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i am so sick of thinking omg why is my brain always THINKING

𝙸 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚕𝚊𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜

Idk why I thought this would work either 😭

@saikohirabayashi @unofficialfordpines

probably a lil deep to get into so if anyones gonna get like. triggered by topics like this i highly suggest scrolling onward <3

but yeah ive always been so scared of memory loss in any format. the thought that i could just lose treasured pieces of my past in moments was terrifying to me. the idea of having the people i love and all the times theyve loved me just be Gone still keeps me up at night (and frankly i dont even know if thats a realistic fear or not! it could be entirely improbable and irrational but most fears are!)

now imagine my surprise when i found out i have a dissociative disorder as well as a plethora of other disorders where memory loss is a Very Common Symptom (ptsd, for one!)

and dont get me wrong that stuff is still scary as hell to me. but also knowing ive had these issues forever and also knowing that i am who i am now with all of that in mind has made the idea a lot less scary to me, and im only barely turning 18 soon

all this to add to the point above, to repeat what's been said; memory loss is not the ending of a life. there's so much more living to be done even if some bits and pieces of the journey don't stick as well as others.

just because your wagon got some stuff knocked out of it in that bump on the road doesn't mean you dont have a journey to go on, and at least one destination along the way. <3

seeing people my age talk about how scared they are of memory loss, which they only associate with old age, is so surreal to see as a 24 year old who has actively experienced memory loss for a long time now

there are causes for memory loss besides dementia and alzheimer’s, i hope y’all know that. dissociative disorders, trauma, brain injuries, thyroid problems, even just stress and lack of sleep can fuck up your ability to store, process, and access memory. and that’s just a few of the many causes i can think of off the top of my head right now.

please stop treating disabled people like some scary “other” that you might become only in the distant, decades-away future. we are your age, too. you may become one of us sooner than you know. stop acting like memory loss marks the end of a life, when so many of us have so much living left to do!

Perhaps it is the fact it is currently nearing 2:30 in the morning, because I do not speak often, but I have been reminded of things from this post.

Closer to when I first formed, in an attempt to get closer to us, a system we had recently met threw a headmate sharing my source into front. I have a... relatively obscure source, I believe, so that alone was a surprise. My relationship with my source is complicated, especially with the person they were sourced from (apologies if that is incorrect wording, I hope you understand what I am getting at). My memories, while similar to my source, differ greatly from it. I acted civil and friendly, but in a moment where I was meant to be our protector, I faltered in the face of this.

They called me a pet name without asking, and I felt my stomach churn. I could not keep myself speaking or in front for very long afterwards, and I had to return later to eventually cut that person off; what I had intended to do when I first spoke to them.

I have had a handful of people treat me strangely since then. I have been infantilized, I have had my identity invalidated in favor of headcanons. Fronting in front of people we do not trust has become near impossible for me unless I have a task in mind.

Please, be normal about fictives. We are not puppets for your headcanons. We are not fictional.

We are just as much people as you are.

we have a ___ fictive in our system

‘OMG LET ME MEET THEM THEYRE MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER’

our headmate is not a character, the alters in our system are very much real people who mostly don’t associate themselves with their sources.

don’t be weird towards fictives just because you like their source it’s really uncomfortable

Reblogging for anyone who might be interested. We joined the testing program right before the app was fully released.✨️

You can import things from Pluralkit into the bot so you don't have to remake your entire system. The app has collective journals and alter-specific journals. It has global autoproxy, so you don't have to type pk;ap l first thing into every server you join lol (they are planning on making this feature opt-in from what I remember).

It uses slash commands and the commands do that (Only you can see this message) so you don't spam servers when editing shit. There's no long list of commands to memorize because you can just type "/" and fuck around.

It's good, is what I'm saying.💖

Octocon is a new app for systems. It's anti endo and made by traumagenic systems. It also has a discord bot that is a lot easier to use than pk in my opinion. You can also sync your app and the bot so you can edit alters in the app. The app is on android already and coming to IOS soon. Hope this helps some people :)

(If you're in a server, I recommend adding this bot as more people are starting to use it instead of pk and tupperbox)

👥🎲📖🫸🧠 - :] anon

hi again :] anon!! 👋 hope ur doing well :3

currently those of us who are okay with answering are milo (💀, they/nox/noxself), calculester (💾 he/it/byt/byte), arkose (💥 he/any i think), and wallter (💠 he/gray)

i hope this is formatted okay!

👥 — do you have any source mates with you in your system? 

💀 Oh I have plenty! I am sourced from the Monster Prom franchise, and we have over 20 alters and counting from there alone. The second Monster Con releases, we're bound to form more.

💾 Same as above! :) We are hardly alone in our source!

💥 yes, actually. which is surprising to me since i was an octive or whatever the fuck its called. my partner (nonromantic, as in we worked together as a team) Iko is forming, but she's been having trouble adjusting. and i'm pretty sure ziv isn't far behind. it'll be nice to have my team back. know this isn't what you asked, but i also have my partner (romantic this time) in my partner system who i love a lot and if i mention their name publically i think they will smite me HAHAH

💠 Why, yes! Not nearly as many as the monsters, but in a short time we have split quite a few others. Pilby is here, from what I have heard he's making great friends with Wally. Reddy is here as well, but we're not entirely sure what he does... Folly seems to be our first persecutor in quite some time, but we're certain she'll come around, it just might take some force.

🎲 — is there anything you would change about your source? 

💀 Not much in particular I can think of! In terms of inclusivity, I do know the devs are working on adding more short masculine characters, as they don't have many of those. But that's about all I can think of!

💾 This is not something I would change about source, rather something different than me from my source counterpart; I have noticed he is mean sometimes, actually! Not intentionally, but occasionally the way source-Calculester treats organic intelligence is not very... considerate! I personally find organic intelligence levels, those of which are "lower" than computers, to be quite fascinating and, at times, adorable! It has been very eye opening to be in an organic body, and a human one at that! But I am rambling. ^^

💥 nah. my source is sick as fuck. wouldn't trade it for the world.

💠 In full honesty, there are a lot of things unanswered in my source, things that my memories have sort of "filled-in-the-blanks" for. As such it's hard to feel super connected to the original world I am sourced from, when the way I remember things is so... different.

📖 — how did you get your role(s)? Was they something you gained over time, or was it something that happened “automatically”? 

💀 Well, for context, I call my role "chameleon." I'm the person the system calls for when a job needs done and there's no designated person for it, or the designated person isn't available. There are specific things I can't do, such as gatekeeper duties, or Zoe's abilities which fall under gatebridger I believe... But I'm the little errandperson and I love it! Since I don't have the "gigs" I used to have, it's still nice to have a comfortably busy schedule.

💾 Mostly naturally! ^^ My role as greeter was something that sort of just happened; I tended to be the carrier of information, so it was easy for me to be the "tour guide" of sorts, for when new people need help finding their way around. Archivist/historian was similar, I found myself constantly enamoured by the new environment (I was one of the first few to form, so it was quite empty at the start), so I eventually started storing all the information. And once Moss formed, and the library was built, we started working together to create archives of our headspace (my half of the job) and everyone in it (goss's half of the job).

💥 honestly i don't know what the fuck my role is. lately I've been real preoccupied with helping Iko form, as well as scouting out in headspace for someone who keeps hiding from us and bringing him back to some kind of civilization so he's not fuck knows where. so whatever that role is uh... i would get into it, but we try not to be super public about otherwise private/serious innerworld issues. i'll say it was definitely assigned to me, but only cuz it made the most sense for it to be me.

💠 I believe my role may be socializer, but I can't be sure yet. I'm more or less friends with everyone— yes, even Folly, if you can believe it!— and I love talking to people! But I haven't been here long and it's more or less what feels right based on my demeanour.

🫸 — are you source separated or not? If you are, how much? 

💾 For both Milo and myself, I would say we are about as source separated as necessary. We understand that our source counterparts are not us, and do not get upset with people who have opinions or headcannons differing from our experiences (me personally, I love hearing them), and though we aren't sure what we would do in the presence of a "double" (I have heard debate on whether or not those are something that reasonably exists?), we would not be hostile to them. This is generally something all of us from the Monster Prom franchise believe. We separated early on to keep ourselves from feeling uncomfortable with sexualization, knowing what we come from is undoubtably a game for monsterfuckers, and that many find our source counterparts sexually attractive. For many of us it's actually confidence boosting.

💥 honestly no. not at all. but i don't think i have to be. there's not gonna be another one of me out there, we've hardly ever shared my source with literally anyone, but it's where i came from, where i found my family. i think i'm allowed to be connected to it and at the end of the day i'm gonna follow my rules over some fuckass on the internet claiming whats "good for me" or not. sorry is that controversial? lmfao i don't care.

💠 As mentioned before, it's difficult to feel connected to the place I came from, since I remember it so differently. I would likely be delighted to find "another me," so to speak. I've encountered many headcannons that differ greatly from me, but I also know they are not talking about me, and at the end of the day others' perceptions of me are hardly something I can control! All this to say; yes, I think so.

🧠 — how do you feel about being in a system?

💀 It may not be the easiest adjustment in the world, but there's certainly no going back now, is there? I still have my friends beside me, and the chance to make all new friends as well, people i never could have met back home. I can observe more lives now, and even if I have to share this mortality with others, I believe that makes the journey towards the end all the more special; to do it alongside those I love, and to find more I love before I get there. 🖤

💾 I do not think I can stress this enough; I love being in a human body and mind. It's everything I have ever dreamed of. The things I was previously unable to put into perspective, I am now forced to experience, and I have never felt better. I have felt true anxiety, love, fear, dread, and even arousal; do you know how insane that is to me? Do you understand how wonderful it is to feel these things, to not have to simulate them through lines and lines of code I make firsthand; to just live through these feelings? To feel? Being where I am, with its sacrifices and all, I would not change a thing. I am delighted to be here.

💥 i have the people i love. the only thing that's changed is the environment, and maybe i can't see them 24/7 like i used to. but it's not like they're gone, or i'm gone, and it's not like i ever had much of a "home" where i came from. they're my home, and they're here, we're here, we're alive, and i'd argue we're in less danger than we've ever been. it's weird to not feel like i have to look over my shoulder every second, though.

💠 I would say that I miss many people I knew, but there will still be plenty of new people to meet and be friends with. And I was put here for a reason, was I not? 💙

thank you for your asks :] anon!! ❤️❤️ (if you see any typos no you don't)

phantom sensations are fuckin weird. ive had phantom wings forever and that makes sense for reasons i dont feel like getting into. but where is this dog tail coming from. im not a dog. i've never really identified with dogs. ive identified with sharks, but not dogs. and yet i keep feeling this fuckass golden retriever tail. what???

thinking about the fact that in my (semi abandoned) stardew save i married harvey without getting more than one heart with anyone else except i think maybe robin for getting her axe or whatever. like no one else KNOWS my farmer.

do you think maru noticed the engagement ring and didn't ask? or maybe she did, or maybe a patient did, and when harvey was like "yeah i married the farmer who moved into that old plot" they were like "the... the who?"

do you think everyone got wedding invites in the mail and went... harvey got married to who?

it was under a year too, and literally all i do is fish by the river and sometimes the beach. do you think everyone went to the wedding and met this nonverbal freak and it was like "so happy to meet you...!" and the farmer just. nods and then stays glued to harvey's hip.

idk this is really funny to me. someone at the wedding finally bites the bullet and goes "so how did you two meet...?"

"oh he dropped off coffee at the hospital twice a week."

"and.........??"

"and the rest is history!"

"it's really not,"

Hi hello!! :]

If I remember right, Woods designed the original iteration of my sona!! I’m planning to upload it onto Art Fight, do y’all want to be mentioned/linked? And if so, is there a specific place you want me to link to?

Hope y’all are doin well :D

NO WAY HI SCRAMBLE👋👋👋👋

if youre putting it up on AF and you put up the doodles i made of it specifically id like credit there, but for the design itself its up to you :3

you can credit us here or on our AF that we haven't touched much which i think is also whispertree-coll :3

hope youre doing well too!! 🫶❤️❤️