I Had A Terrible Dream.

I had a terrible dream.

I let a man have me on the curb outside a store in broad daylight. There were people around. I was trying to get off while not getting much enjoyment. He left me on the ground after he finished like a piece of garbage, but waved goodbye.

The guilt sunk in. How was I going to tell my woman about this?

In some ways, I knew that feeling. At times when I was unfaithful to him and I uncompartmentalized for a second I would feel uncomfortable, a tightness in my gut, something with a tinge of guilt but mostly just shame.

This was that, with far more guilt than I could take. My woman is so supportive, so good to me; I only want for her to feel happy and loved always. And here I was slipping back into the worst parts of me and disgracing us both.

Unlike when I was with him and continually taking the easy way out, I had made the decision within the dream to come clean to her and accept the consequences. Every part of me felt sick.

Despite the fantastical details (like somehow dodging an indecency charge), I had to reassure myself as I awoke that I didn't actually do such a horrible thing. It felt too much like the old me.

I feel the urge to confess something, so I'm going to tell her about the dream.

My subconscious is an asshole.

I had a flashback in the shower last night. I was able to tell her calmly that it was happening and she held me for a bit which seemed to help.

It was really manageable. Can't say they'll all be like that, but I call that progress.

Word to the wise

I just watched I, Tonya this morning.

If you're a survivor of domestic violence or violence at the hands of your parents and you're still a bit triggery, I'd recommend not watching I, Tonya.

My woman is worried about me. Apparently I've slipped down into another hole. That's unusual for the summer months. But here we are.

I have to wonder where I would be if he hadn't wrecked havoc on me physically and mentally. I wonder how much of my brain scramble was mine to begin with

My city is on the water. I took for granted my unfettered access to the waterfront until somewhat recently.

I spent a lot of time here last year. I read something about how animals "rest, and go to the water" when they are in pain or trying to heal. Typically I don't buy into pop culture renditions of 'self care', but I was desperate to feel anything other than the crushing sense of emptiness.

All silliness aside, I did a lot of healing here. The water was soothing and peaceful. My walks helped clear my head and focus on something other than my self loathing.

I learned to feel ok with my own company. Found a little joy in the world around me, and began to appreciate aspects of my city.

I went on one of those walks today and the weather was just perfect. I feel lighter than i did last year.

A lot has changed.

This is lowkey really cute