This Is Probably One Of The Most Embarrassing Things Ill Ever Post. This Was My List That He Gave Me

This is probably one of the most embarrassing things I’ll ever post.  This was My List that he gave me to complete in order for us to date again.  Complete this, and I would be forgiven. I believed it too, and allowed myself to be tortured in the pursuit. 

WOW

This red flag just smacked me in the face.

The reason I moved in with him in the first place was because his mother had kicked him out of his house. He had been attempting to help his sister, who was visibly frustrated, with something on her new laptop.  She got a bit snippy with him and he lost his temper.  He punched a chair which hit the wall and left a hole.

I was present for this event.  I saw it unfold.  I watched him punch something because his sister said “I knoowwww!” 

A running theme was that he didn’t like when people were “ungrateful” or didn’t acknowledge him when he was trying to help them.

Funny parallel:  I moved out with him so we could combine our measly incomes at the time and prevent him from having to live in utter squalor.  I was not ready to move out; I was still trying to finish my degree and school full time.  I had to pick up more shifts at my retail job and worked nearly full time.  My grades suffered as I was now a full time student, employee and abuse victim.

I sacrificed a lot for him to have a better life but that’s never a story that got told. Or a thank you I received.

Good days are bad too

Last night’s text.  He goes from not messaging me for months to baiting me almost daily.  Thus far I have not responded.

Yep.  I would love to say with confidence that I’d be here if he hadn’t left me, but I don’t think I would.

The phrase “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” can apply to terrible things too. You may not realize the amount of pain, depression, or abuse you are living through until you experience what life can be without it

Missed Experience

This last July I planned a trip for us to go up north to a popular camping/water sport destination.  He wanted an experience without me, so I had the perfect idea:  he always wanted to go scuba diving, and the idea sort of terrifies me – so perfect!  

I had everything planned:  The non refundable deposit was down for the scuba, the cute beachside hotel was booked. I’d picked out the restaurants, hikes, and other things we were going to do.  The weather was going to be beautiful.  Despite my anxiety owing to the fact that nothing was ever good enough, I felt that I had outdone myself with the planning.  It was going to be perfect.

However, the Tuesday before the weekend he wanted to grease the chain on his motorcycle.  I always helped him with it, even though he told me I was the most useless person for the job – he only chose me because he didn’t have anyone else.  What he had me doing wasn’t hard per say, but it was essentially two things at once.  It didn’t go as perfectly as he’d hoped and he lost his temper.

He screamed at me calling me a useless cunt and kicked a wooden stool.  In doing so, he fractured his toe.  Later he told me that it was a selfless act because he really wanted to kick me.  He broke his toe in lieu of my ribs.

He insisted that I cancel the trip I had spent weeks getting together due to his injury. I lost the deposit I made on the scuba diving and one night of the hotel.  I didn’t even bother mentioning it.

He blamed me and my incompetence for, once again, robbing him of an enjoyable weekend.