CW: SUICIDE, ABUSE, MOOD SWINGS, DEPRESSION, VENT

CW: SUICIDE, ABUSE, MOOD SWINGS, DEPRESSION, VENT

Who the hell even am I anymore?

I don't find anything entertaining anymore, My special interest is becoming less interesting to me, and I feel like i'm going back to where I started 6 years ago. It's honest to god hell. I don't even feel like myself anymore.

One minute i could be euphoric and have a god-like mindset, almost similarly to how a troll feels after doing their thing, the next I could be thinking about killing myself on autopilot, the next I could be thinking about murdering some bitch who screwed me over, and that cycle keeps repeating, all within the span of a couple hours or days, and it's draining for me.

I can't even pick a career path because i still haven't figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life (tanks mrs. Smith for ruining that opportunity btw), and I'm pretty sure the reason why my girlfriend broke up with me is because she probably thinks I was abusing her or some shit because she couldn't handle how I was doing mentally (i was planning to break up with her either way because I already split from her but still hurts to think about).

And more recently i've had to come to the terms that my fp would rather see me fucking dead, and that she never wants to see me anymore (though i will be still checking her youtube page frequently cause.... why the hell not? she won't know. ), and plus, she knows I feel the same way as her currently, I had a friend of mine tell her so, but she probably doesn't care. she'll always view me as this terrible abusive person who wants nothing more than the suffrage of others, so atp, why am I still attached to her?? I gotta find a way to make myself split from her and find a new fp atp.

I'm just waiting till next week for my next therapy appointment because I may be more dependant on it than I thought. Might speak with her about setting up more appointment days or something.

I wonder how long it would take @tonycrynight to notice if I just.... stopped being active online all together.

Why am I even asking this?? he doesn't care, he's too busy with his animations that I'm just another number to him. A meer fan amongst the 2 million he has. But at the same time, if that's the case then why the fuck am I so attached to him even if he'd rather his son was dead than queer?

I guess he just likes to do that with people..

Tbh i can't really help it, i'm practically so attached to him that the thought of losing him makes me want to kill myself, and anytime he even bats an eye to me it feels like I've been saved by jesus christ himself.

God I hate having BPD sfm... /srs

CW: VENT

i just want to give up already. I don't even know who i am anymore.

remembering the fact bpd is considered a terminal illness and my own brain is trying to constantly kill me. im never going to be okay.

no one talks about the rage you feel when u realize that every adult in your life has failed u

Omw to go cut everyone off and self isolate :3