Tw: Sh

Tw: sh

Someone tell me how to survive without destroying myself?

I seem to only live through the pain I inflict on myself.

Tw: suicide

Fuck this. I love my friends so much, I really do and I want to help them but I am also just a human??

I talked out so many of my friends. So many of them are alive right now because I could put my own stuff aside for a few hours.

The last 5 days, I stayed up nearly every night all night because one of my friends just won't stop trying to kill himself.

Either do it or go into the fucking ward again??

Just stop it please??

Stop ignoring the advice you asked for? What the fuck? I've been triggered so many times in the past few days because I constantly hear

Oh yeah, I took 8 pills today and feel dizzy as fuck.

Oh yeah, I took pills and drank so much alcohol.

Oh yeah, I'm gonna jump off a bridge now.

Oh yeah, I'll cut open my veins and bleed out.

Okay, fuck this. I JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORW.

I am sorry, I'm just trying to survive myself.

It's such a weird feeling to give my mother all the love and compassion that I would have wanted as a child.

I tell her that it's not her fault and that she is doing her best and that it's more than enough.

I give her forhead kisses when sending her to sleep and remind her not to overwork herself.

It's... it's nice seeing her get the love she deserves but it also makes me want to cry, because why couldn't she have given the same to me?

Tw: mention of sh

I relapsed... again. Again.

Why the fuck can't I stop?

I try so hard and I still come back to it?

There is so much blood and it feels so good and I feel so free and high.

I know I shouldn't, but it seems like I can't escape. I just have to cut.

Tw: mention of drugs and sh

I literally relapsed again today?

What the fuck? I was at two whole weeks and then bam and I am just rotting in bed, getting high every day and self harming again?

I just wanted to get better.

Why is it like this?

Tw: mention of sh relapse

Fuckkkkkk

I relapsed. Ahhhhh, why??? Why the fuck am I so weak? Fuck this. I hate this. Why can't I change???

What the actual fuck?

And I still want more. More. Moremoremoremore.

Please?