Human Are Weird - Tumblr Posts
Do i need to say more about this masterpiece?
Aliens vs Human Instincts
Ahem. For the consideration of the Humans are Space Orcs/Oddities/Deathworlders/Australians I present: wound licking instinct.
Humans, and most mammals, are hardwired to lick their bleeding wounds because our saliva contains tissue factor - which helps clot blood - and the enzyme lysozyme (also found in tears) which helps prevent infection.
However, human saliva also contains a horrifying amount of dangerous bacteria, so it's anyone's guess whether they're going to prevent or cause an infection when they start licking up their own blood. Human saliva coated wounds have caused infections bad enough to cause amputations and deaths, historically speaking.
Now imagine you're an alien whose species does not have the wound licking instinct.
You're already scared out of your mind because you've run your limit and the human is still following you. You hit it with something sharp. It staggers, it's hand bleeds.
It reaches up and licks the blood off its hand. It consumes itself with bared teeth. It hasn't taken its eyes off you as it does this.
In the ensuing scuffle it bites you. Somehow you manage to escape. But the wound aches and burns and the infection nearly costs you your arm.
You see the human again later that day. It waves. There is no sign of death in its hand.
FRRRRRRRRRR OMg theres like so Many unhinged people out there that looks so god damn normal until you trigger something and they'll reveal how feral, down bad, dirty, weird asf they are.
nah man you know what
enough with the 'uwu humans are fragile' in the transformers fandoms
gimme humans that are FERAL and are literal space orcs on a hell planet that tries every day to kill them even when its a nice day!
our games as children teach us hunting/evading/pursuit skills. Hide and Seek anyone? we learn to hide from enemies, how to track them down, and how to run them down if playing hide and seek: tag edition.
lets take Earthspark for example.
yes the cybertronians are Much Larger than us and that's Scary bc we're just a Little Guy but also once we get over that fear they become jungle gyms. you literally cannot tell me that (willing) autobots would not have at least 20 soldiers climbing all over their frames, using them as a the 'quick route' to get onto tall walkaways instead of having to go down the hall a quarter of a mile, take a left, take an elevator, and then climb stairs to reach the correct catwalk.
Wheeljack introduces a new weapon? the humans go "ooooo NICE but add a flame thrower."
"Why"
"bc i want to be able to toast marshmallows while i shoot shit with this thing"
just humans being their little weird humans selves and giving cybertronians on both sides heart attacks with the stupid shit we do
Mouse trouble
Imagine if aliens are testing how we react to different animals.
Alien 1: They've bonded with canine predators and creature ten times their size. I don't think that small rodent is going to do anything.
Alien 2: Well maybe you're right, but we must try it.
4 hours later
"MOUSE! MOUSE! SOMEONE HELP!"
Alien 1 walks in to the humans panicking trying to catch the small creature.
Alien 1: It's not even a threat to their species.
Alien 2 writing done that humans are indeed scared of a...mouse
Jealousy
Human and alien 1 walk into main pod with many others
Vil: oh hey alien 1 me and my partners are going on a mission want to join?
Alien 1: oh sur-
Human: actually we're doing something that day so... sorry
Vil: I didn't even say the time
Human glared meaning 'take a hint'
Vil: that's fine see you later
Human and alien 1 walk out
Alien 1: I don't understand our human calander says we have no up coming event
Human: you will learn soon that humans hate sharing
Sorry this isn't what I usually write but I'm tired and didn't have anything in mind so here....
Disguise
Alien 1 digging through clothes
Alien 1: Human where's my disguise?
Human: whaaattt
Alien 1: WHERE IS MY DISGUISE!?
Human: I uhhh put it away
Alien 1: Where?
Human: Why do you need to know?
Alien 1: I need it
Human: nu uh don't you think running off to do some experiments we've been planning this get together for two months
Alien 1: The experiments in danger
Human: MY EVENINGS IN DANGER!
Alien: YOU TELL ME WHERE MY SUIT IS HUMAN WE'RE TALIING ABOUT THE GREATER GOOD!
Human: GREATER GOOD I AM A HUMAN IM THE GREATEST GOOD YOU EVER GONNA GET!
Alien 1: -_-
At this point idk what I'm doing, I might change up my post alittle with short stories but this just came to mind
Red alert
We as humans have learn to not give any, when it came to emergencies so here...
Speaker: RED ALERT RED ALERT THERE IS A FIRE IN THE SHIP
Alien 1: Human hurry we must evacuate the ship
Human: No, my pot pie is 1 minute from being done and I'll be damned if I miss lunch again
Alien 1: Your existence is worth more then food
Human: You take that back
Got this idea from something about how we show little care for anything and brush it under the rug
Weather
When we're told to had more layer to our clothing for cold weather we take it as a challenge
Alien 1: Human, the temperature outside is very cold for you and can make you sick, maybe you should add some more clothing perhaps
Human: no
Alien: but human-
Human: The cold is a mere foe, and adding more will only prove defeat, and with god as my witness I shall not be bested
One day later
Human with thermometer in mouth: *sniff* how did I get sick?
Alien 1: Ask your witness
OKAY don't know if this good but hey it's all I got rn soo...
Enemies
Some humans have a list of people they like and hate, they will sometimes do anything to stay away or get close to one
Alien 1: Human we need a trained technician for this mission here's the list of candidates
Human: hate you, hate you, you're creepy, and you stole my lunch, we have no one to take on the mission
Alien 1: well what about them?
Human: they stole...my heart
Alien 1:...THEY DID WHAT!?
Dark
We fear the dark even if we know there's nothing in it we just do
Alien 1: Human why are you stand near the lights witch?
Human: *mumbling*
Alien 1: human...
Human: NOW!
Human dashes to the room as they turn off the lights
Alien 1: Human what's wrong is there something here!?
Human: ney, the demons of the dark has lost again and will never catch me
Alien 1: why are you like this?
Demon: you've won this round jerk
History
The saying "Only God can judge me" goes into any topics politics, religion, my Brower histo-
Alien 1: Human I need help
Human: SHI- *slam*
Alien 1: Human why did you close your device when I entered
Human: No reason
Alien: Human show me what you've been doing
Human: No, my actions are between me and God
Alien 1: YOUR ATHEIST YOU HAVE NO GOD
Human: YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
Alien 1:THEN ILL TAKE YOU DEAD NOW GIVE THE COMPUTER
Months without posting and I nothing to say you can judge me neither :]
Accents
It is easy to tell the difference between languages but even with the same language some have strong accents
Alien 1: Human why do you and Human 2 sound different yet you both speak the same language?
Human: well they grew up in a different part of the country
Alien 1: a short distance apart makes you sound THAT different?
Human: come on their accent can't be that strong
Human 2 busting into the room
Human 2: HAVE ANY OF Y'ALL SEEN MY MOTHERFUKIN HAT!? I CAN GO HORSE RIDIN WITHOUT IT
YEEEE HAWWW
Followers
This is just came to mind after just getting a follower on here so yay
Human: Alien 1 look I just got a new follower on tiktok
Alien 1: looking around* I don't see anyone following you, maybe somethings wrong with your eyes
Human: No on social media where people watch you through your daily life
Alien 1: theirs people watching us!?
Human: No they're just-
Alien 1: COME OUT HERE! IM NOT THAT SCARED OF YOU!
Hi inasmallhouse who gave me this idea just by following me and thank you for the support
Dating
What if date is a thing only humans do
Alien: Human what'd valentine's day?
Human: It's when people go on a date with their partner
Alien: date? Never heard of it
Human: well it when you spend time with someone you love and if you do it long enough then it may lead to marriage
Alien: so you spend your most of your life not only trying to find a partner but you have to take them on alot of dates that leads to you vowing the rest of your life together.
Human: technically yes
Alien:...you might want to look harder then
Game on
Do t you hate it when you lose a game but still play it well...
Alien entering humans room to them screaming
Human: THAT STUPID ONE SHOT GOT ME AGAIN
Alien1: Human if you hate the game so much why don't you stop playing
Human: cause I will not accept defeat from a 5 year old high on sugar
Alien 1: it can't be that bad-
Human: FUCK YOU CANDLELICKER123 YOU CAMPING WHORE
Alien 1: maybe not...
Make believe
When we tell stories we tend to stretch the possibility of it ever happening in real life
Human: and then they flew off into the sunset
Alien 1: well that can't be correct giraffes don't fly
Human: well it's make believe so I say they can
Alien 1: but your "make believe" is impossible and will never happen in real life
Human: just let me live in a world where me and Ryan Reynolds are married okay!?
Alien 1: I don't think that's even possible in make believe land
Surprise texture
Food tast good and have many textures to go along with it
Human: alien 1 you have to try this it's sooo good
Alien 1: Um, I'm not sure. Remember last time I ate human food? I'm still picking out glitter.
Human: I'm sure
Alien 1: okay...
Human: so what ya think?
Alien 1: it's really good but it's too crunchy
Human: its-it's jello
Reminder that I'm not dead.
Surprise crunch in soft food is true horror
Impulse control
We as humans go through many bad thoughts that we know is bad but want to try it anyway.
Alien 1: Human I've made a mind reading helmet so I can understand your species better.
*human is oblivious to the alien as they put on the helmet*
Alien 1: okay, time to test it.
Humans thoughts: this deadly chemical could kill me with one touch... it looks so delicious though
Alien 1: you know what screw understanding your kind I prefer the monkies
Hi happy new year
Tattoo :)
Alien 1: Human what is on your skin?
Human: Oh, it's a tattoo I got it today. I hope it last for years.
Alien 1: why would humans get something that last so long on, on your skin?
Human: tattoos are a way to decorate our bodies and show who we are as a person. They have deep meaning, and a lot of thought should go into it before getting one.
Human 2: GUYS LOOK I GOT A TATTOO OF A FROG RIDING A BIKE!