Tw: Slight Mention Of Sa And Sh

Tw: slight mention of sa and sh

How often do I have to say no until you accept it?? How fucking often? Because I said it so many times, stop it. No. No. Nonononono. Why do you keep going? Why can't you just leave me alone? I am just trying to exist!

Why is it so terrible hard to just exist? Why is always everyone trying to make it so much worse? I just want to relapse. I just want to cut myself open. I want to see the blood. I want to feel the pain. I just want to stop thinking.

Is it so bad? Is it so bad that I am trying to survive? To shut my brain up? Is it so bad that I am not able to stop?

Okay, I changed my mind, he was actually really sweet and told me he would kiss each and every one of my scars individually, which is so sweet.

I honestly always wished for someone to do that, I thunk it would really help me a lot and make me feel good.

Him only saying that was already enough to make me feel a little better :)

Tw: slight mention of sh

I feel so gross.

I'm trying to not relapse and bring myself to feel something and I am just texting with this guy and he wanted like, a picture, and I was like, alright and he was like,

You are covered in cuts

Well, yeah, you didn't have to tell me, I already know, but thanks for bringing it up??

Now I feel disgusting because of my scars and because I sent a pic in the first place, yay!!

Tw: tiny mention of drugs

"The chicken can wait"

I love my boyfriend, getting me to go to sleep and not cook myself chicken at 1 am.

He's so funny and cute. I like him, hihi :)

Also, I'm high and that's why I need chicken now.

Tw: mention of sh

I wanted to visit my boyfriend tomorrow, but he is going away for a week, so it's 3 weeks of not seeing each other. Because he was in malta and then I was in camp and now he is gone again.

It's okay. I guess. I am not dissociating at all. Never.

Urge is getting so strong again. I just really want to cut. I just want some relive. I really need to feel something again.

But I am trying so hard not to relapse. I'm really trying to get better...

There is something beautiful about actually feeling loved.

After talking, after having an actual talk, he told me he loves me, and I could belive it.

It was hard, but I could belive it. And I love him too. More than I want to. More than he knows.

I won't get addicted to him. I won't make him my whole world because I shouldn't. Because it is bad. Because it is sick and because it hurts both of us. Not just me, and I want to keep him safe. Even if it is from me.

I'm also learning to understand him. I am learning to understand the way he acts. Why he does or doesn't do things.

It's beautiful, this slowly building connection.

Tw: kind of violent thoughts?

Is it so hard to text back? It's nit his fault, not at all, I have been angry for the past few years. Since I forgave I have had this rage deep inside of me.

But is it so fucking hard to text back? Why am I so angry at him? It's not healthy to imagine blood and teeth and tears of the ones you love caused by you.

I am just so angry. Not even really at him. He is not at fault. He is making me feel better I think? So why the fuck do I want to bash his head in and actually really hurt him?

I am a good person? I promise. I have never hurt anyone on purpose, so why are these images in my head?

Where does this anger come from and how can I let it go again? I can't keep living and burning like this.