Four Years Ago I Was Struggling With My Mental Health. I Was Having Difficulty Getting Out Of Bed And

Four years ago I was struggling with my mental health. I was having difficulty getting out of bed and going to work. This problem was compounded because I was running my own business at the time. In other words I wasn't really making any money because I wasn't making it out the door and didn't have anything like unemployment to fall back on.

This was unacceptable to him. I was being "stupid and lazy" and so I did what I thought I needed to do. I went to my doctor and told he i was struggling. She gave me a script.

I decided I should inform him before taking it; my doctor had advised that there were side effects that may affect him.

He flipped. He screamed that he had no interest in being with a psychologically inept woman . If I wanted to be a useless shell of a human being to at least get myself lobotomized and give him the satisfaction of having a slave.

He asked why I was so weak. Why I thought I could use a mental illness as an excuse for being useless. It was an insult to people with actual problems.

I got rid of the pills. And rejected the opportunity to get my head in order. I just sunk deeper into despair and hated myself for not being better.

I believed what he said about me. Just lazy and weak willed.

After becoming reclusive at his request for nearly 2 years, I’ve started putting myself back out there.  Not dating (possibly never dating), but getting back to my hobbies and socializing with friends and acquaintances.  The hard part has not been getting into the swing of things, it’s been navigating conversations.

“The last time we talked you told me you were working on getting back together, is that still where you’re at?”

“Uhm.  No.  That’s ... not ever going to happen.”

Most are polite enough not to inquire further, but it’s kind of overwhelming (and I had completely forgotten) how many people I previously said these things to.  How many more corrections will I have to make?

“... for what it’s worth, you never looked like you were happy...”

The Truth About Money

When I was running after him I was perpetually broke.  I rarely spent a dime on myself, and if I did it was for him in a round about way (a personal trainer, aesthetics, etc).  He blamed my inability to budget and poor spending habits.

About a year ago, I had an experience that first lifted the veil. If you are interested, you can read about it here.  Shortly after that time I cracked down and prioritized saving; I prioritized it even over him because I had realized that I truly was alone.

That was the beginning of the end of his interest in me.  After all, what good am I if I am not bankrolling his interests? He severed contact approximately three months ago. I wish I had done it, but unfortunately that wasn’t the way it went.  

Since we’ve ceased speaking I have, in addition to saving more money than I have ever had for myself ever, paid off the remainder of my student debt, paid off my maxed out credit card, and taken 10% off what I owe on my line of credit.  All the while having a modest social life. 

I am not bad with money. He was bad with my money.  He is bad.

woman making a post on tumblr dot com: due to the countless ways that men abuse, manipulate, exploit and degrade women on a daily basis and the social and personal trauma i’ve endured from them i don’t feel safe near them and would not be with one because in my experience men as a whole do not value women as people

that one chick, inevitably: what about my amazing boyfriend chad? we’ve been together seven years and he’s only called me a bitch 4 times

My official title

He unaffectionately referred to me as his fake wife for the last 5 or 6 years we were together.

A dodged Experience.

I found a female - a stranger - who agreed to have a threesome with us.  I was trying to check off the list and one of the sexual experiences he stipulated was a threesome.  I’d already agreed and participated in one with him 12 years earlier.  He kept saying that wasn’t a “real” one as she and I didn’t interact enough for his liking.  So it just didn’t count.  

She agreed to meet us at a hotel out of town.

On the way, I told him I was feeling very anxious about it and insinuated that this wasn’t really something I wanted to do.  He told me he was offended. I had agreed to so many sexual requests of others, how could I deny the man I said I loved?

We met her, and we went for dinner.  She was lovely, and funny. I liked her, and we were all getting along swimmingly.  We stopped at a gas station and I went in to buy some drinks to take back to the room.  When I got back into the car, the laughter was gone and there was an uncomfortable silence.

When we got back to the room, she said she really liked us and found us both attractive, but didn’t think tonight “was the night.”  I was  relieved, but I could tell he was doing his best to keep his temper at bay.  We talked more before going  to sleep.  We parted the next day and were never in contact again.

He had all sorts of theories about her and why she didn’t want to be with us, always painting her negatively.  I’m sure he would have loved to try to blame it on me had she not explicitly stated that she was most interested in experimenting with me.

He said something to her in the car when I was buying drinks that irked her. The tone change in the few minutes I was in the store was palpable.  But I have no idea what it was.