I Am Still Waiting For Something..?

I am still waiting for something..?

For him to text me and tell me something. For him to tell me anything. For him to just say random incoherent words.

I just wish I wouldn't still state at our chat waiting for him to massage me. My beautiful boyfriend, to say anything at all to me.

Okay, I changed my mind, he was actually really sweet and told me he would kiss each and every one of my scars individually, which is so sweet.

I honestly always wished for someone to do that, I thunk it would really help me a lot and make me feel good.

Him only saying that was already enough to make me feel a little better :)

Tw: slight mention of sh

I feel so gross.

I'm trying to not relapse and bring myself to feel something and I am just texting with this guy and he wanted like, a picture, and I was like, alright and he was like,

You are covered in cuts

Well, yeah, you didn't have to tell me, I already know, but thanks for bringing it up??

Now I feel disgusting because of my scars and because I sent a pic in the first place, yay!!

Did you know that you can hold someone like your life depends on it to make sure they don’t leave and you can say sorry a million times for nothing and some people will just let you do it?? And some people will even pretend like it didn’t happen for your sake until you need to do it again??

Tw: mention of sa

The cousin that sexually assaulted me between the ages of 6 and 10 is back in the country. I am so scared and I probably have to see him next weekend...

I don't want to see him. I don't think I can. I have to act normal and like nothing ever happend while I get flashbacks of him doing all of it.

I can't stand the nightmares and flashbacks anymore, I just want to forget and be safe.

I don't want to relive him forcing himself onto me. I don't want to feel this helpless and weak again.

I need to get stronger. I need to be able to defend myself...

Tw: tiny tiny mention of sh and drugs

I feel so lonely, I really miss him. I want to cuddle with him and sleep in his arms and just be with him.

We could sit in silence together and I would love it. I just really want to be with him. So so bad.

There is emptiness in my chest that I mustn't drink away. That I mustn't cut away. But I know he could hold be and I would feel whole.

Maybe not whole but something closer to it. Life gets more bearable with him. It gets livable. I can actually live and not only survive when we are together...

I am in an open relationship and my boyfriend texted me today that he made out with one of his friends.

And honestly, I do not mind at all? I was totally okay with me, don't get me wrong, but I still thought I would kinda care about it. But I really just don't.

I literally do not care?? Which is pretty nice.