I Am Walking At Night Regularly Again. On A Corner Waiting For The Light To Change I Hear Motorcycles.

I am walking at night regularly again. On a corner waiting for the light to change I hear motorcycles. Something told me to put my hood up.

Guess who rode by not 10 meters from me?

He told me he came to the realization that I was the woman he wanted to be with forever while beginning to fuck another woman.

He said he stopped it immediately upon this realization and came home to me.

I remember this night. I made him angry, so he spit screamed in my face and told me he was going to go out and cheat on me. So he did. And I was so dead inside that I didn't care. The time he was gone had a peace to it.

I don't believe for a minute that he "stopped." And would you believe he tried to spin that into a really sweet and meaningful moment for us?

Kettle meet Teapot

He was a cheater too.  I don’t think I ever mentioned that.

Funny enough, neither did he. 

The difference between me and fully functional adults is that when they make a mistake, they just move on. When I make a mistake, the world crashes around me, the air escapes my lungs and i simultaneously want to hide under my blankets and scream like a banshee out into the void.

I feel unlovable, incapable and inhuman. I want to claw my skin off and jam a stick through the part of my brain that remembers.

My woman has to spend an hour telling me I am still worthy of love and talks me down from running away.

My brain can't yet process that mistakes no longer equal humiliation and pain. And since I'm not getting the punishment on the outside my brain does it to me on the inside.

My city is on the water. I took for granted my unfettered access to the waterfront until somewhat recently.

I spent a lot of time here last year. I read something about how animals "rest, and go to the water" when they are in pain or trying to heal. Typically I don't buy into pop culture renditions of 'self care', but I was desperate to feel anything other than the crushing sense of emptiness.

All silliness aside, I did a lot of healing here. The water was soothing and peaceful. My walks helped clear my head and focus on something other than my self loathing.

I learned to feel ok with my own company. Found a little joy in the world around me, and began to appreciate aspects of my city.

I went on one of those walks today and the weather was just perfect. I feel lighter than i did last year.

A lot has changed.

I had a terrible dream.

I let a man have me on the curb outside a store in broad daylight. There were people around. I was trying to get off while not getting much enjoyment. He left me on the ground after he finished like a piece of garbage, but waved goodbye.

The guilt sunk in. How was I going to tell my woman about this?

In some ways, I knew that feeling. At times when I was unfaithful to him and I uncompartmentalized for a second I would feel uncomfortable, a tightness in my gut, something with a tinge of guilt but mostly just shame.

This was that, with far more guilt than I could take. My woman is so supportive, so good to me; I only want for her to feel happy and loved always. And here I was slipping back into the worst parts of me and disgracing us both.

Unlike when I was with him and continually taking the easy way out, I had made the decision within the dream to come clean to her and accept the consequences. Every part of me felt sick.

Despite the fantastical details (like somehow dodging an indecency charge), I had to reassure myself as I awoke that I didn't actually do such a horrible thing. It felt too much like the old me.

I feel the urge to confess something, so I'm going to tell her about the dream.

My subconscious is an asshole.

Today is a bad day.