Him: YOU ARE SUCH A STUPID LAZY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I LET YOU BE HERE? I'VE TOLD YOU A

Him: YOU ARE SUCH A STUPID LAZY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I LET YOU BE HERE? I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES. THIS PLACE IS SO FUCKING FILTHY. I CAN'T EVEN INVITE SOMEONE OVER. IT'S EMBARRASSING. JUST BECAUSE YOU GREW UP IN FILTH WITH YOUR FUCKING PARENTS DOESN'T MEAN YOU STAY THAT WAY. I KEEP FUCKING TRYING TO FIX YOU BUT YOU'RE SO FUCKING USELESS AND HOPELESS.

Me: *quietly tends to the plate and glass in the sink that spawned this outburst*

Him: *glaring at me*

Me: *makes eye contact quickly to reassure him that I am not ignoring him (because he really REALLY doesn't like that) but not long enough to encourage a smack to the face or more yelling*

Him: what?

Me: *smiles and shakes head*

Him: What? You don't want to talk to me? Fine. Fuck this. *Goes to the basement to play games for 6 hours*

Me: *exhales silently*

Depression is hitting pretty hard. The last few job prospects were not what i thought they were.

My last paycheck will be November 15 and i have nothing to replace it.

My woman has already insisted she buy me snow tires, because I advised that I won't have the money to buy them at this time. This makes me ashamed. Especially since she has been stretched thin lately herself.

And a quick flashback to a conversation with my Father yesterday who helpfully reminded me that i "shouldn't be depending on anybody." Thanks, Pops, for the pep talk.

And i still have to go to this place for another 8 shifts. Once again, I'd like to ask why I have to be in this discouraging position while my shithead, incompetent, mysogenist boss suffers with none of it.

I auditioned for a show I REALLY wanted and was not cast. I feel this is the end of my youth.

[while choking back a sob, tears visible] i’m good dude i’m so good. i’m way fucking. good. man. i’m GOOD

For any of us thinking we need to try to do this all by ourselves.

Actually, I do know. He has probably spent his life bullying and manipulating people into doing what, when, and how he wants while devaluing themselves and their contributions.

He must have worked with people that didn't call him on mistakes, oversights or inappropriate behaviour that he tried to heave on someone else.

He told me once that he takes credit for everything that happened at his workplace because that's how you get ahead. I told him it was more in my nature to praise my team, since they do the heavy lifting. He said that humility doesn't exemplify confidence and I am not promotable.

I called him on being contradictory. I called him on it when he was being abusive. I called him on it when he tried to manipulate me. And I called him on it when he tried to run my department. It wasn't always graceful, and at times I was consumed with self doubt. But i held my ground, and I can't tell you how proud of myself I am.

I also had a good relationship with my staff and he envied that. I believe you earn the respect of your team by valuing what they do and treating them like people. He believes you demand respect from the title you hold and being at the top should make you invincible.

Well. I found out he resigned from his position. Funny how that all worked out.

Not that it particularly matters, but that interaction with my boss was the last one I had with him. No good luck wish, no hand shake, nothing.

He hated me to my very core and I have no idea why.

Survival.

when lizzo said “self love is survival” and when hannah gadsby said “do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? it’s not humility. it’s humiliation” and when mitski said “i used to rebel by destroying myself, but realized that’s awfully convenient to the world. for some of us our best revolt is self preservation”