Depresso - Tumblr Posts
Sometimes I feel like everything I do is for nothing and no one cares or appreciates anything from me............and then I come home to my cat.
Ah how the depression demon hath struck me again
*to the tune of Happy Together by The Turtles*
I’ve just pulled my second all nighter
And I don’t want this LIIIIFE
Existence is a crisis and I-
I wanna DIIIIE
Draw ur beloved cookie.. or another character, most importantly, beloved :з
umm... ngl he is pretty beloved tbh...
tear
apparently if you first tear comes out of your right eye when you cry it’s out of joy
but when the first tear comes out of your left eye when you cry it’s out of pain
why is my left eye a waterfall and my right eye’s the sahara desert
Prometti di non spezzarti, a prescindere da quanto vieni piegato.
You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm faking who I am. Like if I'm actually Non-binary, if I'm actually queer, if I'm actually depressed, and if I'm actually anxious.
Then I sit there and think: "Well, I don't want to be anything other than Non-binary. It makes me happy. I don't want to be anything but queer. Thinking about being in a hetero relationship makes me uncomfortable. It'd be so much easier to not be anxious and depressed, I wouldn't have to take medication then. Two different professionals agreed that I have these issues."
I think I'm critical of myself. I would believe anyone else who told me that thier those things, so why don't I believe myself? Just a little ramble into the never-ending hell sight that is tumbler
Ahem-
I wanted to write about this for quite a while, but every time there was something stopping me..
⚠️Warnings!!!⚠️
•This post is not connected with the theme of this blog, just a rambling of mine
• an angsty post with a mention of suicide
Sometimes I try to get rid of dark and disgusting emotions by the help of any kind of art and it usually goes in 3 stages.
1 stage:
For example writing a poem of how I hate something right now or drawing a doodle/art with a character who has a tragic backstory. Crying....a lot and questioning my life choices and a purpose of existence. Then hiding these poems and art somewhere in my room.
2 stage:
Forgetting about the place I hid it in and what exactly has been created. Focusing on the life and schoolwork.
3 stage:
Suddenly finding these "pieces of art" during general cleaning and taking a moment to think. Then crying happily and thanking my past self for not doing a freakin suicide.
『I do not regret living
I am more or less happy with myself』
Then it goes all over again, sometimes methods and stages change but the result is one...I continue on living
But...there is always this but....however....an exception out of the rules I've been used to for so long,
this tiny dark thought that appeared
I've made this video during these two weeks because of once again falling into this abyss...and I really thought that this feeling would just go away...
sometime.... like it always did
this time I couldn't stop on just 3 stages thing.
No, it was harder than I expected
At first I couldn't even recognize the depression, cause
『aight, I am just exhausted, sleep will help』
It didn't
The situation escalated quickly
The thoughts became darker than usual
『Why am I acting so awkward?
Can they hear me? I want to tell them- no, not now
Speak normally, f* concentrate!
They are my friends ...well...classmates.am I allowed to talk to them? I'll definitely disturb them...it is better to stop the social interaction....I don't want to ruin somebody's day
They won't see the real me if I keep wearing the mask
I want to cry
Focus
Fell asleep during the lesson
Focus
My grades are lower than usual
Focus
I need a place to cry, maybe behind the coats?
Is there a reason to live? to exist?
Why am I trying to cut myself if these scratches are not deeper than a cat's?
Is it better to jump? hang? or poison?
Wait stop-
Not now.....I need to stop... freakin slow down
Life is wonderful even if it's a lie
I can't stop crying
I am not fine
I want to disappear』
These are not even a half of what I went on thinking about.
The constant pressure and failed attempts to focuse made me just look like a tired lad, nothing more, not even a suicidal shadow made it up to my face. Every single thought was trapped inside, deep down, until I was home...where I really could cry without looking suspicious
『Oh! I-I've just watched a series with a dramatic end, that's why I'm crying』
Excuses and more excuses each day
Then I've finally decided to countdown the days from 15th to 21st of March.
Only 6 days and only 2 variants.
I'll end my life...No matter how, I'll do it!
Or
Continue on living...happily
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
After 6 days of deciding
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
Today was the 21st of March and I'm still alive
I've realized a few things:
•I want to live
•I want to talk to people
• why did I even hesitate whether they see me as a friend or not? Of course we are friends.
•I don't want to burden my family with more troubles
•I don't want to become a cheater that could just escape this life without living it
That's what I chose after being depressed for about two weeks.
We must never give up!
💚💚💚💚
