Self Blame - Tumblr Posts

Poem: Unspoken Lines #2

A Haiku // The One about Self-Blame

“Did you love me when

Your heart still had its color?

Did I ruin you?”

j.p

I think we needed to hear this

There’s things we cannot forgive that others have done to us

And Michael has things he can’t forgive himself for, and can’t accept that he’s a great person despite that

(He’s telling me that he’s not but that just isn’t true)

But in any case, it’s probably best to just let things sit for a while. To focus on getting through each day first. We barely have enough energy to take care of ourselves, let alone forgive.

-Emyr (he/it)

CALM AFTER THE STORM |BTS OT7 X READER| HYBRID AU (M)

{Chapter Eleven – Storm}

Pairing: OT7 BTS!HYBRID X FEM!HUMAN READER

Kim Namjoon: Black Mackenzie Valley Alpha wolf

Kim Soekjin: White Alpha Lion

Min Yoongi: White Alpha Jaguar

Jung Hosoek: Alpha Snow Leopard

Park Jimin: Alpha Albino Cobra

Kim Taehyung: Alpha White/ Bleached Tiger

Jeon Jungkook: Alpha Black Panther

Reader: Heaven Valentino Human

Status: Ongoing

RATED (M) FOR MATURE

words: 3.6K!

WARNING: EVENTUAL SMUT, BLOOD GORE, DETAILED GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION, ABUSE (ALL FORMS), PROFANITY, VIOLENCE, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, CHARACTER DEATH(MINOR), SADOMASOCHISM ACTS, MENTIONS OF BDSM, ETC...

CHAPTER WARNING: Mild angst, self-blame, accusations.

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MATERIALIST

Heaven's POV 

As I stood frozen in the room, my eyes widened at the sight of the abnormally large tiger that stood before me. Its sheer presence sent shivers down my spine, and I could feel my knees threatening to give out from under me in fear.

In that moment of shock, my mind raced at a thousand miles per hour, temporarily causing me to forget about the hybrids that I had in my care. It was only when a flicker of understanding crossed my thoughts that I remembered.

Hybrids.

One name surfaced in my mind—Taehyung.

I had known that hybrids, especially in their animal forms, possessed a larger stature compared to regular animals. However, I never anticipated encountering such a colossal being within the confines of my home.

The tiger, which I now realized was Taehyung, exuded a sense of calmness as he lounged on the ground, his massive form taking up a considerable amount of space in the room.

It struck me then that I had recently removed the chips that prevented the hybrids from shifting.

But they hadn't transformed before, so what triggered the change now?

As Taehyung shifted his gaze towards me, our eyes locked, and I could sense an unspoken communication passing between us.

Despite my best efforts to appear composed, the waves of fear coursing through me were undeniable. After all, who wouldn't be afraid when faced with a creature capable of ending a life with a single swipe of its paw?

With a reassurance that felt more for myself than for Taehyung, I mustered the courage to speak, my voice trembling slightly, "T-tae?"

To my surprise, Taehyung seemed to respond with a hint of recognition, emitting a soft chuff that echoed in the room.

It was a small gesture, but in that moment, it offered me a sliver of comfort amidst the overwhelming uncertainty of the situation.

As the tension lingered in the air, I couldn't shake off the surreal feeling of standing face to face with a being that was both magnificent and terrifying in equal measure.

The immense tiger before me was not just a creature of the wild; it was a reflection of the untamed essence that resided within the hybrids I had come to care for.

And in that moment, as I stood in the presence of Taehyung, I realized that the true test was not in overcoming my fear of the unknown, but in embracing the extraordinary bond that connected us, transcending the boundaries of fear and forging a connection that defied logic and reason.

As I muster up all the courage I can, I slowly take a step into the room, my heart pounding in my chest.

The sight that greets me almost makes me want to bolt out of there; the hybrid in front of me covers his head with his paws, whimpering softly. A pang of guilt surges through me - had my presence scared him?

Knowing the traumatic events these beings had endured, I mentally scold myself for not being more mindful of their feelings. I can't let my fear cause them more distress.

Before I can offer any words of comfort, the peace is shattered by the abrupt entrance of someone behind me. The voice that follows is filled with malice and anger, causing a shiver to run down my spine.

"Get out!" the voice commands, cutting through the tense air.

My eyes widen as I raise my gaze to meet Yoongi's intense stare. I can see the distrust in his eyes, the way he slightly averts his gaze from mine. 

"Yoon-" but I'm cut off, his next words hit me like a blow to the chest.

"No! Don't you dare say my name! The only reason I stayed quiet at the hospital was for Jungkook and Jimin's sake, but now I won't let you put my packmates in the same misery," Yoongi's words are laced with a mixture of anger and fear.

His accusations sting, and I struggle to find my voice amidst the whirlwind of emotions. Does he truly think I am capable of causing harm like those vile humans?

With a surge of determination, I step closer to Yoongi, my eyes pleading for understanding. I need to clear this misunderstanding, to assure him that I would never harm them.

"Yoongi, please, let's talk about this. I understand your fear, and I know it took me too long to find you, but I would never..." My voice trails off as a deep growl emanates from behind Yoongi, signaling another member of the pack - Taehyung.

The tension in the room is palpable, and I realize the magnitude of the situation I find myself in. Misunderstandings, fear, and past traumas intertwine in a delicate balance that hangs in the air, waiting to be resolved.

As the tension in the room escalated, the growl of the tiger hybrid reverberated, sending shivers down my spine.

The ferocity in Yoongi's gaze was unmistakable as he issued a stern warning, the intensity of his words cutting through the charged atmosphere.

"If you didn't get the hint the first time, let me spell it out for you. Get The Fuck Out," Yoongi's voice dripped with a lethal combination of authority and danger.

The gravity of the situation became even more palpable as Yoongi continued, his tone low and threatening, "Now, or else I won't be able to stop what Taehyung would do to you."

The mention of Taehyung, coupled with the ominous warning, sent a clear message that the consequences of overstaying my welcome would be dire.

I could sense the underlying tension and the unspoken implications in Yoongi's words, realizing that he was not bluffing. 

The weight of his words hung heavy in the air, and a sense of urgency gripped me as I processed the implied threat.

With a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I understood that the situation had escalated beyond my control.

Without hesitation, I made the swift decision to retreat, taking Yoongi's words as a final chance to extricate myself from a potentially dangerous predicament.

Turning on my heels, the sound of the door slamming shut behind me reverberated in the corridor, sealing off the tension-filled room and the unnerving confrontation I had just experienced.

In the dimly lit hall, my heart skipped a beat as I noticed Hoseok, Namjoon, and Jin standing in a somber silence, their eyes fixed on me.

I felt a wave of emotions rushing through me, threatening to break the calm facade I was desperately trying to maintain.

Jin's inscrutable expression added to the intensity of the moment. His unreadable face gave nothing away, but a subtle tick betrayed his true feelings before he turned away and retreated to his room, leaving me with a sense of unease and confusion.

Hoseok, usually the epitome of sunshine and warmth, cast me a glare that sent chills down my spine. The icy demeanor he wore was a stark contrast to his usual jovial self, leaving me reeling with the weight of his unspoken anger as he stormed off to his room, the tension palpable in the air.

A solitary tear escaped, tracing a path down my cheek as my world seemed to shatter around me.

Namjoon approached me, placing a comforting squeeze on my shoulder, a silent gesture of understanding that offered a sliver of solace in the midst of the storm of emotions.

Alone in the hallway, enveloped by the darkness that mirrored the turmoil in my mind, I was left grappling with a profound sense of loss and confusion.

The echoes of unspoken words and unshed tears reverberated within me, as I tried to make sense of the rift that had seemingly emerged out of nowhere, leaving me adrift in a sea of uncertainty.

Where had it all gone wrong? What had I missed, what had I overlooked? The weight of their silent gazes and unspoken words bore down on me, threatening to suffocate me in a suffocating embrace of despair.

As I stood there, a solitary figure in the darkness, I couldn't help but feel the crushing weight of my own inadequacies and shortcomings, the bitter taste of regret lingering on my tongue. 

The ghosts of unspoken apologies and unresolved conflicts haunted the corridors of my mind, leaving me lost in a maze of emotions that seemed impossible to navigate.

In that moment of quiet desperation, I found myself grappling with the harsh realities of fractured relationships and the fragility of human connections. 

The hall, once a place of familiarity and comfort, now felt foreign and alien, a stark reminder of the distance that had grown between us, tearing apart the fabric of our once-close bond.

And as I stood there, enveloped in the oppressive silence of the empty hallway, I realized that sometimes, the hardest battles we fight are the ones that rage within the confines of our own hearts and minds, the battle between acceptance and denial, between forgiveness and resentment, between holding on and letting go.

3rd Person's POV 

A week had slipped by since the once vibrant and cheerful ambiance within the household had been replaced by an unsettling tension that hung heavy in the air.

The hybrids within the house seemed to be actively avoiding any interactions with Heaven, creating an atmosphere fraught with silent animosity.

Heaven, though aware that their behavior was not a personal attack but rather a means of self-preservation for the hybrids, found it increasingly difficult to navigate through the palpable hostility.

Each time one of the hybrids brushed past her roughly in the corridors or made biting remarks, it felt like a physical blow to her emotions.

The younger hybrids, torn between their lingering affection for Heaven and their loyalty to their hyungs, found themselves in a state of inner conflict.

While they missed her gentle touches and warm smiles, the fear of betraying their hyungs kept them at a distance. 

Heaven's once comforting scent of lavender and baby powder now seemed to exude a different aura, adding to the sense of unease that permeated the household.

Among the hybrids, Jungkook appeared to be struggling the most, haunted by frequent nightmares that caused him to slip in and out of a state of vulnerability known as little space.

Jimin, on the other hand, grappled with traumatic memories of abuse during their abduction, recalling the harrowing experiences of violation and helplessness.

The remaining hybrids, while not subjected to the same degree of abuse as Jimin and Jungkook, still carried their own scars from the ordeal, contributing to the collective sense of trauma that lingered among them.

The weight of their shared past experiences seemed to cast a shadow over their present interactions, serving as a constant reminder of the horrors they had endured.

Despite their efforts to move forward and rebuild their lives, the specter of their past trauma loomed large, casting a long shadow over their attempts at healing and recovery.

Namjoon's pov 

As I lay on my bed, the weight of the mental chains pressing down on my wrists and ankles, memories of the horrors that my packmates and I endured flood my mind. The shadows of the past loom over me, casting a dark cloud over any semblance of peace.

Despite the fear and wariness that gnaw at me from within, I find solace in the fact that Heaven stands apart. She is the rare human who has treated us as equals, who has shown us kindness in a world that often seeks to oppress and divide.

Yet, my own insecurities threaten to drive a wedge between us. The walls I've built to protect myself inadvertently keep her at arm's length, a casualty of my own inner turmoil.

Navigating the delicate balance between my loyalty to my packmates and my yearning for connection with Heaven proves to be a Herculean task.

I strive to quell any hostility that might arise, especially from Yoongi, who bears the scars of past traumas more deeply than most.

I empathize with Yoongi's struggle to trust again, to let down the barriers that shield his heart from further pain. The fragile trust he had in Heaven shattered in the wake of our abduction, leaving behind a fractured bond that seems irreparable.

The desire to seek comfort in Heaven's embrace is a siren song that beckons me, yet the fear of betraying my brothers holds me back.

The choice between personal longing and allegiance to my pack weighs heavily on my mind, a burden that grows heavier with each passing moment.

As I grapple with these conflicting emotions, I know that healing will take time. Rebuilding the bridges that were burned, restoring the fractured trust among us, it all feels like an uphill battle.

I can only hope that, in time, we will find our way back to each other, back to the warmth and understanding that Heaven once offered.

Will she forgive us? our misgivings, our reluctance to embrace the connection we once shared? Or will the wounds of the past prove too deep to heal, driving a permanent wedge between us?

The uncertainty of the path ahead looms large, casting a shadow over my already troubled soul.

Only time will tell if we are able to mend what was broken, to find our way back to the light that once illuminated our bond with Heaven.

Heaven's POV 

After finishing a phone call with my brothers, who were concerned about the boys, I decided to ask them to postpone their visit.

I didn't disclose to them that the boys, for some reason, were avoiding me. I didn't want to burden my brothers with unnecessary worry or make a bigger deal out of the situation than necessary.

I felt the need to handle this issue on my own.

Feeling a mix of emotions, I was about to head into the bathroom for a shower when I heard a knock on my bedroom door. 

Startled by the sound, I couldn't recall the last time someone knocked on my door. Hopeful that it might be one of the boys, my heart quickened as I hurriedly made my way to answer the door.

Practicing to maintain a neutral expression, I finally opened the door and was taken aback to see Jungkook standing there, looking visibly nervous. 

"Jungkook?" I called out softly, my confusion evident on my face.

Considering that the older hybrids had been keeping the young ones away from me, I was surprised to find him standing outside my door.

Given that our bedrooms were in the same hall, it seemed risky for him to be there, potentially leading to misunderstandings with his hyungs.

"What are you doing here?" I inquired, trying to make sense of the unexpected visit.

Jungkook, appearing bashful, fidgeted with his fingers before responding, "Noo-Heaven... I-I-I came to get m-my h-hoodie." 

Despite his stutter, I managed an understanding "Oh" in response, unsure of what prompted this sudden interaction.

It was a dark and dreadful day when the boys got kidnapped. 

The memory of that horrific day still haunted me, the pain and fear still raw in my heart.

In the midst of the chaos and uncertainty, I found solace in the simple act of holding onto their hoodies.

It was a strange comfort, but their familiar scents made me feel closer to them, as if they were still by my side.

"Would you like to come in and wait while I go fetch your hoodie or do you want to wait here?" I asked softly.

"N-no, I'll stay here" he mumbled softly. I almost didn't hear him.

His hesitant response spoke volumes. I could sense the weight of his emotions, the unspoken grief that we both carried in our hearts.

Retrieving the hoodie from my closet, memories flooded my mind - memories of happier times, of laughter and camaraderie that now felt like a distant dream.

Each hoodie held a different story, a different piece of their personalities. Jungkook's hoodie, with its oversized fit and dark color palette, was a reflection of his strong and enigmatic persona.

I remembered how he would jokingly complain about my fashion choices, but secretly appreciated the effort I made to match his style.

Handing him the hoodie, I was taken aback by his swift reaction, as he mumbled a quick thankyou.

The sight of him retreating to one of his packmates rooms', clutching the hoodie to his chest, stirred a whirlwind of emotions within me.

Alone in my room, I tried to compose myself, to push back the tide of tears threatening to overwhelm me.

The ache in my chest was unbearable, a constant reminder of the gaping hole left by their absence.

Taking refuge in the familiarity of routine, I sought solace in the simple act of taking a shower, letting the steady stream of water wash away the physical and emotional residue of the day.

As I stood under the warm cascade, the echoes of their laughter and voices lingered in the air, a bittersweet reminder of what once was.

The weight of grief bore down on me, threatening to suffocate the flicker of hope that still burned within my heart.

But I knew that I had to stay strong, to weather this storm of emotions and emerge stronger on the other side.

Yoongi's POV

When Jungkook entered the room, the familiar scent of Heaven lingered around him, emanating from the hoodie he wore - the same one that had "mysteriously" gone missing and ended up in her possession.

It was no secret among the group that Heaven had collected each one of our hoodies, yet Jungkook didn't seem to mind as he buried his face in the fabric, savoring the essence of her presence.

Despite his attempts to appear nonchalant, I could sense the longing in his eyes, a silent yearning for her company that he tried to mask.

Witnessing the genuine joy on the face of the panther hybrid, I found it difficult to reprimand him for indulging in the scent filled hoodie, so I chose to silently observe, allowing him to bask in the fleeting happiness it brought him.

Reflecting on the tension that had arisen among the group due to Heaven's presence and the unspoken reasons behind their avoidance, a pang of guilt briefly tugged at my conscience.

However, the memories of my past experiences and the trauma endured by my packmates served as a stark reminder of the importance of safeguarding their well-being at all costs.

Recalling the hardships we had overcome together and the bonds forged through shared trials, I was resolute in my determination to shield them from any potential harm or distress, vowing never to allow them to suffer as we once had.

Although the situation may have strained our relationships and tested our trust, I took solace in the knowledge that my actions were guided by a desire to protect those closest to me, even if it meant making difficult decisions and bearing the weight of their consequences.

As Jungkook lost himself in the memories that enveloped him within the comforting embrace of Heaven's scent, I silently vowed to uphold my commitment to safeguarding the pack, drawing strength from the resilience we had shown in the face of adversity and the unwavering bonds that bound us together.

As I lazily sat on my cozy bed, the soft hum of the TV filling the room, I couldn't shake off the restlessness creeping under my skin. Boredom was like a persistent itch I just couldn't scratch away.

With a huff, I pushed myself off the bed and decided to head downstairs in search of some snacks to cure my growing hunger.

Before I left my room, I turned to Jungkook, who seemed lost in his own world, enveloped in the comforting scent of his hoodie.

"Hey kook, I'm going downstairs to get some snacks, do you want anything?" I asked him, not really expecting a coherent response.

He merely shook his head, his gaze distant and unfocused, and I shrugged before making my way downstairs.

The early evening sunlight was slowly fading, casting a warm glow throughout the house as I made my way towards the kitchen.

However, my plans were halted when I spotted Heaven standing there, looking utterly lost and defeated.

I almost turned back, not wanting to get involved in whatever mess she had found herself in this time.

But her words, filled with self-criticism and disappointment, made me pause in my tracks.

"Stupid Heaven, stupid. You can't do things right anymore!" Her voice was filled with frustration and self-blame, tugging at my heartstrings despite my best efforts to remain indifferent.

"First you fail your hybrids, and now you fail to follow a simple cookie recipe, dar! Yoongi loves tangerines, and I messed this up." Her tone was laced with sadness and regret as she continued to reprimand herself.

I froze at the mention of my name. How did she know about my fondness for tangerines? Was she attempting to make them for me?

The realization hit me, making my defenses momentarily falter as a wave of unexpected emotions washed over me.

Before I could dwell on these fleeting feelings, I felt a surge of anger rising within me.

I hastily made my way back upstairs, desperate to avoid confronting the complex emotions that Heaven's actions had stirred within me.

The internal turmoil left a bitter taste in my mouth as I grudgingly acknowledged that my feelings towards Heaven were far more complicated than mere irritation or indifference.

Fuck!

I don't like where this is heading at all.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

Hey there my sweetpeas! 🌸🌿

I hope you're all doing well and enjoying the latest update in our little story world here. I know I haven't been as consistent with updates lately, and for that, I'm really sorry.

Life's been throwing me some curveballs, but rest assured, I haven't forgotten about any of you.

And also what do you think about my new writing styles? I'm trying to add in as much detail and spice as possible for you guys.

Tell me what you think! 👆🏾

You're always on my mind, constantly inspiring me to keep writing and sharing this journey with you all. 

So, about this chapter... I know, it was a bit of a downer, wasn't it?

I promise, things are going to turn around soon. Hang in there with me, we'll get through this together, I promise!

And speaking of that certain character who may or may not have caused some heartache in the story - *cough* Yoongi *cough* - let's not throw too much hate his way, okay?

Sure, he might be acting like a bit of a... well, you know, but hey, characters have their flaws too, right? Let's see where his journey takes him, shall we? 🤔

I know I sound like I'm making excuses for him, but trust me, there's more to it than meets the eye.

And hey, that's the beauty of storytelling, right? Exploring the depths of our characters and seeing them grow and change. It might be a bumpy ride, but I promise it'll be worth it in the end.

Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed the latest chapter, even with its twists and turns.

Remember, your support means the world to me, so if you loved it, don't forget to vote and leave a comment! Your feedback keeps me going and helps me shape the story in ways I couldn't even imagine.

Thank you all for being such amazing readers and sticking with me through thick and thin. Your love and support are what fuel my creativity and push me to keep writing, even when the going gets tough.

Sending you all a big virtual hug and a million thank yous for being the best readers a writer could ask for! Muah! 💋✨

Take care, my lovelies, and have an absolutely fabulous day ahead. Keep spreading that positivity and light wherever you go. And remember, I'll be back soon with more story updates and surprises in store!

Also let me know if you would like me to do a "Get to know you" I've never really done those before so please, feel free to send or ask me questions about what you would like to know about me.

Until next time,

Your eccentric and favorite Author-nim, always here to bring a little magic into your day. 😉😁💫

TAGLIST OPEN!

TAGLIST: @strxwbloody, @strawblueberrys, @taetaeheart22, @canarystwin, @drenix004, @ghostlyworld, @loumin908, @rinkud, @nikkiordonez12, @taekritimin123, //@mnguyeeen7(still can't tag you) @danielle143, @welcometomyworld13, @avadakadabra93

Just a piece of vent art cause I’ve been feeling like absolute shit 

Note I can’t draw hands, I’m trying I really am :(

You know? Today I woke up and decided angst. So I present to you the barest outlines of a songfic for the song It Took Me By Surprise, but instead of Bakugo's viewpoint being the song, it's Izuku's.

Warning: Victim Blaming Themself/Self Blame

_readmore_

I would react badly

To the slightest hint of hesitance

("Hey do you want to play heroes today?" Izuku asked, eyes flitting to Bakugo. Bakugo frowns, contemplating. "It's okay if you don't want to, really, we can play tag or hide and seek or pillow forts or-")

(Izuku as a kid going back on his words if Bakugo waits too long to answer, because of his insecurity and empathy. Think after Bakugo got his quirk but before Izuku got his diagnosis)

He'd bend awkwardly to suit my mood

No word from his defense

("Shut up! Of course I want to play heroes! Stupid Deku". Bakugo stood up, stomping over to the playground. "Are you coming or not?!")

(He feels as though Bakugo only chose the first one because he felt obligated to because that is what Izuku would do)

I'd cry knowing how my tears

Felt like acid burning through his skin

("Stop crying, stupid nerd! It's just a scrape. You'll be fine!" Bakugo leans down, eyebrows furrowed, and holds out a hand. "We're going to be heroes and heroes don't cry about getting injured. Come on!" After Izuku gets up and starts following Bakugo again, Bakugo's shoulders untense and his eyebrows relax.)

(He believes that it is his fault for not holding back his tears because he knows it hurts Bakugo to see him cry)

Pushed every little button

But the right one that would let me in

(Blames himself for not being able to react/read Bakugo’s feelings correctly)

Now he's afraid of me

Now he's afraid of me

(Bakugo pushes him away and his attempts to help because Bakugo is afraid to need help, to been seen as weak)

It took me by surprise

The hatred in his eyes

(Izuku remembering the first time Bakugo said he hated him, and meant it)

I've pushed this man as far as he could go

But he lacked the words to let me know

(Bakugo being too mad to gets his thoughts out You-You- You motherfu! I’m not- I’m not weak! Leave me alone!)

He acted out, now I can see it is my fault

(Izuku being pushed to the ground by Bakugo)

I made changes

That went unnoticed

Sang songs for deaf ears

(Izuku apologizing, Izuku getting out of the way, Izuku leaving him alone, Izuku changing his favorite things so Bakugo wouldn’t feel copied))

He mistook my silence for punishment

(Bakugo thinking that Izuku is doing this because he thinks Izuku looks down on him)

As it had been all these years

(Bakugo showing a consistent belief in this as they grow up)

I'd cry knowingly how my tears felt like acid burning through his skin

(Izuku crying even though he thinks himself weak for doing it because he knows it bothers Bakugo and then later he knows that Bakugo gets mad when he cried)

Now he's afraid of me

Now he's afraid of me

(Izuku knows that Bakugo sees him as a threat, even if he doesn’t know why)

It took me by surprise

The hatred in his eyes

(Izuku remembering Bakugo’s hatred during the U.A. finals/ first battle)

I've pushed this man as far as he could go

But he lacked the words to let me know

He acted out, now I can see it is my fault

(Izuku feeling as though his question in the Finals was a push too far, and that Bakugo only punched him because he could not articulate how he felt. Him feeling responsible for Bakugo’s actions in the rest of the finals)