What Resembles The Grave But Isnt, Anne Boyer // I Didnt Apologize To The Well, Mahmoud Darwish (trans.

what resembles the grave but isn’t, anne boyer // i didn’t apologize to the well, mahmoud darwish (trans. fady joudah).

Also self care SUCKS most of the time. Like it’s not fun at all. It’s doing the stuff you don’t want to, like cleaning your room, submitting that form, going to the gym that first time, having that conversation you avoided or making that call. It’s doing stuff that lets you unwind and stop worrying, and most of the time, that involves confronting and overcoming something you really would rather avoid.

me, in a downward spiral:

*self sabotage and high-risk behaviors*

41 -

Made myself go to a hot yoga class & it was HOT. I think I died and was reborn in that class lol. I used to do hot yoga consistently but have fallen out of it over the last 2 years (read: alcoholism, depression, drug addiction).

I’m all for finding what works for you and hot yoga is my thing. There’s something about dripping in sweat & heart pounding…but focused on the breath. The breath really is everything. I find a surreal peace in my mind. I can tune out my mind and the world and just stay focused on my breath. The here and now. It’s so much easier to focus on my breath when I’m on the brink of death (lol) in a class than it is in real life. Yoga has taught me so much about body awareness and how much of an impact our breathing has on our nervous systems.

I read this quote: the true measure of success is a calm nervous system. SO TRUE. As a self proclaimed ADHD poster child who “lives life on overdrive” (again, my therapist) — all I ever want is to feel calm.

Honestly, most of the time you could describe me as a wind up toy that just goes and goes and goes and goes, the song gets distorted and it starts to move all wonky, and then it crashes.

Anyway the class was what I needed. A sign. I needed to return to myself a little bit.

Started my day off with a super nutritious breakfast. I always feel like if my breakfast is solid then it sets the tone for the rest of the day. Like if I’m eating candy for breakfast, then I know my ass is going to be a lazy blob or a hot mess for the day lol

I also made myself get ready today, go on a long walk with my dog (she was the goodest girl) AND even sat down to look for jobs instead of putting it off like I have for months….go me!

Procrastination? We don’t know her!!!

My therapist suggested I write a response to a situation that has been weighing on my mental space for months. I did it & it felt very cathartic. Like the last piece of the puzzle so I can let. that. shit. go. Someone give my therapist a raise!! Jk don’t because I’m broke and can barely afford her.

(side bar: very very very thankful and privileged to not have to work during these early months of sobriety)

Going to bed with a serene feeling in my heart & my body. All I can ask for.

45 -

Warning: I got a lot to say (as usual).

I got married!! Again. Hehe, finally had our weekend we booked two years ago. It was absolutely stunning. But it was a lot. Can we normalize not wanting a big wedding or even a wedding at all? Can we normalize wedding anxiety? Can we normalize dreading big events?

Can everyone just understand that I had a difficult childhood so big intense emotions are terrifying for me and I usually use alcohol/drugs to tamp it down so I can still experience them, albeit distantly. Not excusing, just explaining.

Also - hello this shit is expensive! And we had a frugal wedding.

In the sense that, as a bride, I feel like I should be all sparkles in my eyes and over the moon and dancing on a rainbow - but really, it was my nightmare. My ADHD was in overdrive & the whole weekend felt like a blackout. Reading personal intimate vows in front of people? No thank you lol. Having all eyes on me? I’ll pass. Feeling immense pressure to have ONE perfect day? I’d rather crack.

But I did it anyway. I’m glad I did. And I did all the super emotionally intense parts, sober as a priest. Yay!

Some positives: I’m so lucky to have people who will travel just to celebrate with me. My mom made a speech…it was poetic & very sweet. She described me as “radiant, effervescent, and vivacious”. Like?????? :) I love a good vocabulary.

Umm my stepdad made a speech and he was a freaking VIBE. We haven’t always gotten along but he loves my mom fiercely & is so supportive of her. So I can’t really fault the guy, even if sometimes I’m just like *points to head* “wtf is going on up there?”. I also got some quality time with my extended family, whom I rarely see. They flew over two oceans and two continents just to be with me for this day! Like how amazing is that. :)

The whole night looked like something out of a fairytale with a bohemian theme and fairy lights. Turqoiuse waters & perfect white sand. It was dreamy and picturesque and beautiful.

On top of that, I have friends in all places - I’m not really a one group friend. So it’s a little unnerving to have everyone come together (Will they get along? Will there be drama? Will it be awkward? Will I be so focused on everyone else’s experience that I forget to enjoy my own? LOL but really)

But it was so so much better than I could have ever imagined. We all had a blast!

Speaking OF sobriety, yeah we broke that shit. I had my first alcoholic drink in almost 5 months. Now, those of the I bleed AA variety would freak out because yes, I relapsed. And omg haven’t I read the big book that says I can never ever ever have a drink again? What will Bill think? /s

But hear me out: I discussed my choice to drink with my therapist prior to actually doing it. I had a support system and a harm reduction plan in place. And, I’ve been doing a LOT of work in the last few months to identify, forgive, heal myself & limiting beliefs/negative thought patterns. Ya know, the ones that I used alcohol and drugs to cope with. I’m not anywhere close to where I’d like to be but I’m a hell of a lot farther away from who I used to be.

As my therapist put it: “It seems like this is a symbolic decision for you. Kind of like a “fuck you I am in charge of my life & I can make my own decisions and I don’t care what anyone else thinks”. She’s not wrong.

BUT BUT BUT here’s the best part! Yes I drank, however all it did was remind me of how shitty alcohol actually feels. I don’t miss the hangovers one bit. I enjoy feeling semi-stable in my emotional sense. I like feeling clear headed. Also drinking a lot makes you bloated and more susceptible to gaining extra weight. We want to be snatched always!!!!

I am going back to my life with no intention or desire to drink. No desperate wanting to escape. How freaking wild. Now what works for me may not work for anyone else - but again, sobriety & recovery are so unique to everyone. Everyone’s story starts from the same feelings, but recovery is not a one size fits all.

With all of that being said - I feel super good these days. Not in like a manic & overstimulated way, but a sort of quiet peace that comes with feeling like I am really loving myself for all that I have been, all that I am, and all that I will be.

I want to live my life & the idea of all the things I can do is exciting now. I no longer feel (constantly) like I’m drudging through the monotony of life. I know bad days will come. So will good days. Slowly but surely, I am creating new habits that take me further from my past and closer to the light of my future.

I came to the realization that who fucking cares? The world and the people in my life (though with the best of intentions) will tell me who they think I should be. Will tell me how to fit the mold. But I don’t care about fitting the mold anymore. I don’t want to apologize for having needs and existing. I have people who love all the little bits of me and have always loved them, despite my inner critic telling me I have to earn it.

I decide who I am.

I mean, there’s tons of awful fucking people in the world, who are still loved by someone. Like even Hitler had his main squeeze til the final breath. If that’s any consolation lol.

And just from a nerdy math perspective… statistically speaking, there are 8B+ people in the world. If 10 don’t like me or don’t get me, theres 10 more that do!

I trust my inner She to guide me to where I want to be and to attract the people that I need. These days I have faith.

Each day a little better and brighter.