Me: This Post Is Really Cool. *like*

me: This post is really cool. *like*

me: Haha, that's hilarious! *like*

me: I can relate to that. *like*

me: AWWWWWWWWWWWW~ *like*

[later]

friend: But yeah, I can't really draw hands that well, I have to practice up.

me: I found a great tutorial for that on Tumblr! One sec, lemme find it for ya.

me: *searches for a few keywords*

me: Can't seem to find it, let me dig through my likes...

me: *opens likes*

me: *scroll*

me: *scroll*

me: *scroll*

me: *scroll*

me: Heh, I remember that one.

me: *scroll*

me: *scroll*

me: *scroll*

me: *scroll*

me: *scroll*

me: *scroll*

me: *scroll*

me: Oh here it is! Check this out-- wait where did you go

This is what anxiety looks like

Me: *hanging with a friend*

Friend: Want to go eat somewhere?

Me: I don't have money, I'll eat at home.

Friend: [stronger] Want to go eat somewhere?

Me: Erm... sure!

Anxiety: You don't have money, how will you pay for it?

Brain: It sounds like he's offering to buy it for me, so--

Anxiety: But what if he doesn't?

Brain: are you serious right now

*later, getting in the car*

Friend: [on phone with another friend] Will and I are going to eat somewhere, want to come?

Me: [under breath] if someone buys it for me

Brain: DID YOU JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD.

Anxiety: See? Even he agrees with me.

Brain: Would you SHUT UP

*at the restaurant*

Friend: [on his phone] I'm looking something up, you go order, I'll catch up in a minute.

Anxiety: But you don't have money, what are you going to do?

Brain: He's going to buy it for me, how many times do I have to--

Anxiety: But he hasn't said that yet.

Me: ...

Brain: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Me: *watches friend to stall for time*

Of course, my friend ended up buying dinner for me, like my rational brain was telling me. But the whole situation SUCKED because my dysfunctional brain was acting stupid.

You know what? My life is actually going pretty swell right now.

It’s the beginning of a brand-new quarter. I have a couple of friends in all of my classes, and we’re all working on the homework together. While I don’t have a job yet, I have money for rent this month, and a supportive family for groceries. I’ve been posting mildly regularly, and finding things to say even in real-life conversation. I’m spending time with my friends, and even cooking for them sometimes. Most of all, I’m safe, happy, and well-fed.

I suppose it’s about time for something to come along and screw that up, right? I mean, it IS a little quiet around here. Quiet enough that, normally, life would give me a slap in the face right about now. Like maybe someone steals my wallet? Or one of my classes suddenly changes its homework policy. Or, ooh, maybe the house catches fire! I dunno, some catastrophe like that.

Or maybe I’ve finally settled in. Who knows? It’s kinda sad I’ve become so pessimistic.

My roommate and I had an interesting conversation a while ago that I’ve been ruminating over. We were discussing how our brains handle stress, and I said something that threw him off guard - that I can act independently of how I’m thinking. That didn’t make sense to him; he said that he can’t do that, but he can stop the thought in question and not let it push him. I’ve been fascinated by the discussion ever since, and I think I’ve finally fleshed out my explanation enough to describe what’s going on.

It explains a lot of things.

What’s at play here is where the conscious rift between input and actions lies. Let’s say someone throws a rock at you. Why not throw the rock back? Because that’s mean, and we should be above that or something - whatever, it’s just an example. But there’s two ways of preventing it that vary from person to person:

Getting irritated and maybe wanting to throw the rock back, but choosing not to.

Choosing not to get irritated at all, and thus not wanting to throw the rock back.

The person in the first example may not be able to control their emotion, while the person in the second example may not be able to control the action following their emotion. I am the first, and my roommate is the second. It’s almost like two different kinds of consciousness.

For me, emotion and thought are undercurrents for my actions. They lead me in a particular direction if I’m not thinking about it, but I don’t have to follow it. However, I can’t control the emotion itself. It does whatever it wants to. This can be particularly bad when it is really strong, because it becomes difficult to swim against the current (to continue the analogy).

For my roommate, the emotion or thought inevitably shows in whatever actions follow. But he can choose not to feel it at all, thus preventing the action. Like with me, he can be overwhelmed by strong emotion, but it’s more like holding up the roof when it caves in.

This may seem trivial. It leads to the same end, so what’s the difference? Well, whenever I’m told to just not be stressed or to stop telling myself something, I can’t do that and it annoys the heck out of me. But it’s not meant to be mocking, that’s how the other person does it. It’s a distinct disconnect between two very different styles of handling the situation.

I may have simplified this quite a bit; there’s a huge difference between thoughts and emotions (for one), and there’s probably more ways of handling it in general that I don’t yet know of. Nevertheless, it’s very interesting to think about. It gives me a lot more respect for the different ways people think and feel.

I can’t imagine that the number of people who can do both of these is very high, but I bet they have supreme self-control and self-awareness.

Stress

Imagine for a moment that you're a shark.

Legends say that a shark will stop breathing if it stops moving. (That's not entirely true, but let's assume it is for illustration's sake.) You, the shark, are heading toward another location, perhaps a reef, to find food.

Now, imagine that the water around you starts to become thicker - more viscous. It becomes harder to swim, and in turn harder to breathe - which itself also makes it harder to swim. Each in turn compounds the other until you have to fight to swim each and every inch. All you can think of is that you need to reach your destination; it's right there, just keep going...! But your pace has slowed to a crawl.

That, to me, is stress. I start to freeze up whenever people put pressure on me. I can't think straight; fear takes me over, and I can only think of the consequences of failure. If I can't think, I can't formulate a plan - and I can't succeed, resulting in more stress. It's the worst kind of downward spiral.

But, going back to the shark, there's a little more to it. Let's say the water returns to its normal state. The shark won't automatically speed up and keep going. It has to recover first, to gradually pick up the energy and drive to move again. Soon it is going at full speed once more - but not immediately.

Even when the source of stress goes away, for me, the internal pressure has not. The relief hasn't set in. I'm still irritated, short-tempered, or burdened until I've had time to be alone or otherwise recover. I don't know why, but I've had limited success explaining this to people I know; I'm under the impression that it's not a common problem.

For some people, working under stress gives them more energy and motivation. I guess I'm just not built like that.

Internet grammar

The way we use the Internet has fundamentally changed the way we use language. That's a pretty obvious observation, sure, but there's subtleties that some people may not pick up on.

If you were to give any formal writer a deep look into these kinds of changes, there would probably be lots of cringing involved. But if there were a person who could catalog the new ways people have shaped language, it would actually help in being a much more effective writer. It would be especially useful for things like public relations, advertising, or blogging. I'm not just saying this to help people attract the "young, hip" crowd - I'm bringing this up because it seems no one else has extensively looked at these trends.

Consider the following example. I'm writing an IM to someone I know. This person just sent me a picture that I don't get, so I inquire:

"What is that?"

There's a few different ways this can be altered by looking at just punctuation and capitalization, and they really change the way someone might read it.

"What is that?" - most inquisitive, mildly serious, a touch formal "What is that" - almost matter-of-factly stated "what is that" - muffled, least serious, monotone

These are the ways I read it, and it may be different from others, but the subtleties are there among everyone's writing styles. Other, more deviant variants include:

"wat" - joking, possibly sarcastic "What." - joking but still heavily inquisitive "What is THAT." - most serious, threatening tone "What is that...?" - trailing, most confused

I could go on and on about each particular part of the variations, how they play off each other, where they apply to more formal instances... but I think the point is pretty clear.

These are fairly recent phenomena for the most part, so it's possible that people haven't had the time to really look at them. However, I think that it would be a huge benefit to do so, even if different people may use them slightly differently. If nothing else, it'd make for an interesting study.