Buttered Up.

Buttered up.

Before we moved out of the house, I made a breakfast sandwich for him at his mother’s place.

I usually fry eggs in butter, and for him, I used more than usual because he likes his eggs well done and I didn’t want it to stick.  I also added peppers and onions to the pan, which had temporarily increased the visible liquid.  If you’ve ever even put something in the microwave, you know that liquid cooks off.  

He started streaming that it was going to be greasy and disgusting.  That I was a fucking moron and I couldn’t do anything right.  

He did it in front of his mother, who told him to shut up when people make food for you.  He glared at her until I finished his breakfast sandwich

He assured me he wouldn’t eat it.  I told him if he didn’t want to eat it, then I would.  That was sufficient motivation; he wouldn’t want me to get to eat without him, that would mean I was more special than him or something.

Then he praised it.  It was delicious.

Do you think there was an apology?  You already know the answer to that.

My parents moved closer to my old neighbourhood. I often have to drive by to visit them.

I still get chills and that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think that I might see him. Or worse, that he might see me.

Ghosts

Driving in our his neighbourhood this evening. That tightness in my chest returned.  I held my breath when I drove past our his road.  

The neighbourhood is haunted.  Cursed.

This text would have been Sept 2017, which is right before he cut me off long enough for me to wake up.

Emotional update: this doesn't hurt anymore. And the memories of this happening become blurrier as I get further away from it.

I does, however, invoke anger. It shows his audacity and cruelty, which undoubtedly some other poor soul is suffering the brunt of now.

It makes me sick that people like him exist in this world.

He’s going back on some parts of our separation agreement, so I have been looking for texts in case I need to submit evidence. It’s not relevant to our  agreement, but I found this.

Context:  I told him that I was going to be participating in my local Take Back the Night event. I was raped when I was 19, so it is close to my heart.

He sent me this message after kicking me out of the house again after I visited him. It happened a lot.  My memories can be foggy at times so I am not completely certain why I was vacated this time.  However an educated guess is it was one of the times I protested him telling other people about my assault. He used it to garner sympathy from the girls he wanted to sleep with - I was a monster and this was one of the reasons.  He wanted so much to help me, but I was a lost cause.  

With the event so close, the feelings were raw. I may have gotten a bit sassy.  I told him it wasn’t his story to tell.   So he’d shove me violently toward the door and tell me to “Leave!!”  Then proceed to spam me with hate for the following hour.

I haven’t had one of these nights for a while now.  But reading this again punched me in the gut.  The worst part is, later on in the conversation I excuse him because I knew he “only denied [or doubted that I was raped] when [he] was really hurt.”

This one hurt really bad then; I remember driving home and being worried I’d crash my car because I couldn’t see through my tears. Or my misery. I’m ashamed that it still hurts now.

Damned if you don’t

I hated running into people we both knew after he’d kicked me out.

He'd sent me to buy him dinner one night and his cousin was at the restaurant.  In retrospect I am confident she would not have known that I was aware she was there.  To be honest, I saw her for only a moment before looking away and my back was to her for the remainder of my time there.

I was his ex as far as his family was concerned, and wasn’t keen on an awkward conversation. Plus, I didn’t see who her companion was; she could have been on a date. So I kept to myself, went to the bar, paid, and left.

I told him that I saw his cousin with someone. If I ever went anywhere and someone told him that they saw me, but I didn’t mention it, he’d lose it.  He’d say I was withholding information and this was evidence that I was the same monstrous slut I always was.

So I told him and as per the usual, he used that information to torture me. 

He did some investigation to see who his cousin was with.  He made a point to call and tell me his sister and his cousin were very offended that I chose not to say hello. He said they congratulated him on being rid of me.

That’s possible I guess. But I’m calling bullshit. Just another opportunity to make me feel terrible.

He used the fact that i let him have sex with me every night as evidence that I had a sex addiction.

"Normal couples only do it a couple time a week..."

Do you know what would happen if I didn't have sex when he wanted it? I bet you can guess!

Some nights he would wake me up multiple times telling me I was snoring.

I do snore. But a few times he did it while I was still awake. He thought i was sleeping and wanted a reason to wake and shame me.