How Much Easier It Would All Be If He Was Just A Monster.

How much easier it would all be if he was just a monster.

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept about abusers/toxic relationships is that these people care(d) about you, or at least thought they did.

It’s easy to think of stereotypical ‘abusers’ as these Big Bad Monsters who have no regard for your wellbeing. It’s easy but it isn’t always true.

They may well be like that, but they might also be that one person from school who always texts to make sure you’re okay. They might be the family member that tries to cheer you up. They might be the friend you’ve had for as long as you can remember. There is no template for abuse and there is no template for abusers, everyone experiences it differently.

No matter how much these people care about you or love you, if they are abusing you it is absolutely okay to cut them out of your life. You don’t owe them anything because of how they might feel about you.

Add this to the pile

He used to make me park my car a block or more away from his ( once our) house. Didn't care if I was cold, carrying heavy things or leaving at 4am.

If I parked in the same spot twice in a row he would threaten to not have me over anymore.

"What? You think John* hasn't ever had to keep Jane* in line? You think I'm the only one who does this?"

* a couples friend of ours. Names changed.

He unblocks me to send me snide comments and then blocks me before I can respond. He doesn’t realize that I don’t respond at all anymore.  And shortly I will be blocking him - when I gather up the nerve.

Things I worry about while I should be working.

He has so many nudes of me. So much dirt. He could ruin what is left of my life.

I’m fucking crying.

Those of us who have been through abuse are always leery of new people and looking for red flags of our possible next abuser.  That angry outburst in the car strike one,  the attitude in your voice when we ask a favor strike two, cursing during an argument strike three, the raising of your voice, slamming of a door, the silent treatment….. All these during a relationship with someone who has never experienced abuse may seem minimal to most people. but to those of us who were with partners who started out sweet, who professed their love one day and withheld affection the next until the entire relationship progressed into fear at the sound of their footsteps and anxiety when you hear the car pull into the driveway. These small things prick up our ears and put us on edge.  We track them, make mental notes, and pull away for fear you too will turn on us.  I’d say it isn’t easy being with someone like me, I have been referred to as an abused puppy, waiting to be kicked as I am always on guard and expecting the floor to drop out beneath me.  Just a word of advice to any well meaning person entering into a relationship with someone who has been abused, don’t waste our time. If you know you have a temper, if you know you can be cold or impatient, move on, we need someone kinder than you, we need patience and understanding.  Know it is going to take time, possibly a lot of time, for us to heal and trust and expecting acceptance and love and tenderness from a partner is not to much to ask.