On Tuesday I Had An Intake Appointment For Group Therapy At My Local Womens Shelter. I Had A Personal

On Tuesday I had an intake appointment for group therapy at my local women’s shelter.  I had a Personal Danger and Risk Assessment done. The score scale  is out of 30 and a score of 19 or higher categorized you as “In Extreme Danger/At Extremely High Risk”.

I scored a 27.

Have you ever been to a women's shelter?

You buzz, and you identify yourself before you enter. They have video footage of you and they take pics. If they've misspelled your last name it is a hassle to proceed. If they let you proceed at all.

They'll buzz you in only 5 minutes before you're scheduled. Otherwise there may not be someone to " keep an eye" on you. The leave you outside to be victim to whateved creep is stalking the place that day. Or whatever mother nature has in store.

There's passcodes and two sets of impenetrable doors. There is bulletproof glass at the reception desk. There are hardly any windows and none of them open.

It is stale and stagnant and stinks of misery.

It took me 20 minutes to secure a glass of water since they had to find "an escort". The chairs are stiff. There is an air of everything being just " functional"

It's not welcoming. It has no intention of being so. It's a prison. You're there because of decisions you made.

We leave one to enter another.

I don't really have any combative training experience, but it it strikes me as irresponsible to be grabbing your students by the throat in the first 15 minutes of your first class.

You're teaching self defense. To women. Does it not seem likely you'll have some trauma survivors?

Tried a self defense course tonight. Realized i am not ready to have people touch me.

Particularly not cishet white men. And particularly not around the throat.

I have my group therapy intake tonight. I'm feeling sick.

I bought a lipstick today.  He got angry when I spent money on things that weren’t “essential”, so I felt naughty. 

Reality has set in:  How messed up is it that a $6.00 lipstick is a victory?

I spent nearly my entire relationship dealing with this alone. And hiding my reality from everyone.

I reach out for help now, but it has not gotten easier for me to do so. Each message I send i regret instantly. Like I've given too much away. Or I'm bothering the recipient.