Old Me - Tumblr Posts
I had a terrible dream.
I let a man have me on the curb outside a store in broad daylight. There were people around. I was trying to get off while not getting much enjoyment. He left me on the ground after he finished like a piece of garbage, but waved goodbye.
The guilt sunk in. How was I going to tell my woman about this?
In some ways, I knew that feeling. At times when I was unfaithful to him and I uncompartmentalized for a second I would feel uncomfortable, a tightness in my gut, something with a tinge of guilt but mostly just shame.
This was that, with far more guilt than I could take. My woman is so supportive, so good to me; I only want for her to feel happy and loved always. And here I was slipping back into the worst parts of me and disgracing us both.
Unlike when I was with him and continually taking the easy way out, I had made the decision within the dream to come clean to her and accept the consequences. Every part of me felt sick.
Despite the fantastical details (like somehow dodging an indecency charge), I had to reassure myself as I awoke that I didn't actually do such a horrible thing. It felt too much like the old me.
I feel the urge to confess something, so I'm going to tell her about the dream.
My subconscious is an asshole.
I'm just not that well recently. I'm tired of not having someone else while everyone around me says "you should appreciate your own company" like I even had any other option. People say I'm undatable because of my "personality" yet I never dated before being who I am right now. Saying it just shows people don't know shit about me and they have no interest in learning my point of view, yet I'm supposed to always be understanding with them. I'm so tired and angry. During my whole life I heard I'm weak/fragile/clueless/sensitive/retard/emotive/blunt/unfiltered/clumsy/clunky/inattentive and a fucking ton of other words even if I was at my absolute best, yet I can't even complain about my condition because I'm supposed to always be doing something and being available to people. I can't even grasp the right words to properly explain how much I hate all of them
I'm tired of having to cope with videogames like LoL: WR or Minecraft in an attempt to fulfill this fucking emotional hole. I appreciate the few friends I have and every moment we have, don't get me wrong. It's just not the same thing as a romantic relationship and I'm tired of people saying it's the case. Honestly, fuck you and I hate you deeply. People always say we should aim for the best and women love specifying the kind of men they wish, yet I can't even THINK about having someone who cares about me romantically without people saying I'm feeling entitled. Go fuck yourself you and your double standards.
Also fuck you dad, you're not even man enough to admit your own mistakes. You're everything I always hated and you can't even pretend to care. My mom also has her responsibility with my traumas but she's able to properly deal with what she did while you're nothing more than a pussy who doesn't know what accountability mean
Y'know what? I'll put my phone on the charger while I listen to some music on my tv
When my friends randomly air drop THE MOST UGLIEST HORRENDOUS PHOTO OF ME FROM 4 YEARS AGO
😞😞🙁🙁
The person you miss seems to be a made up version in your head after all.
- 191229 / @howisitallinmyhead