The Difference Between Me And Fully Functional Adults Is That When They Make A Mistake, They Just Move

The difference between me and fully functional adults is that when they make a mistake, they just move on. When I make a mistake, the world crashes around me, the air escapes my lungs and i simultaneously want to hide under my blankets and scream like a banshee out into the void.

I feel unlovable, incapable and inhuman. I want to claw my skin off and jam a stick through the part of my brain that remembers.

My woman has to spend an hour telling me I am still worthy of love and talks me down from running away.

My brain can't yet process that mistakes no longer equal humiliation and pain. And since I'm not getting the punishment on the outside my brain does it to me on the inside.

There's just fragments of things I used to be and have borrowed from other people

a mess

I need to quit my job.

He told me he came to the realization that I was the woman he wanted to be with forever while beginning to fuck another woman.

He said he stopped it immediately upon this realization and came home to me.

I remember this night. I made him angry, so he spit screamed in my face and told me he was going to go out and cheat on me. So he did. And I was so dead inside that I didn't care. The time he was gone had a peace to it.

I don't believe for a minute that he "stopped." And would you believe he tried to spin that into a really sweet and meaningful moment for us?

Kettle meet Teapot

He was a cheater too.  I don’t think I ever mentioned that.

Funny enough, neither did he. 

gaslighting does not always involve them calling you “crazy”

sometimes gaslighting is you protesting over and over, and them saying “you don’t have to make such a big deal out of it”

sometimes it’s “i really tried my best with you, but clearly i couldn’t do it”

sometimes it’s “i would never do that to you”, “if you really asked me to stop, wouldn’t i have stopped?”, “i don’t know what i’d do if i ever hurt you”

“denying and rewriting your reality” is not a one-time conversation, either. it is a sneak attack, flying under the radar and taking you out, one communication at a time, never drawing all the attention at once.

it is not your fault that you never saw it coming.

I am walking at night regularly again. On a corner waiting for the light to change I hear motorcycles. Something told me to put my hood up.

Guess who rode by not 10 meters from me?