Turn Off My Brain - Tumblr Posts

Now, what I would do? I have to finish the draft for "The Bad Ending", Finish the draft for "Saphire Hearted" new chapter, Finish the draft of "The Emmerich's curse" new chapter and I'm struggling to not write the Idol/Producer Au...

and then I think...

Why I could bother myself writing another fic, if no one reads me?

If people doesn't like ocxcanon.

then, I think that I made that things for me, for my happiness... but having people for sharing this happiness is also a nice thing...

sometimes I feel like I have to turn off my mind for a while...

I think I’ll take a break from thinking for a while.

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Random thoughts lately:

I used to live my life assuming my mom’s started the day she had me. It was so hard to imagine her as a person, just like myself, with hopes and dreams and failures and a whole other life.

I glad I have the opportunity to know her now.

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It’s funny how we continue to discover new versions of ourselves. I’m having a hard time letting the old version of me go. I feel like I’m wearing shoes that don’t fit quite right…at least not yet. I’ll have to break them in.

I think it’s so easy to stay stuck in an idea of who we are or who we are meant to be. Who I was at 20 is not who I am today at 30 and I sure hope it will not be who I am at 40. I want life to change me.

I will wear the scars of my life on my body and in my heart to show that I am a warrior.

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I wish I could feel things less. I wish I didn’t think so much. I wish I didn’t constantly seek the deeper meaning.

When I feel numb, I feel empty.

When I feel sad, I am devastated.

When I feel happy, I am euphoric.

I’m not tired, I’m exhausted.

Maybe I need to go re-read that BPD criteria again.

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I do not fear my vulnerabilities. I’m not pretending - what you see is who you get. I’ve been told this makes me appear confident……which just makes me laugh.

The only person who gives power to your fears is you.

I am not giving mine any power today.

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Random brain dump:

I am not great at school. Mostly because I struggle with consistency. In like…every aspect of my life. I’m smart, I test quickly & well. But I have a hard time staying focused, I get distracted & my sense of time is so warped. I think I walk around half disassociated all the time.

Also like…school is such a TASK *yawn*

So yes, I have ADHD.

I have been on a stimulant medication now for a few months At first, it turned the 10 channels in my head down to 2. The noise got quiet. It was amazing.

Now I think I’ve adjusted. I’m struggling again. I feel like I’m going crazy and have dementia at 30.

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I really wanted to impress my final teacher. And well, I don’t think I did. She’s tough.

Today though, she told me that I’ve really pulled it together the last few weeks with my focus and being present. She knows I care and is proud of me.

This is going to sound terrible but because I already feel insecure about her “liking” me, I don’t feel like this was genuine. I am having trouble accepting it.

^ there’s my bitchy little twit (BLT) of a trauma voice trying to convince me I suck.

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The pendulum swings between extremes before it reaches equilibrium. I’ve swung from a severe people pleaser to speaking my mind completely, anyone be damned.

Erm….it’s made a couple of things awkward. So like let’s hurry up and find my new comfort level with this.

I realized lately that while I may be all like “let me look deep into myself and come to terms with/embrace all of my shame and wear it proudly because that takes away its power to control me blah blah”- not everyone is there yet.

Whether they want to get there or not, how they get there, etc….none of my business.

I try really hard to stay in my own lane and worry about myself mostly. But it’s hard because I still feel the claws of my BLT trying to pull me back into the land of insecure misery lol

Sometimes I pretend I’m actually just an actor in a lifelong biopic and actually, it does help. Because then I realize how ludicrous almost everything is.

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My moral alignment is chaotic neutral and I feel like it really defines me and I’m not ashamed of it.

Having a solid sense of understanding and identity is my #1 priority right now.

Idk ya’ll. I think I may like myself. Uh oh…shit. I might get all healed and take over the world!!!!! Watch out

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A friend told me recently how he could see how I could be extremely easy to love but incredibly hard to deal with.

I was dying to ask for him to explain exactly what they meant and how/why he thinks this. Hi, I’m insecure.

But I held my tongue. Unsure as to why. Sense of pride or protection? I find myself holding in my thoughts much more frequently these days.

I guess subconsciously, I am more selective now about who I share myself with.

People are exhausting and honestly? I have worked/am working really hard to improve myself.

I will no longer give away pieces of myself with no regard or care.

Not sure what to make of it. I mean, he’s probably right. I can be a lot. Sometimes I swear I disassociate and I watch a version of me running full speed until my batteries run out

And all the while I’m banging on the glass like “Stop!!!!!!”

My brain hurts often.

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I will try to stay positive and breathe through the tough moments.

Made it through Day 1. Again.