Embarassing - Tumblr Posts
I only feel this way all the time.
do you ever feel embarrassed to be in your own skin like please just dont look at me i wish i didnt exist sometimes like i want to disappear because i cannot handle being me
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I promise I'll write soon, I've just been really busy but I'm just posting to say that I'm at a house party right now and someone at this party really asked me
' What do you like aside from Misha ? '
After becoming reclusive at his request for nearly 2 years, I’ve started putting myself back out there. Not dating (possibly never dating), but getting back to my hobbies and socializing with friends and acquaintances. The hard part has not been getting into the swing of things, it’s been navigating conversations.
“The last time we talked you told me you were working on getting back together, is that still where you’re at?”
“Uhm. No. That’s ... not ever going to happen.”
Most are polite enough not to inquire further, but it’s kind of overwhelming (and I had completely forgotten) how many people I previously said these things to. How many more corrections will I have to make?
“... for what it’s worth, you never looked like you were happy...”
This is probably one of the most embarrassing things I’ll ever post. This was My List that he gave me to complete in order for us to date again. Complete this, and I would be forgiven. I believed it too, and allowed myself to be tortured in the pursuit.
A dodged Experience.
I found a female - a stranger - who agreed to have a threesome with us. I was trying to check off the list and one of the sexual experiences he stipulated was a threesome. I’d already agreed and participated in one with him 12 years earlier. He kept saying that wasn’t a “real” one as she and I didn’t interact enough for his liking. So it just didn’t count.
She agreed to meet us at a hotel out of town.
On the way, I told him I was feeling very anxious about it and insinuated that this wasn’t really something I wanted to do. He told me he was offended. I had agreed to so many sexual requests of others, how could I deny the man I said I loved?
We met her, and we went for dinner. She was lovely, and funny. I liked her, and we were all getting along swimmingly. We stopped at a gas station and I went in to buy some drinks to take back to the room. When I got back into the car, the laughter was gone and there was an uncomfortable silence.
When we got back to the room, she said she really liked us and found us both attractive, but didn’t think tonight “was the night.” I was relieved, but I could tell he was doing his best to keep his temper at bay. We talked more before going to sleep. We parted the next day and were never in contact again.
He had all sorts of theories about her and why she didn’t want to be with us, always painting her negatively. I’m sure he would have loved to try to blame it on me had she not explicitly stated that she was most interested in experimenting with me.
He said something to her in the car when I was buying drinks that irked her. The tone change in the few minutes I was in the store was palpable. But I have no idea what it was.
He’s going back on some parts of our separation agreement, so I have been looking for texts in case I need to submit evidence. It’s not relevant to our agreement, but I found this.
Context: I told him that I was going to be participating in my local Take Back the Night event. I was raped when I was 19, so it is close to my heart.
He sent me this message after kicking me out of the house again after I visited him. It happened a lot. My memories can be foggy at times so I am not completely certain why I was vacated this time. However an educated guess is it was one of the times I protested him telling other people about my assault. He used it to garner sympathy from the girls he wanted to sleep with - I was a monster and this was one of the reasons. He wanted so much to help me, but I was a lost cause.
With the event so close, the feelings were raw. I may have gotten a bit sassy. I told him it wasn’t his story to tell. So he’d shove me violently toward the door and tell me to “Leave!!” Then proceed to spam me with hate for the following hour.
I haven’t had one of these nights for a while now. But reading this again punched me in the gut. The worst part is, later on in the conversation I excuse him because I knew he “only denied [or doubted that I was raped] when [he] was really hurt.”
This one hurt really bad then; I remember driving home and being worried I’d crash my car because I couldn’t see through my tears. Or my misery. I’m ashamed that it still hurts now.
Rings and seemingly insignificant things
I still wear a ring he gave me in the early years of our relationship. I used to look at it as a testament to my commitment to him. Now it’s a placeholder until I can find something more suitable; I’m not ready to go naked just yet.
I’ve switched hands at least.
I am embarrassed to admit that I let him put one of those parental control apps on my last phone. It was after it all came out, and I did it as a sign of good faith. I had changed. I wasn't a cheater. I was actively building him up and saying good things about him.
He saw every text and every email. He knew exactly where I was at all times. I found some ways around it - he couldn't see whatsapp for example - but would see my useage of that app and then read all of my messages the next time we were together.
I had to navigate conversations with friends and my parents very carefully during that time. if he saw something that even remotely resembled a negative word or feeling about him from someone I was in for it.
I was constantly analysing all of my conversations, anticipating any possible interpretation. I would stategically delete parts of whatsapp convos with friends I didn't want him to see, and then agonize if the parts I had left made sense as part of a conversation.
He flipped shit a handful of times over spam I received despite that it clearly came from a shady source (sjxudnssjxu@fkzkakdn.bn.sk.ho.... Looks legit...)
When I got the phone I currently have in January of 2017 he told me he didn't want the app anymore. I took it as a sign that he was giving up on me and was devastated. But I always had the suspicion that he added it on somehow without me knowing it. At the time, I found that satisfying.
After waking up that fear terrorized me. He's calmed down trying to get ahold of me, so I have relaxed some in my paranoia. But occasionally i still rethink my word choice just in case *someone* is reading.
I still think about him basically every time I get a quiet moment: in a fitting room, at a red light, in my office, in the shower.
Recovery is a bitch.
i should have said this months ago but my main blog for sending asks and whatnot is @trop6ix! so if you see this user in your ask box it’s me y’all 😭
“daddy can you please pass the salt” with Elvis and ur dad LMFAOOOO
OMG YES!😂😳 I love it!
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You were at your parents's house because they had invited you to have dinner with them to know your boyfriend.
The time was passing well, you had a small talk with Elvis, it was Fun, it was your dad that was like questioning everything to Elvis, like "what do you want to do in the future?" "what is your current job?" and other question like this, your mother was smiling and talk a little too, obviously Elvis was super polite and always answer the questions with a little smile on his face.
After a while you were now almost finish and at some point you wanted to eat a salad but you couldnt find the salt, you then ask involuntarily..
"Daddy can you please pass me the salt?" after that, "yes sugar" "yes honey" they respond at the same time and moves their hands to grab the salt, the action was so fast that they didn't hear each other, your dad's hand grabs it first and then he looked over Elvis with a dead stare and Elvis was now freezed, you then look up from your plate and look at the situation that obviously you didn't expect, you blush.
"e-ehm..." Elvis clear his troath and moves away his hand, a little pink appears on his cheeks and he continues to eat his plate obviously embarassed, your dad was still staring at him then looks at you with a forced smile, you took the salt and thank him with a little voice, how awkward... Your mom was now looking at both of you and smile a little, your dad hum and put his hand on his nose, probably controlling himslef, you could feel the tension in the air....you were staring at your plate and you were sure as hell you wanted to disappear from there.
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If I was in that situation I would have already died inside! JESUS HOW EMBARASSING! 😂
Well i love taking request like this so keep going!
Tell me what you want me to write and i will, obviously i'll try my best to post soon as i can,so dont worry!
"Doctor... Im ill"
I need him... I need this doctor🩺
I opened this and Some random old lady glanced at it blushing and giggling like 🤭
So embarrassing
you give me a pencil while i’m reading a book and it’s suddenly comedy hour in the margins
American education fucked UP my geography and history. I live in the UK and couldn’t point to Scotland until a month ago.
@lilshineythingsworld feel free to make fun of me
forbidden croissants