Sexual Healing - Tumblr Posts

I masturbate now.

Since you found out the depths of my depravity, I found myself feeling sick when the fire within me flickered.

Not anymore. I will nourish the flame without guilt.

Seven Months

Since I've had sex. This is the longest I've gone by far since I started when I was 15.

I have a very complicated relationship with sex, and I don't know if I'm prepared to write on it just yet. However I can say that he made so many things worse: shame, humiliation, and ridicule - among other things.

I was certain, back in October when we first ceased contact, that I would never have sex again.

I am not ready, but I am certain now, that I don't want that to be true.

One day, when i know myself and I trust myself, I will let someone touch me again.

I use objects sometimes. Toys, enhancers, paraphernalia.

I use just my hands other times.  Or a blanket, or a pillow.

I take my time. I explore. I learn.

I smile when I’m getting close.

I laugh through my orgasms.

I feel no guilt.

I feel sexy. I feel power. I feel whole.

Never again will this body be bound to you.

From December to Now.  This is what progress looks like.

I masturbate now.

Since you found out the depths of my depravity, I found myself feeling sick when the fire within me flickered.

Not anymore. I will nourish the flame without guilt.

Too much information.

There is talk of sex under the cut. It is not graphic, and it is in reference to my recovery. But I mention orgasms and shaming.

My woman wants me to climax. I love her for it, and I can usually oblige. However some days my body is a bit more stubborn than others.

"What do you need?" She asks me. "What can I do?"

And this is another spot where I feel the depth of the damage he caused me. Many times, I don’t know what I need or want. It has never really been about me.

Most times, though,  I just don't have the ability to communicate it. I open my mouth but nothing comes out.

My brain swirls with too many bad experiences where I wasn't allowed to want anything.  He rarely asked, even conversationally, what I actually liked.  When I was asked and responded, I was corrected as if I didn’t know my own body, or he said “oh” in a disappointed tone, as though he was expecting/hoping I’d say something else.

Occasionally my response disgusted him; he told me he it was so awful he couldn’t continue unless we proceeded the way he liked it.  So I learned to ask for what he wanted, to ask for the things I knew would get him off quickly, and off me.  Sex was best served swift and efficiently.  

I am not there. But I hope she keeps asking. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell her.

Poignant ponderings on the poetic process from ieatedthepurpleone

Thank you for having those placed 

And posted with admirable haste

Any post that is dealing

In sexual healing 

Should never be made go to waste.

~

They're many who'll try to exploit us

For talents in verse so adroit, thus

when blessed with a gift

That brings such a lift

Use it for rhyming 'bout coitus

~

I rhyme for the joy, there's no doubt

Perhaps a few lines will have clout

But in verse about sex

I'm a Rhythmus Rex

Who aims to stay in, not pull out

~

Disclaimer

* All views in this verse, here expressed

Unless otherwise somehow impressed

Span from crass down to queerer

But aren't a true mirror

And are meant to be taken in jest.