I Feel So Tired Again. It's Not The Regular Kind Of Tiredness, I Just Feel Powerless And Consumed By

I feel so tired again. It's not the regular kind of tiredness, I just feel powerless and consumed by an absurd apathy. I only want to stay in bed looking to the ceiling, or endless scrolling into my facebook or tumblr accounts. I have no urge to produce or to study and this just sucks

To transmit feelings with my words or with my art. That's the true desire of my whole life. I think that is the true core of my existence

reading about random things. educating yourself on cultures that died ages ago. excitement in learning new languages. having a cup of hot coffee/tea on a rainy sunday morning. staying up late to finish reading that one book. quoting shakespeare for no specific reason. listening to slow music while doing school work. singing your favorite song off key when no one is watching. smiling at animals. wearing clothes that makes you feel comfortable. laying on bed after a long tiring day. late night drives on empty roads. complimenting strangers. helping an elderly person to cross the road. hugging your best friend. smell of earth after rain. making others laugh. holding hands. 

christine “ladybird” mcpherson said, “i wish i could live through something.”

and i want to do the same.

so here the fuck i am. living through something. living through a feeling in my gut i can never quite shake, despite it constantly being on low tumble in my mind perpetually.

and here i am, living through haze i can never get my flashlight to cut through, even in the thinnest of mists.

so maybe i should’ve clarified a bit more.

i want to live through something good.

 i want to be the main character, fulfilled by the plot and nothing else. i want character development. i want foreshadow you won’t understand until you know rewatch for the second time. i want a cutscene. i want a shot that’s a metaphor for something bad to happen. i want the moment where i just know every single turmoil in my life is over and a sappy song will play as the camera pans onto my face in golden light or as i drive around in a car or SOMETHING. i want a purpose. i want to fall in love.

but if ladybird couldn’t have all those things, whose to say i could?

but i’m not in a film so whose to say they couldn’t?

Sometimes I just feel im not enough. Like, will i ever be good in some profession in the future? Will someone really like my job? What if, no matter what i do i just end failling in the end?

I'm not everything I want to be, but l'm more than I was, and l'm still learning.

— Charlotte Eriksson, Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself