Tw Sui Implied - Tumblr Posts
My Average Contradicting Morning
My inner thoughts
TW: Cursing
Me
TW: Suicidal mentions
Yay for once I’m not tired! Here comes the migraine Hey I got up early today! Go back to bed, everyone will think you’re fake sleeping if you get up now. Hey, I’m gonna work really, really hard today! You’re still only making three hundred bucks per month. I have spending money! It’s not even enough to rent the dorm, you’re still short a hundred from last month…But I tried really hard and that’s all that matters! No one cares, you’re not the only one in the rat race. I should see some friends! The same ones you flirted with because you like him and he doesn’t like you? No, my best friend! The one you cursed out because she said your problems were getting out of hand? I…uhm…maybe I should just go to the mall…You look like skin and bones, you anorexic fuck. Right, maybe I should stay home…You lazy idiot, do something with your life. I should see my therapist…The one who left you or the one who made you cry like a bitch two weeks ago? I should buy a rope…Good idea, but the store’s out of the medium thickness ones, it’ll either break or you’ll fall through the loop. I have some…The ceiling of the dorm won’t hold more than fifty pounds genius. W-Where’s the knife..? You forgot to sharpen it, you couldn’t break skin if you wanted to, you worthless little bitch. Then I’ll buy a sharpener…You can’t, the store only has the shitty ones that don’t work, not that you know the difference between “Course” and “Fine” anyway. I should see Daddy at the prison…The same one who raped you and made you like this? I’m gonna go see Mamá…The one who speaks Spanish but won’t teach you and still doesn’t even accept that you’re a faggot? I…I th-think I’m just gonna sleep…Good idea.
Hey, It’s Mochi here, I want to say thank you to everyone who actually saw my ‘help’ and not porn related posts, and to the two people who liked my poem… If you read it you would’ve seen a very clear message of something I had been planning since I was around twelve. Some details, I’m half Mexican, I’m bisexual and a boy, I’m 19 and a rape victim of two separate people, my dad and my babysitter. Actually three after yesterday (July 15). This is obviously a rant. I’m gonna be honest, I can barely afford my dorm right now and the money left goes to my stepdad and mom for “Bills” bullshit btw, they live in a four bedroom three bathroom house that’s bigger than the entire east dorm building of my collage, and always buy name brands and luxury shit like jewelry or TVs but then get mad at me when I stay longer than a few hours when I visit. My older sister Lily however lives with them rent and job free, keep in mind I’m 19 and she’s twenty three, I make peanuts at my job which I got fired from because my mom told my boss about my “mara ju wanna problem” (Yes that’s how she says it) Which was actually medicinal for my epilepsy… so I failed the piss test, tried reasoning with the manager and failed. Rent is due in about 13 days give or take, which to give you an idea is 630$ if you pay on time but somehow the website to pay it is always “under maintenance” on the due dates so with the late fee I pay around 700$ guess what I have in my bank acc…$273.47 no I’m not starting a fucking go fund me or anything, I’m not white enough for that pity shit, speaking of which, hi I’m half Mexican, but I’m still about as white as provolone cheese. Which makes it worse because my mom refuses to teach me Spanish even though she’s fluent, somehow “forgot” to get me registered when we entered so guess who’s the only one in the family with a green card instead of citizenship papers… Can’t hang out with white ppl because they confuse the fuck me with their weird fucking travel mugs, makeup and other bullshit, can’t hang with the Mexican chicks cus I’m too much of a fag, can’t hang with the white guys because guess the reason (Hint, it’s because I’m a fag) can’t mess with the Mexican dudes because… want another fucking hint why? It’s the same reason as before. There’s no fucking halfy’s at my college at least. I play in a band… guitar, bass, drums, you name it I play it, because I was forced to by my stepdad until my fingers all started bleeding. Guess who was kicked out… go on… guess… apparently after five fucking years of being the lead singer and being openly bi I was suddenly “too gay” so they took my best friend instead and they all fucking left me to go to cali, goin to cali was my idea mind you. p1, p2 should be right under
haii :3
rotting but living xP !!
i feel like it’s so basic and cringe when people say they h8 life or wanna d!3. i mean. i say it all the time and i always feel grossed out when i say it. i believe we should just be bluntly specific about how we wanna d!3. it’s more fun :P !!!!
get creative ;3 ! ! !
me after typing this out hehe
telling me to km$ actually makes me excited
i either need to be brutally st@bbed to d3@th, or i just need to be fu€ked til i can’t walk no more.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Fear, Part II
Is there a reason
You feel so alone
With all these people
Surrounding you?
The sun is shining
And the birds are out
Summer air against your skin
But it’s still winter inside.
You’re locked in a cage
Made up of your mind
The monsters are out
And they won’t rest.
Put on a smile
Don’t let them see
How many cracks
You have burning inside.
You can take another day
And your lungs will keep on moving
So focus on happy thoughts
And you’ll be fine.
But now the winter air is biting deep
And it’s getting hard to breathe
Through all this falling snow
And the beasts hunting you.
You’re pounding against the bars
In this cage you’ve made in your brain
But the howling wind and the blanket of snow
Are melding together and leaving you treading
This deepening water
An ocean of silence
That swallows your screams.
Take a deep breath
And paste the smile back on.
Focus on the happy thoughts
And take another pill.
If nobody wants to hear your words
That’s alright, you’ll be fine
Keep your mouth shut, you know,
Conform and don’t be crazy-
Others have it worse anyways.
You don’t remember when
Those pills began to stop
And now your heartbeat is racing
From the killers in your head.
It’s all so much
And now you must be insane
Because nobody else says a word
About suffering like this.
Your mask is far too much
A weight you can’t remove
You’re a bird with clipped wings
A flower with no stem.
You’re chained up in your own mind
Gagged by your own fear
Pills by the handful
Just to feel alive.
Time is fading to a fuzzy haze
The only constant this endless nightmare.
You just want to smile again
You just want to feel whole again!
Cause and effect but this is effect without a reason
What’s the cause, what’s the root
Of this sickened tree?
They ask if you’re afraid of death
Chastise you for these reckless thoughts
And tell you to just grow up.
So how do you tell them
That you’re not afraid of death anymore?
The hell in your head
Is so much worse
Than any hell a religion could offer.
You’re not afraid of the reaper
Or any judgmental god
You’re afraid
Of this life.
Silence is a blade
Cutting your skin
But words make the cuts
Sink all the deeper still.
Anything to end this pain
Anything to cut the chains
Holding you hostage to the demons inside
If heaven is real that’s not where you’ll go
Because this pit can’t be climbed out of
The walls are too sharp
And trying only broke your will.
Every moment of this hell
Is too much, it’s a crushing weight
Anything at all
To end this pain.
Life isn’t fair
And god, don’t you know it
You’re so tired
And the waters are deep
So maybe it’s time
To set you free.
Fear, Part II
Is there a reason
You feel so alone
With all these people
Surrounding you?
The sun is shining
And the birds are out
Summer air against your skin
But it’s still winter inside.
You’re locked in a cage
Made up of your mind
The monsters are out
And they won’t rest.
Put on a smile
Don’t let them see
How many cracks
You have burning inside.
You can take another day
And your lungs will keep on moving
So focus on happy thoughts
And you’ll be fine.
But now the winter air is biting deep
And it’s getting hard to breathe
Through all this falling snow
And the beasts hunting you.
You’re pounding against the bars
In this cage you’ve made in your brain
But the howling wind and the blanket of snow
Are melding together and leaving you treading
This deepening water
An ocean of silence
That swallows your screams.
Take a deep breath
And paste the smile back on.
Focus on the happy thoughts
And take another pill.
If nobody wants to hear your words
That’s alright, you’ll be fine
Keep your mouth shut, you know,
Conform and don’t be crazy-
Others have it worse anyways.
You don’t remember when
Those pills began to stop
And now your heartbeat is racing
From the killers in your head.
It’s all so much
And now you must be insane
Because nobody else says a word
About suffering like this.
Your mask is far too much
A weight you can’t remove
You’re a bird with clipped wings
A flower with no stem.
You’re chained up in your own mind
Gagged by your own fear
Pills by the handful
Just to feel alive.
Time is fading to a fuzzy haze
The only constant this endless nightmare.
You just want to smile again
You just want to feel whole again!
Cause and effect but this is effect without a reason
What’s the cause, what’s the root
Of this sickened tree?
They ask if you’re afraid of death
Chastise you for these reckless thoughts
And tell you to just grow up.
So how do you tell them
That you’re not afraid of death anymore?
The hell in your head
Is so much worse
Than any hell a religion could offer.
You’re not afraid of the reaper
Or any judgmental god
You’re afraid
Of this life.
Silence is a blade
Cutting your skin
But words make the cuts
Sink all the deeper still.
Anything to end this pain
Anything to cut the chains
Holding you hostage to the demons inside
If heaven is real that’s not where you’ll go
Because this pit can’t be climbed out of
The walls are too sharp
And trying only broke your will.
Every moment of this hell
Is too much, it’s a crushing weight
Anything at all
To end this pain.
Life isn’t fair
And god, don’t you know it
You’re so tired
And the waters are deep
So maybe it’s time
To set you free.
FUCKING 34 IMAGES
i should have stayed curious...
Tw: suicide
One of the friends I made while I was in the mental ward killed himself.
He was also a trans dude pre official name change or hrt. He was a few years older than me.
He loved art. He was really good at it. I got to draw into his sketchbook.
I didn't know him well but I did look up to him. I thought that maybe at his age I could also start doing better.
Now he is gone. He is dead. He will never get to have his own art gallery or feel right in his body.
I'll try for him now. And for all the other people that couldn't continue.
I'm glad I got to know him...
Tw: suicide and slight mention of abuse
I seer to fucking God I can't keep doing this, I just can't. I don't want to be here.
Why does everything feel so intense? Why is everything too much for me? Why is it hard to just exist?
I just want to feel safe again. I don't want to lay in bed and be scared of something? I don't even know what I'm scared of?
I need someone who can protect me, someone who would protect me. Someone to stay by my side while I fight.
This is my fight, but I want someone to give me some cover.
I want someone to hold me when I get too weak. I want him.
He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel better. He. Him. I want him. I- I don't know what I'm doing?
Wait, I figured out what caused this breakdown, I showered and put his shit in the laundry...
That is a silly reason and it's not the reason, more of the last straw.
Everything has just been piling up. Like a house of cards and this was the card that broke everything down.
I feel so safe with him. Why?? Like, normally I am scared of everyone. Even people that I can physically overpower. But him.
He makes me feel safe. Even tho I wouldn't stand a chance against him. I am not scared of him. When I think of him I think of strong hand, long hair and soft kisses.
All things that comfort me.
When I think about anyone else, there is always also something that scares me. My friends can blackmail me. My parents can hit me. Strangers can do terrible things to me.
I can't ignore those concerns.
With him I don't have them??
Whattt???
I don't get it, it doesn't make any sense??
I want to hug him. I want to hold him in my arms and make him feel better too...
I don't know how to comfort people. I don't know how to make him feel safe and loved.
I feel all these emotions but I can't express them, they are stuck in my throat and in my hands.
I'm too tired.
I miss him. So much.
It feels like I will never see him again. It feels like I can never hold him again. It feels like it's all over and lost.
I can't, I don't want to keep going like this.
I like planning a future with him.
But I know we'll never actually have it.
I can't so this anymore.
I just want it all to end.
Why does existing hurt so much? Why do I always lose?
I am trying my best but still nothing comes of it.
Nothing ever does.
more of my new au | NEXT
⚠️TW suicide mention⚠️
painfully familiar au: atsutodo (probably?)
⚠️TW suicide mention⚠️
PREV | NEXT
painfully familiar au: suuji + character aesthetics
⚠️TW suicidal behavior⚠️
PREV
pov u have an appointment with the sky and ur alien friend is on his last day on earth before returning to his home planet, but ur both gatekeeping that info from each other to not make the other feel bad so u just agree to have a really good day before u both leave
idk why I thought of this but it felt right
I present to you my oc slasher mallgoth!! :D
Tradução:
apresento a voces o meu oc slasher mallgoth! :D
TW!! Suicide, implied SA
I look out onto the midnight breeze, watching cars pass by.
Repeat to myself over and over again it wasn’t my fault—was it?
In the end was it worth it? It’s only a permanent solution to a temporary problem.. right? I don’t know. I should know; im the one on the edge of a building right now. I should know.
Who would miss me? Would anyone realize im even gone? No to both. It wasn’t my fault in the end.. right?
I said no, which in result my mouth was covered. I could still taste his hand in my mouth, almost choking me. His hand wasn’t even in my mouth; it was on it.. I could still taste him. My body screamed and screamed for him to get off, to stop; but he didn’t. No one ever stops. Right?
I stand up to my full height, I feel invincible—like I could fly. So thats what I did, stepping closer as I lean forward till im floating. Then I sink, deeper, deeper, deeper.
Im alive, then im not.
Was it worth it in the end?