Remember, Not Reminisce

Remember, not Reminisce

Today I’m feeling touch-starved, and it’s on these days that I miss him the most.

When I’m feeling emotional I try to remember rather than reminisce.  When we were together and I would reach out to him in bed in the morning or in the middle of the night, he would shrug me off angry that I woke him.

He rarely, if ever, cured my need for affection. So what is there to lament?

An Experience

Referring to this 

I took us Skydiving in the summer of 2016 for his birthday complete with weekend away. It was probably the most exhilarating thing I’ll ever do.

We got videos and pictures of our jumps from the company we jumped with, but he also insisted I document his whole experience from start to finish on my phone. One of his complaints was that I never took pictures of anything, and that was a sign that I was not normal or a good partner.

The consequence of me playing paparazzi was that we discovered, a few weeks later when the official videos arrived, that I was in the first part of his.  He was furious about that, stating how he’d have to re-edit it to be able to show it to his family.

Worst of all, where previously he had been raving about the experience, he soon turned it around.  He was dissatisfied because I had participated.  He was angry that I had not just paid for him to jump, but that I had jumped myself.

He stated that I just “couldn’t let him have anything.”

Always seemed that no matter how much I spent or planned that I couldn’t do anything right.

I almost forgot a part.  We had to make two trips.  

The first time we had gone was closer to his birthday.  I had to book 6 weeks in advance as spaces filled up quickly.  When the weekend came, the forecast called for some rain with periods of sunshine.  Furthermore, there were other people who were in line ahead of us.  We were advised by the club to come and hope for the best as there was still a good possibility we would go.

So we went and were trained.  Ultimately, though the weather prevented us from having a turn to jump.

He was upset, once again, as I had dropped the ball on planning.  As if I could predict, six weeks in advance, that the wind would pick up with the rain just enough to make the jump unsafe for beginners.

An Experience

Referring to this 

I took us Skydiving in the summer of 2016 for his birthday complete with weekend away. It was probably the most exhilarating thing I’ll ever do.

We got videos and pictures of our jumps from the company we jumped with, but he also insisted I document his whole experience from start to finish on my phone. One of his complaints was that I never took pictures of anything, and that was a sign that I was not normal or a good partner.

The consequence of me playing paparazzi was that we discovered, a few weeks later when the official videos arrived, that I was in the first part of his.  He was furious about that, stating how he’d have to re-edit it to be able to show it to his family.

Worst of all, where previously he had been raving about the experience, he soon turned it around.  He was dissatisfied because I had participated.  He was angry that I had not just paid for him to jump, but that I had jumped myself.

He stated that I just “couldn’t let him have anything.”

Always seemed that no matter how much I spent or planned that I couldn’t do anything right.

I can't even see the specifics and I'm sad.

Percentage of women thinking that domestic violence is justified under some instances (2014) [6300 x 3095]

The deal with meals.

Ten years ago he decided that I would make all the meals. Only he told me that I was the one that decided that.

When we first moved out we were still trying to figure out all of the things that young couples are trying to figure out: how to work out each other’s schedules,  keep the apartment clean, ensure we had enough to pay the bills, etc etc.  

There were days, when I was working late, that it just made sense for him to make dinner.  I had grown up learning how to prepare food - I wasn’t great at it at the time, but I was taught, and fully believe, that is this a life skill. So I learned.  

He did not. Rather than trying to figure it out ( I was fully prepared to eat food that had been burnt to shit during the learning process) he went for things that were easy.  This meant lots of frozen food that he could throw in the oven and be done with.  No veggies to be found.

I do not have a restrictive diet by any means, and I am in no way a total health nut. However, my body, and I will spare you the gory details, INFORMS me when I have been eating too many greasy, pre-packaged, fried, high sodium and high fat things. 

I tried mentioning this on a number of occasions and it always turned into a drag out fight. He didn’t believe me despite the physical symptoms that were visible.  His rationale?  He was eating the exact same thing with no symptoms of the sort.  I was just making it up to be a bitch and have something else to nag him about.  

My incredulity as a side - I can’t imagine being with someone and insisting on cooking food that makes them bleed.   

It came to a head one night where he had me on the floor crying.  I was an unreasonable bitch and I had made the decision right then and there.  Since I didn’t like his “cooking” I agreed to make all of the meals that we ever ate ever again.

It was an utterly ridiculous contract.  But it was one that he stuck to to the letter. I always had to leave social gatherings and other events, sometimes even work to ensure he was fed.  If I did not, he wouldn’t even make himself a sandwich until I got home.  He would starve himself or binge on chips in order to spite me.

And that hangry meme that circulated social media for a while?  Hilarious to some - a real and utter nightmare for me. There was hell to pay if there was no dinner on the table when he walked in.  Yeah.  That really is a reality still for some

To this day he has never learned to cook, which has been an immense problem for him since we are no longer together.  I’m sure he fancies himself an excellent culinary critic though - there was always a problem with what I made

The only good that came out of this is that with the training of the basics I received from my folks (and I am very grateful that they insisted I learn) and all the practice I’ve had over the years, I’m a fairly skilled cook and meal planner.  Most of the time I like it too, but it has also been a trigger. 

It’s hard when the things you love are tainted.

woman making a post on tumblr dot com: due to the countless ways that men abuse, manipulate, exploit and degrade women on a daily basis and the social and personal trauma i’ve endured from them i don’t feel safe near them and would not be with one because in my experience men as a whole do not value women as people

that one chick, inevitably: what about my amazing boyfriend chad? we’ve been together seven years and he’s only called me a bitch 4 times