Midnight Thinking - Tumblr Posts

IF YOU LOVE LIKE THAT, BLOOD RUNS COLD🖤

Taylor has something amazing that drives people towards her. So happy for her for winning VMA. Indeed a queen she is 👸💐

Are we what we do with time, or are we what time does with us?

Mahmoud Darwish, In the Presence of Absence

Introvert-friendly?

I mean I'm a socially awkward animal and I need care?! So.. be friendly (introvert-friendly!)

So I want to be in a community of any topic but like the "introvert-friendly" community (or groups or channel or whatever irdk!). No I don't mean like a community of introverts! I just want an introvert-friendly community if it makes sense..

Like an 'introvert' community is a community with introverts but an 'introvert-friendly' community (as I call it ..) is a community that is introvert-friendly.. lol.. ok so what I really mean is a community that's not too small to be less informative/useful but not too big to give anxiety.. I mean I really wanna join in groups that are about my favourite artists or idols or anything I like basically but then seeing the vast numbers of human beings that are formed into such a community makes me anxious.. I mean as much as I would love to be updated with my fav artist I don't want notifications flooding my phone and if the mute or off the notifications still when I open that certain app I would see tons of 'to-be read' texts which are the triggers points, the fear of missing out if I just scroll down and the fear of feeling left out is one thing but the fear to even see that many texts is terrifying (personally!). Which is why I wanna be in communities that are introvert-friendly. Cause I can just join in some communities where we only get updates (and anyone or I cannot text) to be updated but that'd mean no communication at all which is sometimes boring and most of the times discouraging if the reason I wanna join is to make friends or to be more communicative.

I don't know if I even make sense at all with this but this is something I've been feeling lately. I wanna know new people but larger groups make me anxious, more people and more communication makes me anxious, and still I want 'new' people in life T_T like I can go out and make friends but that'd make me anxious too, I mean my whole point is I'm an introvert so you can't expect me to do things in the casual and most usual way, cause what's causal for you is already a trigger point or an terrifying chore for me. Or maybe just maybe meeting new people in life than online is not only much more terrifying but also a lot boring .. ryt ?

Sometimes

Lonely nights and racing thoughts.. a midnight thought dump..

Sometimes i wonder why was I even born.. And sometimes I'm just happy cause I'm born.. Life can get hectic but it is my life after all.. I feel 'to live' is already a boon.. Bad days come and go.. Good days come and go.. At the end of the day it's my life.. Good or bad.. it's my day..

Sometimes i wish i was born as someone else.. Someone popular.. or beautiful.. or better.. or richer.. or intellectual.. or anyone but me.. But sometimes I just like to be myself.. I could be anything.. i could've been born as anyone else.. but I'm glad I'm just me.. I'm not perfect nor am flawless.. I'm just me.. and i feel it's attractive of me.. Being myself.. being me.. is attractive to me.. I mean if everyone is unique in their own sense.. Then I love my uniqueness.. the same thing that irks me sometimes.. and annoys me many times.. but makes me ME everytime..

Sometimes i wonder what a world would look like without me.. for everyone else it might be the same.. with or without me.. but to me it'd be so boring to even think of a world without me.. because I wasn't even there in it, a world without me, a world- wait! I'm my own world, my mind is my own universe, so a world is not even a world without me, how can I even think about a world without me.. for me a world without me.. Me-less.. is not even a world to begin with.. there's no world to me without me..

Sometimes i wonder if my life is even worth living.. and sometimes i wonder what did i even do in my past life to live this life.. the same life.. but different thoughts and different emotions.. it takes too much to make me hate my life.. and it takes just a single light bulb to lighten my mood and exude gratitude for having that same life.. loving my life is lot easier, while the chaos make me sick and hate my life, they also make me understand how luckier I am to have a life where the chaos never last forever.. it could've been a chaotic life but it is just a balance between chaos and peace.. I'm luckier to feel the chaos that makes the peace even better than it normally is.. I'm haply that I'm just alive..

- 16 sept, 2024.. 12:45am..

The last summer dairies

To my someone :

I don't know about happily ever after, cause I feel we're not meant for 'forever', we part and we live life on our own and might never get to see eachother or even if we do we may be too grown-up or too hesitant/awkward to start a conversation like we do now.. who knows? Who knows what future has in store for us..

Eventually everything ends like it meant to be, not everything can stay with us for an eternity, not even our own flesh and blood. Then why shall I dwell on the possible loss or departure in future, instead of cherishing the moment cause it won't last long, why shall I fear all the what if's and destroy what's happening?

So for the every moment that I've spent with you, I've learnt to cherish it, I've learnt to cherish our time together. It's like a part of you, part of us - a memory - that I'd carry with me till my last breath, even if we're together or just somewhere far away.

I realised I don't wanna name 'us'. I feel we're beyond every bond, every relationship tag that we humans invented. I believe, to love someone doesn't require any tags, all it requires is a heart full of love. To name us or to tag us, is to limit us, to limit our love only to the tag that describe us. If I tag someone as a friend or family I can only love them as such, nothing more. And I feel I love you limitless, tho platonic it has no limits I guess, so I don't wanna tag us and hope you never ask for one, it might sound silly or look like a messed up situation ship, but trust me I just love you, like a person who love another person without any reason, without any tags.

Sometimes I feel like we're romantic in a way, like damn I flirt with you more than I possibly could with my future someone, and we're definitely the friendliest cause we are, we're what not?? We're everything! So baby why limit us with a tag? Why limit our love?!

After all I've said and wrote for you, if you still question your position or the priority I give to you in my life, you're as dumb as a rock! I said what i said.

No tag means no importance?? Just cause I said you're more than a friend but couldn't say what you exactly are meant you mean nothing to me?? You think! When I wanted tagless and limitless love for us, you - unaware and insecure of your role - asked me to limit us?! I understand your inner turmoil but bruh you're dumb sorry!

I may have many people in my life with different tags and different priorities,some might even meant more than you but that doesn't mean you're any less, you remain the same, you remain as the same tag less, strong, pure and silly bond I've got. You're not this, not that, you're everything. Not romantic nor platonic, just soulful.

Remember even if I got hit by a huge, like very huge truck (if!!) And got diagnosed with amnesia, then remember that it's the body, the mind that is effected not my heart or soul. I might forget about your existence, the bodily materialistic existence, but your love remains the same. I might still feel the tears forming in my eyes when I see you in the hospital ward who came to check on me after the incident, I might struggle to remember you but my heart already dwells up and squeezes out the love in form of tears off my eyes, a heavy unknown yet familiar lump forms in my throat cutting the oxygen supply, all cause my heart still loves you while my mind forgot about your existence.

That is how pure our bond is..

That is how pure my love is..

I loved you, neat and clean..

Soulfully and heartfelt..

and will ever do! 𖹭

Tags : #the last summer dairies

Author's note : Idk why half my summer dairies were filled with the love letters I wrote to my bestie (ik I said no tags but it's as in the love, it's beyond the love I show for any friend, while l call her ma or momma, I still describe her as my bestie to the world) but trust me there's other stuff too.. right?!

Does anyone else feel like they're searching, not for a person, but for a conversation?

Sometimes I don't want to to imagine the ink as my blood. Sometimes I truly want to bleed.

I understand now how people can suddenly believe and not believe. The faiths fades in and it fades out. We make a decision and that decision affects everything.

Why is it the more I want a baby I can't afford, the more I find men attractive?

Counseling is not about being a being a victim. It is about breaking the victim mindset.

Sometimes, I think the stories of old were just used to explain the complicated simply. It was about the delicate balances of the world and we just use different stories to describe it, but ultimately we were trying to say the same thing.

I want the music so loud that I can't even think. And nothing can get that loud.

Middle of the night

Sitting alone in my room

Getting drunk on orange juice

does anyone else have problems with thinking of things that get you mildly aroused but you're too tired to do anything about it