My Things - Tumblr Posts
Yesterday
I saw a lawyer this week as he has been hoarding some things that are mine and he agreed to give me. There’s some money involved.
We had a separation agreement that I absolutely signed under duress. If I signed, he would work toward taking me back and my money wouldn’t be wasted. If I did not, he would sell the house for next to nothing, give me as little as he could (nothing if possible), ruin my reputation and disappear. Keep in mind this was at the beginning when I was inconsolable with guilt after what he’d caught me doing.
So he got everything. However we made an agreement on a few items, the ones he’s currently holding hostage.
The lawyer estimates my fight to cost thousands in legal and court fees - likely more than the value of the things. She also thinks my claim for the stuff is shaky at best in terms of the law as well. So I could spend a whole lot of money and still not have them in the end.
In short, I’m fucked.
I saw him ride by on his bike just now as I was out for a walk. I am confident he didn't see me.
There was a woman on the back.
Rage surged. Not because there's a girl, but because she's wearing my helmet.
One of the things that he has of mine is a cream and sugar set my parents got as a wedding present.
I'm so angry about it right now I can't sleep.
We’ve hit Anger, for now
A few years ago, my friend’s city had to be evacuated due to a wildfire. Pictures from the evacuation process look exactly what I (an atheist, and admittedly not a theology expert) picture Hell to look like. It is pure terror.
Once my friend was able to return to her residence she found that it had burned to the ground. She and her partner had lost everything.
I remember her telling me the frustration she felt trying to talk about it. She heard a lot of “but at least you’re ok, it could have been so much worse!” My experience is different than her’s, but I understand her now much more than I did then.
I am Angry. Yep, Capital A.
When I actually sat down and looked at the numbers, I handed him 6 figures. I got years of therapy and the prospect of never being right again nothing.
When I think about how I’m killing myself to pay off debt that I got into to appease him, and scraping pennies together to try to get myself even half way to where I was with him, yeah, I get Angry.
I am angry for the life he stole from me.
I’m furious he’s sitting in MY home, with MY bed and MY furniture, and gifts MY family got us, with MY money lining his bank accounts and MY trinkets and heirlooms that have no real value in this world aside from the memories and connections they have to me lining his shelves and cupboards.
I have tried to talk about this, and very well meaning people, tell me “It’s a small price to pay.” “You’re lucky you got out.” “It could be so much worse.”
Listen, no one feels my mortality or how “so much worse” it could have been more than me. You weren’t there when he was threatening me with kitchen knives, putting pillows over my face, smashing my head against walls, pushing me down stairs, or threatening me with tools.
You weren’t there. I was. I know. I get the fucking flashbacks that remind me any time I’m feeling too comfortable. Do you really think the other stuff is “a small price to pay?” You have no idea.
I know, they mean well, and they’re trying to make me feel better, but they aren’t. They’re trivializing my loss, and making me feel as though I should feel guilty for being angry.
I’m entitled to my rage; I will take it and let it wash over me.
Ghosts
Driving in our his neighbourhood this evening. That tightness in my chest returned. I held my breath when I drove past our his road.
The neighbourhood is haunted. Cursed.
A List of Things That I Have Learned
- Everyone struggles sooner or later because everyone has people and things to lose.
- It’s important to cry—the longer you hold onto it, the more it’ll hurt.
- Many people will come and go, and not that many stay. You can’t always choose the size of the piece of you they take with them, but that’s not a bad thing.
- You are not the same person that you were, and you will not continue to be who you are forever.
- Finishing things is important. It’s okay to put them aside for a time, but you must remember to pick it back up when you’re ready, even if you aren’t ready for a long time.
- Comparing yourself to others gets you nowhere except down.
- Love is not just one thing.
- Despite how much you want to forget the tragedies, they are important. It is important to move on, but it is just as important to know the past. Knowing the past and living in it are two different things.
- Everyone experiences things differently.
Will I ever like a man, and will he hypothetically like me back? Thoughts of asexuality and the realities of social deficit are preventing my ability to marry young.
Mycelial Sanctuary (Sept 2024)
I recently finished my Master's in fine art and this is the outcome. About 6 months of research and experimentation on this piece alone. Each piece is inspired by small attributes from many different types of fungi. I will do Posts about each piece individually.
Lots more info on my Instagram if you're curious.
I've also updated my website finally.
𝚆𝚑𝚘 𝚎𝚕𝚜𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚘𝚊𝚝𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚋𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚔𝚏𝚊𝚜𝚝?😋
𝚃𝚘𝚍𝚊𝚢’𝚜 𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗: 𝙳𝚊𝚛𝚔 𝙲𝚑𝚘𝚌𝚘𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚘𝚊𝚝𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚘𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚑 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚠𝚋𝚎𝚛𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜, 𝚋𝚊𝚗𝚊𝚗𝚊, 𝚌𝚘𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚕𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 & 𝚌𝚘𝚌𝚘𝚊 𝚗𝚒𝚋𝚜 😍😍
square child doing square things
(also last piece this year yay)
STU episode cover art no text ver. below
"i just want to hold them! nothing else..."
Nuber
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