Tw Bad Grammar - Tumblr Posts
uhm I dunno wut to put here…heds up this is gunna b a long post (I think…I’m jus gunna write as I go along like word vomit ig) So I wus messagin a few ppl n…2 of them blocked me for bein a boy, another wus sayin that the way i explane my grammar n chronic sexual atententon need so here we go ig…I was raped by my daddy (yes, I will use that word cus he is still in my life n I canot physicaly use the term “father” or I start 2 cry) ever since I was 10…or 6…I can’t rember I know I wus young and looked like my mother…she never beleved me, he used 2 make me sit on his lap, wen I cride it felt like no one wus there…he stopped ever since I wus fifteen but, now it feels like no one wants me I relied on my body for pleasure for so long n now no one wants it…not even my daddy anymor…so I’m srry if I reply slow or if I’m into crazy things like rape or incest or if I’m too clingy, needy, a nympho or fag or sex addict but I need attention plz…can someone help me feel loved? I need a new daddy…
I just wanna preface that therapists* are thoughtful and very helpful, I have changed therapists from a youth therapist and a behavioral therapist, I saw my youth therapist for the last time a few days ago (my “Mental health day”) and today I saw a my new one, her name was Chloe (already off to a bad start because my babysitter 1/2 of my rapists was named Chloe, not the same person though) my youth babysitter was a dude though so I was already pretty nervous that I had to share the origins of my episodes with a new person much less a thirty something year old girl. When I told him about my father (2/2 of my rapists) she looked confused and said, “Not to offend you but, I feel like you’re father would have rather raped your sister rather than you.” (this is when I started getting suspicious) I said no and explained how my sister was less than five years old when I was thirteen (I was thirteen when my father started) and that he was a pervert but not perverted enough to fuck a toddler, she wrote something down (Fucked if I know what it was) and about a half hour later (I paid for a full day/3 hours) I was telling her about my babysitter and how she would tie me to the bed and force herself on me…and this bitch said “Well you know women cant rape men right?” And pulled out the “if it gets hard that means that you secretly wanted it” I wanted to cry, but I somehow didn’t and I ignored her and continued for another hour, I told her how my social skills and behavior had physically reverted back to an adolescent state (Adolescent as in 13-16 years not like a ten year old) and she decided that she was done and just simply said “I don’t deal with people diagnosed with “age regression” they’re all just pedos” I started to cry, a lot to the point that another therapist from the room over decided to come in, I ran to my car and sat there for a few minutes before deciding to drive home, not to my dorm, but to my mom’s house in New Mexico, my dorm is in Fort Collins in Colorado at CSU. and I just got back, no surprise I’m not going to another therapist any time soon. 💜
Hey, It’s Mochi here, I want to say thank you to everyone who actually saw my ‘help’ and not porn related posts, and to the two people who liked my poem… If you read it you would’ve seen a very clear message of something I had been planning since I was around twelve. Some details, I’m half Mexican, I’m bisexual and a boy, I’m 19 and a rape victim of two separate people, my dad and my babysitter. Actually three after yesterday (July 15). This is obviously a rant. I’m gonna be honest, I can barely afford my dorm right now and the money left goes to my stepdad and mom for “Bills” bullshit btw, they live in a four bedroom three bathroom house that’s bigger than the entire east dorm building of my collage, and always buy name brands and luxury shit like jewelry or TVs but then get mad at me when I stay longer than a few hours when I visit. My older sister Lily however lives with them rent and job free, keep in mind I’m 19 and she’s twenty three, I make peanuts at my job which I got fired from because my mom told my boss about my “mara ju wanna problem” (Yes that’s how she says it) Which was actually medicinal for my epilepsy… so I failed the piss test, tried reasoning with the manager and failed. Rent is due in about 13 days give or take, which to give you an idea is 630$ if you pay on time but somehow the website to pay it is always “under maintenance” on the due dates so with the late fee I pay around 700$ guess what I have in my bank acc…$273.47 no I’m not starting a fucking go fund me or anything, I’m not white enough for that pity shit, speaking of which, hi I’m half Mexican, but I’m still about as white as provolone cheese. Which makes it worse because my mom refuses to teach me Spanish even though she’s fluent, somehow “forgot” to get me registered when we entered so guess who’s the only one in the family with a green card instead of citizenship papers… Can’t hang out with white ppl because they confuse the fuck me with their weird fucking travel mugs, makeup and other bullshit, can’t hang with the Mexican chicks cus I’m too much of a fag, can’t hang with the white guys because guess the reason (Hint, it’s because I’m a fag) can’t mess with the Mexican dudes because… want another fucking hint why? It’s the same reason as before. There’s no fucking halfy’s at my college at least. I play in a band… guitar, bass, drums, you name it I play it, because I was forced to by my stepdad until my fingers all started bleeding. Guess who was kicked out… go on… guess… apparently after five fucking years of being the lead singer and being openly bi I was suddenly “too gay” so they took my best friend instead and they all fucking left me to go to cali, goin to cali was my idea mind you. p1, p2 should be right under