt like a feaver dream of an elite university experience, any clichè that one could imagine was true. for entering this establishment you had to be a club member, i. who took me with him knew many people hanging out there. in fact b. was there at the same time as us, i spotted him when he left. once a month he has to take part in this talk, and atferwards all the researchers and professors have dinner there for which they get access to the exclusive&private upstairs area. anyways, i. and me first had a beer together and talked about many things but mostly the state of current american and european society. i. is 25, did his undergrad in art history and archeology and is now doing his phd in political science. once you have a somewhat unique name it is extremly easy to be researchable in this institution. i had looked up his research interest when deciding whether to swipe right on him. and it did look very interesting to me. i. is also the definition of a rich kid, he grew up all around the world attending private international and boarding schools, he is related to a prince in his country and just casually told me yesterday how he had lunch with benjamin netanyahu not long before october 7th - of course this does not really impress me but it rather disgusts me how he keeps needing to boast about his influential friends. i allow it to disgust me but it also encourages me more to make use of him, why not?

so first we were alone, then he made us join m's birthday dinner. i got sat next to this girl who grew up in the same country as me, she used to be a pro golfer but now studies agriculture at this institution. sitting between her and i. i was facing ma.'s father ra. i directly realised how knowledgable, well informed and mannered he was. he tried to interview and test me in certain fields of knowledge, which i promptly understood. i played his game and as far as i can tell we had fun. what a man! he used to be an investment banker and at some point lecturer at this university, leaving legacy for his daughter.

i wish my parents were like hers. they obviously are not dumb, had a succesfull business once themselves, allowing me to have a great and luxurious childhood on a private stud farm amongst our 10 horses and 10 sports cars until i was 5 years old. at some point and for some reason that i still cannot grasp their business failed, they lost a case in court and we lost our luxury life. i will write about my childhood and how we dealt with those consequences another time, but this background makes me be rather familiar with people like i., r. and m. and the girl and their way being rich, conservative, well educated and even from aristocratic backgrounds. i like to believe i can easily fit in, they would never guess what city i spend me later childhood in, what my mother chose to earn money with for the family from that point on, what friends i had. psychoanalysing myself this certainly is the reason for always feeling like i don't belong to either the rich&educated or the poor&uneducated (of course not everyone is part of either one of those groups, but oftentimes it does apply).

so we had dinner on thursday, met for a walk yesterday, had dinner then and afterwards hung out at i.'s house listenting to music and talking about how academic culture is different in the us and europe. i stayed at i.'s place until 2am but did decide to go home, even though he had a spacey guest bed. i am looking forward to meeting him again. even though he is incredibly priviledged and blinded by that completely (he asked me why i not simply decided to attend this uni being unhappy about certain features and dynamics of academic life in my country and he just wouldn't understand why that was a naive question of him to ask...).

i am in touch with several other guys on bumble, one of which is f. a postdoc in law like my ex. a cool dude living in this wonderful neighbourhood that i like so much. i guess we'll meet sooner or later. another one being ha. someone who describes himself as a mad scientist and who seems to be somewhat insecure and weird or js., who reminds me of ian curtis, who is not a doctoral student or postdoc but working for the uni in the medical field, having attended one of the "little threes". let's see what next week brings! for now i should head home to clean the room i had for my own over the weekend b. having been "camping" (renting an airbnb cottage) with his friends in another state of new england. he'll return soon and i wanna do laundry, have the food i had taken with me from brunching at my favourite dining all at noon today and having to send some mails.

me in front of bookshelves in america, all taken in the last 10 days with my crappy laptop camera

in the theatre foyer, feb 6 '24

fifty minutes until that play will be perfomed again. quite the whole team is here to help. we haven't perfomed it in almost a year, it requires special technical efforts.

a. just arrived and brought me the high heels i had left at his place a few weeks ago. he had a quick chat with me in the foyer, some guests were already waiting and t. the theatre director was around, so i felt rather uncomfortable. in general, i don't like how most of our colleagues know abour our affair, or what they think is a relationship. i guess a. himself believes this is a relationship. he had just been granted a few days off in march, which he will spend to come visit me in nyc. actually, his mother will be around stopping in the city during her cruise and all of us three will sleep in one hotel room. i find people that do cruises incredibly abhorrent. n.'s, an ex, parents were big fans of cruises as well. i have come to the point where i consider this a red flag. in general, a. is a walking red flag.

his purpose in life is to be an actor and i like his passion for theatre. i mean, i more specifically like the fact that he is passionate for *something* and has managed to make it is occupation. other than that, he is a complete child. spends around 500 euros a month purely for weed, his diet is ridicilously unhealthy, he does not do any sports at all, he has no etiquette whatsoever and probably is the most irresponsible person i know. i am more revolted by him than attracted to him. the only reason i enjoy his company is the fact that i feel protected by him, in a physical way. i also like to be together with one of the actors. often i feel somewhat like a spy, i want to know all the inside knowledge, all the details. i like to know things and to be involved. i feel like i use him but i don't feel too guilty about it.