Tw: Mention Of Sh

Tw: mention of sh

I relapsed again and told my boyfriend and I'm justs o scared that he won't like me anymore because if it.

Which is not even logical because he also struggles with sh, but still.

I just know that noone loves broken people and I am shattered into 1000 different parts...

It's scary seeing myself fall in love. Like, healthy love. The one where I work really hard not to become obsessed and make him my favorite person.

And it works, I like and love him, but I don't suffer if he is gone. I can totally live without him. I don't need him, but ai want to be with him.

It's scary because I don't know this kind of love. But I like it.

When I'm talking to my older sisters or parents the funiest things always come up.

We were talking about me starting university soon and if I shouldn't just start working instead and I was like but I always wanted to be a psychologist and my sister was like, no, you wanted to drive a car and be a dad.

And that's true, I can remember, but I am afab. I am a trans man and as I child I was like, okay, I wanna be a dad and it's so funny how long it took me to figure out that I am trans.

Tw: ed

I think it's kind of funny that the chain in disordered eating behaviors is prominent in my family.

Like, my mother learned from her mother and I did from her. We pass our fears and regrets on to the next generation.

If I survive and decide to raise children, I'll try to break that chain.

It will be hard, generations of making food the enemy is not easy, but I will do it.

Tw: mention of sh

I relapsed... again. Again.

Why the fuck can't I stop?

I try so hard and I still come back to it?

There is so much blood and it feels so good and I feel so free and high.

I know I shouldn't, but it seems like I can't escape. I just have to cut.

What the fuck? Why am I like this? Honestly? Why do I always feel terrible right after I feel okay. Every time I think things are getting better, they get so much worse.

Give me some peace God dammit, fuck this!