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I only need a minute after you're done kicking me while I cower in fetal position. I just need to steady my breathing after you’ve finished and left me in a pile. I’ll get back to making dinner and it’ll be ready soon. Don’t worry.
"What? You think John* hasn't ever had to keep Jane* in line? You think I'm the only one who does this?"
* a couples friend of ours. Names changed.
d)
“I’m glad you haven’t completely lost your head.”
Stated after I mentioned I spent NYE watching HP with my mother, and far away from the types of things most people partake in - drinks, food, dancing, singing, midnight kisses, etc.
Blamed for my bruises
Every time he left a mark he became distraught. I would have to invest so much energy into consoling him - telling him it would be alright, I'd wear a turtleneck. No one would know.
He told me that he made calculated decisions about how hard to throw, squeeze, or hit and I was just too fragile.
Marks just showed up on my skin far too easy.
Self destruct x10
One of the requirements that had to be met before he could "forgive me" and we could get back together was he had to meet and surpass me in sexual partners.
I went through a period of hypersexuality in response to trauma during my youth and my number was higher than his.
He wanted me to find and offer up women ( including friends) for him to "have". Thankfully this never worked out, but he did fine on his own.
After every new woman he would have unprotected sex with me so that if he "got something" from them we would both have it.
That way he wouldn't have to suffer alone. After all, he was never the one who wanted this.
The Truth About Money
When I was running after him I was perpetually broke. I rarely spent a dime on myself, and if I did it was for him in a round about way (a personal trainer, aesthetics, etc). He blamed my inability to budget and poor spending habits.
About a year ago, I had an experience that first lifted the veil. If you are interested, you can read about it here. Shortly after that time I cracked down and prioritized saving; I prioritized it even over him because I had realized that I truly was alone.
That was the beginning of the end of his interest in me. After all, what good am I if I am not bankrolling his interests? He severed contact approximately three months ago. I wish I had done it, but unfortunately that wasn’t the way it went.
Since we’ve ceased speaking I have, in addition to saving more money than I have ever had for myself ever, paid off the remainder of my student debt, paid off my maxed out credit card, and taken 10% off what I owe on my line of credit. All the while having a modest social life.
I am not bad with money. He was bad with my money. He is bad.
Little things
You know, in the last 10 years I think I could count on one hand the number of times he asked me how my day was.
Oh yeah, I forgot.
I was helping my mother put up a picture not long ago. I was holding it against the wall while she made sure it was level when I lost my balance a little.
The frame scraped against the wall and took off a little bit of the paint.
Dread instantly surged. I began the instachorus of "Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm such a fool, I'm so bad at things, I'm so sorry, you just painted that , I feel so bad, I'm sorry."
My mother gave me a 'calm the eff down' look and said " don't worry about it, these things happen. We can fix it in a minute." Sure enough, after the picture was hung, she sanded lightly, got the remaining paint, handed me a little brush and we covered up the blemish. The whole process took about five minutes.
Oh, yeah. I forgot. Most people don't hit you for these kinds of things.
Bewilderment
I saw a musical recently; a tongue in cheek comedy based on a cult classic.
One of the characters was a real unsavory person - a liar, a pusher, a rapist and abuser. At the same time, he also facilitates some of the comedy, so it was not uncommon to laugh at one of his lines. One, however, really threw me off.
“I could kill you, you know!” he says to his lady companion who was pushing his buttons.
The audience laughed. I held my breath.
Word to the wise
I just watched I, Tonya this morning.
If you're a survivor of domestic violence or violence at the hands of your parents and you're still a bit triggery, I'd recommend not watching I, Tonya.