I Feel So Dumb. Why The Hell Is This Shit Not Being Processed And Understood In My Brain?????? I Know
I feel so dumb. Why the hell is this shit not being processed and understood in my brain?????? I know I'm generally dumb but being good in studies was what little pride I had left. Gosh I don't like being stupid. Yes I admit I get bored from being successful and getting good grades all the time but failure could and WILL ruin me. I give up easily and have a very weak will. I can't afford to lose the only thing I'm good at.
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“I didn’t realize it, but the days came along one after another, and then two years were gone, and everything was gone, and I was gone.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald, Babylon Revisted (via phreshouttarunway)
Being lonely sucks. But I shouldn't feel this way because God is always there for me. I swear I don't doubt God one bit and I know He is the only one I can depend on. But sometimes I need real life support. But that's useless because they're temporary. But I don't know how to do this. I fuck up so much, make so many mistakes, and REPEAT them a gazillion times. And some sins, I've gone waaay past the guilt stage that its become a necessity in my life. I know exactly what I'm doing wrong and what I need to do to change. But I don't have the will. For some reason going to hell isn't that frightening. I mean I know its an unimaginable punishment but honestly I can't bring myself to care. I never wanted to exist or be a part of this. I know no one did. But its so hard... It's so hard to live ... So hell doesn't sound so bad because living sucks anyways. This whole game sucks. Why did He make it so hard to be what He wants. I mean I know its only hard because I made it this way for myself. So I don't know... I don't know what to do to be honest...
Yes I'm fake.
Every action, every word. I don't sincerely mean any of it.
You bought this to yourself you know. You just had to keep reading the wrong things and imagining wrong things and being ashamed to ask God for help because you don't deserve it. Yes exactly. You don't deserve it. So quit complaining. The consequences for your actions are very little compared to what you do. When will you change?!! Yeah just stay as the loser you are. Stay in the same place while everyone moves on and lives and learns. You just stay there and be a useless existence.