Tired Of It, Somethings Gotta Change.

Tired of it, something’s gotta change.

CW: SUICIDE, ABUSE, MOOD SWINGS, DEPRESSION, VENT

Who the hell even am I anymore?

I don't find anything entertaining anymore, My special interest is becoming less interesting to me, and I feel like i'm going back to where I started 6 years ago. It's honest to god hell. I don't even feel like myself anymore.

One minute i could be euphoric and have a god-like mindset, almost similarly to how a troll feels after doing their thing, the next I could be thinking about killing myself on autopilot, the next I could be thinking about murdering some bitch who screwed me over, and that cycle keeps repeating, all within the span of a couple hours or days, and it's draining for me.

I can't even pick a career path because i still haven't figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life (tanks mrs. Smith for ruining that opportunity btw), and I'm pretty sure the reason why my girlfriend broke up with me is because she probably thinks I was abusing her or some shit because she couldn't handle how I was doing mentally (i was planning to break up with her either way because I already split from her but still hurts to think about).

And more recently i've had to come to the terms that my fp would rather see me fucking dead, and that she never wants to see me anymore (though i will be still checking her youtube page frequently cause.... why the hell not? she won't know. ), and plus, she knows I feel the same way as her currently, I had a friend of mine tell her so, but she probably doesn't care. she'll always view me as this terrible abusive person who wants nothing more than the suffrage of others, so atp, why am I still attached to her?? I gotta find a way to make myself split from her and find a new fp atp.

I'm just waiting till next week for my next therapy appointment because I may be more dependant on it than I thought. Might speak with her about setting up more appointment days or something.

I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not interesting, I'm not funny, I'm not talented. What the fuck am I.

"they say that it gets better, but I guess that was a lie, I get we all just fake it 'til we die. Sympathy and love, we can extend to someone else, but it's harder when you have to love yourself." ~ I deserve to bleed by Sushi Soucy

CW: PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOR MENTIONS, SUICIDE, ANXIETY, A FUCKTON OF SELF BLAME, VENT

---

You really want to know how i truly feel? fine.

I don't want to keep talking about my behavioral issues from 2021 and the accusations that came with that behavior. I know you guys are getting sick of it, trust me, I am too.

but if every single little thing in my life is just gonna keep reminding me of it

EVERY SINGLE DAY I BREATHE...

So be it.

I'm not even trying to be funny about it, anytime i think, no matter if my thoughts are just casual or intrusive, the memories are still there. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

And given how many bullshit apology videos are out there to basically blame the victims of a specific situation, I'm starting to question if making my own apology video is even a good idea anymore. I don't want to blame my victims or the witnesses for something that happened 4-5 years ago. It's not and never was their fault, at all. Even if i did make that apology video, all it'd do is just make more people angry at me, so what's even the point anymore?

And god forbid I relapse my problematic behavior and not realize it untill it's too late, because then i get told it's my fault that I'm suffering and probably at my lowest point in my life since 2020, and that I should just kill myself at this point.

And probably the worst part about it: It doesn't even matter if I get professional help to fix my behavior, it doesn't matter how much I hold myself accountable and try to repair the damage I've done. Nobody will view me as a human being thanks to what happened. Everyone will always view me as nothing more than the "tiktok bitch filthy fangirl that causes trouble for everyone" and basically avoid me like the plague.

To the people that cancelled me and/or made me this way in the first place: Congratulations, I hope you're fucking happy, because i'm 17 years old, meaning that i'm about to be an adult soon, and I don't want to get a job because I'm worried my digital footprint is ruined permanently, I can't sleep at night because all I can think about is how bad my future is gonna be, I don't want to go out or hang out with friends anymore because I'm scared to death they're gonna find out and leave me, and then convince other people to straight up avoid me and treat me like shit, and I think about killing myself almost on autopilot because I feel like i'm beyond repair and that I can't be saved.

The only reason why i haven't just up and quit by now yet is because of fucking Tony Crynight of all people. AND THAT EMOTIONLESS PUPPET INCEL DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING REMEMBER ME ANYMORE BECAUSE HE'S SO BUSY WORKING ON ANIMATIONS THAT ANY MEMORY OF ME HAS FADED INTO OBSCURITY.

...

Okay, maybe the incel comment was a little bit fucking over the top, but at the end of the day I'm just surprised people even talk to me anymore despite what happened in 2021. why do people even care about me anymore? for that matter, why are people even around me, even if they do know? Don't they know i'll just hurt them again? God, people are stupid.

Oh! and I know there's gonna be tons of people asking me "well, what DID happen back in 2021?" Trust me, it's for the best that you don't get the context. There's some of you out there that already know anyway.

Even I get sick and disturbed looking back at what happened..

I don't even know why i'm even making this post, considering i'm just getting more people involved into something they shouldn't, but fuck it at this point. My reputation's already fucked anyway.

I can't do this anymore.. Why am I even trying..?

---

(FYI: this isn't targeted at any specific individual, this is just in general. Thank you.)

---

You wanna know what genuinely makes my blood boil?

How whenever I talk about my negative views on relationships and how I have the constant belief that everyone hates me and is secretly talking shit about me, people tell me that "oh you're invalidating my feelings! " "I'm not a bad friend" "You're being a dick!"

Yet when I call out someone for invalidating how I fell, I get told that it's not invalidating and that I'm the one making this an issue, and it just- AUUGGHHHHHH!!!

It also pisses me off how people can act the exact same way and not get shit for it whatsoever, but when I act like that, all of a sudden I'm a bad friend who's selfish?? FUCK THAT!

idc if some of these people have good intentions or not. If you tell me that you care for me and love me, and then turn around and get mad at me for still having negative views on my friendships, that is not "love", you're just being ableist.

It feels a lot like people are targeting ME specifically because I happen to have BPD, and idk if i'm overreacting or not but that really says something about these people's actual views on BPD.

I hate how people also expect me to be able to control those feelings, like genuinely what the ACTUAL fuck...

Someone can give all of their time an attention for the rest of their lives, and yet I will STILL perceive them ignoring me or their tone changing one day as a sign of them hating me, that is how my brain works.

I feel like people forget that one of the main symptoms of BPD is an instability in relationships, and that also comes with an unstable perception of those relationships. IT'S ONE OF TH MAIN CRITERIA FOR FUCK SAKE!!! It also comes hand-in-hand with paranoia too, which makes it worse because once you get into the thought, it's difficult to snap out of it.

idk man, I just wish people actually, you know, made my emotions feel valid???? God I hate people sometimes...