If You're Passionate About Something That Mortals Find Somewhat Intimidating. You Really Do Have A Sexy

If you're passionate about something that mortals find somewhat intimidating. You really do have a sexy brain!

The Abandoned House ...

I always look at that one abandoned house in our backyard.. it's intact but also damaged in some parts.. it's filled with cobwebs and creepers.. a no-so-familiar tree that's half dried.. it's not a sight that everybody wants to see or does it piques anyone's interest.. It's been abandoned by humanity.. but for me.. it's a sight to see.. when it rains, when it's cloudy, when it's sunny with clear blue sky, the clay tiled roof, the door that's been hanging around the door frame for it's life, the tree that's half alive, the cobwebs, the creepers that are slowly conquering the house.. everything about it is so intriguing.. sometimes I look at it holding the grills of our iron gate that leads to the backyard.. I hold these grills as if I'm a prisoner awaiting my freedom.. I hold them while looking at the house and the tree that sways ever so slightly at the touch of wind.. longing in my eyes for a place that's long abandoned.. desperation on my face for a house I didn't even have anything to do with.. it's an unexplainable feeling.. I look at it at least once a day and if left alone I would stare at it for hours.. It's so picturesque.. the house, the clay tiled roof, the half dead tree, the clear blue sky or the dark clouds, a cute street dog that plays on the roofs, birds that chirp and fly across the vast clear blue sky above the house, everything about it is picturesque.. everything about it is a type of art.. everything about it is so intimidating and intriguing to my eyes and my soul..

People might find it funny or rather weird at how an abandoned house made me feel so deep.. maybe I'm not so emotionless after all.. maybe I'm sensitive and even more sentimental than the others but my emotions might be focused on things that are always abandoned.. maybe I can feel their emotions.. maybe I'm abandoned too.. maybe the hidden emotions and tales of those that are abandoned and left to rot are much deeper than those that are running along with time, living life, and rushing life.. maybe those hidden emotions are hard to read for those who's chasing along with life.. maybe I'm stuck in a invisible realm of nothingness where I spend time blankly looking at things that are always ignored, I look at them completely indulge and ignorant of the reality and the flow of time.. ignorant of everything but the dwelling feeling and intimacy that exerts from those beings or things that are abandoned.. quite, dark, abandoned.. These things always piques my interest.. maybe I'm weird after all.. or others are just normal.. too normal to the sight of this alluring and captivating aura..

If I'm weird then I'm happily weird.. cause what a life it is to chase along with time, I don't wanna rush my life, I want to stop in a moment, see it, feel it, and make it one with me.. be it an abandoned house or a creepy graveyard.. to be able to feel deeply for things that are always ignored, that are always said to be unimportant and wasteful or unsafe, to be able to feel them and feel for them.. it's a great feeling.. to feel something and think about something that the average humankind finds intimidating.. that feels like an adventure I do inside my mind and heart.. an adventure I do without taking a single step.. an adventure I do by staying still while my mind wanders around.. and I never regret being so weird.. if it is what weirdness is, to make your every moment adventurous, to see things others can't and feel things others can't.. if it is what weirdness is.. then I'm weird.. because I'm a abandoned house in my backyard.. lonely yet peaceful.. intimidating yet affectionate...

- 23 july, 2024

Writings :

Am I overreacting??

Home ??

Piece of peace

Introvert-friendly?

He wanted more

The Abandoned House

Invisible

Sometimes

Life, she's strange

Invisible :

[warning: a sad rant.. mild mentions of death]

I guess I am so invisible to all the good things in life.. It's as if I'm only visible when I'm needed.. I have no other purpose.. I was never free.. I'm never free.. I have no significant value nor do I have it in me to gain the bare minimum.. a little respect.. I've never been seen or heard like I wish I was.. I was never a priority nor of any importance.. I just exist.. playing the side role in my own life.. that's how I was conditioned to feel.. that's how everybody thinks I should feel.. it's as if I was supposed to feel certain way cause that is what I deserve.. for what ??? Maybe for existing?? Maybe because I'm never supposed to be among them.. maybe because they never wanted me among them.. or maybe be, just maybe, they wanted me among them.. only so I can be of some use.. I can be used till the last drop of my blood serves their need.. when I'm all drawn out that's when I'm no longer needed and that is when I'm allowed to be free.. to leave life and find solace in death.. to feel the warm hug of the grim reaper who himself pitied my entire existence.. who came ever so fast as soon as he heard I'm his next passenger, so as to take me away from the hell I've been living in.. I yearned love and affection even in its most platonic states.. only to find that it's in his arms.. only to find that even this might not last as long as I wish it'll.. nothing ever dares even reach me to stay with me.. but if it does.. then it never stays with me as long as I wish it would.. I don't even know why.. I don't even know why I was born..

"I am a mosaic of everyone l've ever loved, even for a heart beat."

Living Mosaics - by Hannah Hassler

Introvert-friendly?

I mean I'm a socially awkward animal and I need care?! So.. be friendly (introvert-friendly!)

So I want to be in a community of any topic but like the "introvert-friendly" community (or groups or channel or whatever irdk!). No I don't mean like a community of introverts! I just want an introvert-friendly community if it makes sense..

Like an 'introvert' community is a community with introverts but an 'introvert-friendly' community (as I call it ..) is a community that is introvert-friendly.. lol.. ok so what I really mean is a community that's not too small to be less informative/useful but not too big to give anxiety.. I mean I really wanna join in groups that are about my favourite artists or idols or anything I like basically but then seeing the vast numbers of human beings that are formed into such a community makes me anxious.. I mean as much as I would love to be updated with my fav artist I don't want notifications flooding my phone and if the mute or off the notifications still when I open that certain app I would see tons of 'to-be read' texts which are the triggers points, the fear of missing out if I just scroll down and the fear of feeling left out is one thing but the fear to even see that many texts is terrifying (personally!). Which is why I wanna be in communities that are introvert-friendly. Cause I can just join in some communities where we only get updates (and anyone or I cannot text) to be updated but that'd mean no communication at all which is sometimes boring and most of the times discouraging if the reason I wanna join is to make friends or to be more communicative.

I don't know if I even make sense at all with this but this is something I've been feeling lately. I wanna know new people but larger groups make me anxious, more people and more communication makes me anxious, and still I want 'new' people in life T_T like I can go out and make friends but that'd make me anxious too, I mean my whole point is I'm an introvert so you can't expect me to do things in the casual and most usual way, cause what's causal for you is already a trigger point or an terrifying chore for me. Or maybe just maybe meeting new people in life than online is not only much more terrifying but also a lot boring .. ryt ?