I Am Still Waiting For Something..?

I am still waiting for something..?

For him to text me and tell me something. For him to tell me anything. For him to just say random incoherent words.

I just wish I wouldn't still state at our chat waiting for him to massage me. My beautiful boyfriend, to say anything at all to me.

I miss my boyfriend. We wanted to meet today but we didn't and now he asked if I wanted to come over and sleep at his place but I am at home, and since I live in a little village there isn't any public transportation that would go at this time.

I really wanted to see him before I leave for a week...

I'm feeling terrible because we couldn't meet because of how bad I planned it all and I misunderstood stuff and didn't communicate enough.

But it's done now, I can't change it anymore...

I was right, my boyfriend got drunk and crazy but at least he is physically alright, so I guess that is all I could hope for.

I still miss him. I still want to hold him, he deserves all the good things on this world...

But he is safe now, so I can finally go to sleep, yay

Tw: mention of sa

The cousin that sexually assaulted me between the ages of 6 and 10 is back in the country. I am so scared and I probably have to see him next weekend...

I don't want to see him. I don't think I can. I have to act normal and like nothing ever happend while I get flashbacks of him doing all of it.

I can't stand the nightmares and flashbacks anymore, I just want to forget and be safe.

I don't want to relive him forcing himself onto me. I don't want to feel this helpless and weak again.

I need to get stronger. I need to be able to defend myself...

Tw: slight mention of sh

I feel so gross.

I'm trying to not relapse and bring myself to feel something and I am just texting with this guy and he wanted like, a picture, and I was like, alright and he was like,

You are covered in cuts

Well, yeah, you didn't have to tell me, I already know, but thanks for bringing it up??

Now I feel disgusting because of my scars and because I sent a pic in the first place, yay!!

Being fetishized is making me feel terrible.

Texting with another dude, he is 27 and got my snap from my former roommate

1. He doesn't respect that I am a man. Like, a dude. A guy. Yes I am trans, and? I am a trans man.

But he said he always wanted to fuck a *insert slur for trans people in german*

And

2. He was like so gross and wanted me and my former roommate to make out and fuck because he is into 2 girls fucking.

I am literally not a girl and I do not wanna fuck her, thank you very much.

Ufff. Why???