I Feel Like Such A Fatass And Like I Binged But I Didn't I Had Some Hot Chocolate And A Tiny Bit Of Mac

i feel like such a fatass and like I binged but I didn't I had some hot chocolate and a tiny bit of mac n cheese and I'm still under my limit but I feel so disgusted rn. i hate eating

day 8:

i don't really have a super specific one but I do 15 sit-ups whenever i think about eating (if i can obvi) and i usually follow this: (but i do other kinda random stuff, lots of jumping jacks)

My Therapist- “Is it really worth it? Being thin, I mean. Is it really that important?”

It’s everything.

day 7:

no, they don't. if they did they would just yell at me or punish me for not eating

TY 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Before You Binge

you're allowed to binge ... if you do all of these steps first

chug 1l of water

drink a cup of peppermint tea

and a cup of green tea

and a cup of hot lemon water

brush ur teeth

run up and down the stairs five times

do 20 jumping jacks

do 20 squats

do 20 prayer pulses

do 20 butt kicks

follow a lazy girl workout video

go for a 15-20 min walk

watch an episode of supersized vs superskinny, my 600lb life, freaky eaters, or a trisha paytas or nikocado avocado mukbang

put a face mask on

read a chapter of a book

read 5 more chapters of the book

finish the book

do duolingo lessons until you run out of hearts. then do practice lessons until you regain the hearts you lost

watch a disney movie

then watch a ghibli movie

watch an episode of that show you'd always meant to watch but never got around to

work on journalling, creative writing, or writing poetry

do some stretches

practice a hobby that keeps your hands busy, like knitting, gaming, or playing an instrument

paint your nails

watch a fashion show

watch media with a celebrity whose body you consider to be goals, like music videos/live performances for singers and movies/TV shows for actresses

watch interviews with aforementioned celebrities

start taking a free course on coursera.org, there are some you can complete in a couple of hours. or you can take a longer course and just do a lesson each time you feel the urge to binge

do a workout that's 40 mins or longer

shower for 20 mins with music

put lotion on your entire body

do the chores you've been ignoring

read an article about the effects of hunger on the body

drink another litre of water

and a pot of herbal tea

watch a documentary

watch a ted talk

you are probably tired after all this, so take a nap for half an hour or longer

if you still feel like binging, honestly, you earned it

my poem about anorexia:

"ana"

my caved in chest

and chicken arms

my pencil thin legs

and all my scars

my hollowed out cheeks

the rituals begin

the bags under my sockets

the definition of my chin

the fatigue every morning

the dizzy every night

the hunger pain

and the shivers

triggering myself

ana is the boss

find a way to cope

weight loss

decreased testosterone

or the absence of your period

workout routines

food diaries

nausea

sudden death

making others worried

shortness of breath

constipation or diarrhea

cut out food groups

weigh in every day

osteoporosis

my hair falling out

lanugo on my skin

bruises on my legs

my collarbones thin

my spine visible

my sternum is too

my bicep non-existent

daydreaming about my meals

every calorie counting

working out for hours on end

stomach flat

unable to keep a friend

a kilo or a pound

obsessed with the numbers

check each ingredient

water instead of oil

unsweetened almond milk

or a rice cake

oatmeal

scared to attempt to bake

blueish fingers

yellow-tinted skin

anemia

distorted self-image

feeding all my friends

counting while I eat

portioning myself

starving is my treat

women

men

children

and teens

big

tall

short and small

haunted by her curse

"have you eaten today?"

"I'm worried about you"

"Do you want some food?"

"Eat a burger"

memorize the macros

"i am not a dog, food is not my treat"

cry yourself to sleep

"but I've seen you eat"

hours in mirrors

isolate from others

heart palpations

and restless nights

incurable thirst

intermittent fasting

binges or purges

all effects are lasting

normal on the outside

dying on the inside

questions from passersby

self-harm

"just one more hour"

"just one more meal"

"i already ate"

"it's not that big of a deal"

suicidal thoughts

being underweight

scared of being healthy

scared to get too sick

feeding tubes

hospitalization

thinking about food

hyperventilation

racing thoughts

loneliness

using laxatives

diets

going to the gym

going for a run

bodychecking

never having fun

infertility

cracked, dry skin

thin, brittle nails

weakened teeth

ruining my life

ruining my relationships

ruining my future

unable to eat a bag of chips

eating disorder speaks in my place

therapy

"just eat"

excuses for each meal

obsessed with my intake

obsessed with the math

obsessed with my weight

following this path

ice

water

gum

coffee

hoping that they notice

never tell a soul

hide it all from others

staring at my empty bowl

atypical or not

never feeling valid

covering my body

starving till I'm on my deathbed

recovery is useless

"i want to stay this way"

I'll have to fight my whole life

to keep her voice at bay

searches on the Internet

headaches

vitamin deficient

aspartame

comparison

"no cal is better than low cal"

refeeding syndrome

"I'm not good enough"

"once on the lips forever on the hips"

quick ways to lose weight

calculate my BMI

freak out about what I just ate

hide my secret

hide my body

keep on the low

ana,

till I'm skin and bone

oh how she will lie

she doesn't want you to just be a number

she wants you to die.

-zsc