Tw: Mention Of Sa

Tw: mention of sa

The cousin that sexually assaulted me between the ages of 6 and 10 is back in the country. I am so scared and I probably have to see him next weekend...

I don't want to see him. I don't think I can. I have to act normal and like nothing ever happend while I get flashbacks of him doing all of it.

I can't stand the nightmares and flashbacks anymore, I just want to forget and be safe.

I don't want to relive him forcing himself onto me. I don't want to feel this helpless and weak again.

I need to get stronger. I need to be able to defend myself...

Tw: drugs, sh, suicide

I made my mum cry 2 times today. And I feel guilty for it, but at the same time I just feel numb.

It's funny how hearing my perception of the world and her actions can make her cry when she always tells me that I have nothing to be sad about.

I think that she loves me, I just also want to feel it.

Feeling this numb is always a risky time, right now it would be so easy to just take a few more of my sleeping pills and leave.

I don't mind the pain I cause other people when I can't feel it. It's freeing to not care and cater to everyone's needs, but I also loose everything that makes me me.

I have to get out of this state or it could get dangerous. Maybe I'll make myself bleed again, relapse after more than two weeks again. Or I could drink, wake up tomorrow not remembering anything and with a headache that will kill me. Or maybe I should just smoke some weed. Relaxing and unwinding, caring even less but in a nice way. Getting lost in the smoke and my own mind.

I don't know. I probably shouldn't do any of it. I know I shouldn't. But keeping me alive takes killing me slowly.

Tw: mention of sh

I wanted to visit my boyfriend tomorrow, but he is going away for a week, so it's 3 weeks of not seeing each other. Because he was in malta and then I was in camp and now he is gone again.

It's okay. I guess. I am not dissociating at all. Never.

Urge is getting so strong again. I just really want to cut. I just want some relive. I really need to feel something again.

But I am trying so hard not to relapse. I'm really trying to get better...

I was right, my boyfriend got drunk and crazy but at least he is physically alright, so I guess that is all I could hope for.

I still miss him. I still want to hold him, he deserves all the good things on this world...

But he is safe now, so I can finally go to sleep, yay

I am still waiting for something..?

For him to text me and tell me something. For him to tell me anything. For him to just say random incoherent words.

I just wish I wouldn't still state at our chat waiting for him to massage me. My beautiful boyfriend, to say anything at all to me.

Did you know that you can hold someone like your life depends on it to make sure they don’t leave and you can say sorry a million times for nothing and some people will just let you do it?? And some people will even pretend like it didn’t happen for your sake until you need to do it again??