One Day You Will Wake Up And There Won't Be Any More Time To Do The Things You've Always Wanted Do It

One day you will wake up and there won't be any more time to do the things you've always wanted Do it now.

- Paulo Coelho

Piece of peace ..

life like everything is a balance of both good and bad stuff.. I'm not special, that is why my life's too pretty much a balance between good and bad.. one thing I kinda realised about good stuff is (or the stuff that makes me happy or content is) they don't have to be grandiose.. A lil reminder of good memories or an old song I've written last summer or sometimes just a cool breeze would brighten up my mood.. whereas the bad stuff they're intense, some stubborn reasons hanging on to my mind making me numb, my mind freezes at a time stamp while the time as always goes on.. I feel stuck, anxious, idk what to do, I feel like I'm being wasteful.. this little observation made me realise that when I'm happy I'm not even overly happy, I'm not overwhelmed I'm just content or at peace, resting both my body and mind, and I don't even need a particular reason to be.. while being sad, I suffer a lot, it needs a reason and it haunts me for days due to that one single reason.. so the moral of the story is .. happiness is easy to be found, while the darkness you're stuck in, is actually hard to attain, so why don't you happily ignore your terrors and be at peace by simply breathing or by simply existing and savoring the moment.. u have many reasons to be happy or peaceful but u chose to pick that one single reason to be sad.. rethink.. reconsider your choices.. and rejoice your life..

(p.s. being sad as a whole is not a bad concept.. nobody's being happy all the times.. I'm talking bout the kind of sadness which is worn out but we still stubbornly stick to it and get stuck in it.. a lil deep breaths would really help to get out of that brain fog, if not totally, it helps to start at the least!)

The Last Summer Dairies (intro pt2!)

(back then..) in the events of capturing the moments only with pen and papers and addressing it along with my opinions, I forgot that I've got nowhere to keep them all in one place. Everything was here and there, scattered around, wrapping me up like a cacoon. So i thought why can't I just put them all together in one place, in one book.

Memories from somewhere in the middle of May to until today (when I wrote this) marking the starting of July past 10 days! I had them all in pieces.. no order, no dates, I don't even remember when I wrote the oldest of few. So I'm putting all the pieces together randomly cause each and every one of them is a standalone.

This journey of collecting all those spilled moments of memory fragments, put together into one big piece is exciting and interesting! So let's dig into the past reminiscing the moments which then were only captured on papers. And we bring them all together and make this binding collection of dead trees all fresh and crisp, just ready to be stained by my beautiful moments in ink!

Happy or sad, every moment is beautiful in its own way and I would never want it to be anything else, I would never want it to be changed even in the slightest..

- 10 july, 2023

Tags : #the last summer diaries

Am I overreacting ?? The question that haunts me constantly to the point idk if my emotions are valid, and so i ended up bottling 'em up till I was named the "cold emotionless rock at heart girl' all for hiding the little girl and her emotions inside the deepest corners of my heart and mind so that I can fight the reality while keeping her safe. The only way out for the suppressed emotions was to write 'em all, pouring every little thing I felt, staining the papers not only with ink but with many forbidden thoughts and forgotten feelings.

One of such overflowing midnight thoughts :

OVERREACTING??

Why shall I just react when I can overreact?

when I feel the flooding sarrow that's weighing my heart till I can't stand myself, why shall I just say 'I'm sorry' for things i never did or why shall I forgive, instead of writing a 50 page essay about how messed up you are to make me sick at mind and throw it on your face?!

when there's a 1000 volcanoes erupting inside me burning my insides to ashes till there's nothing left to feel, why shall I just say shut up and leave as if nothing happened when i can shout till I make ur ears bleed and ur eyes tear with guilt for the horrors you made me live in ?!

When I felt like a broken glass with a million pieces shattered around too afraid to walk on but too weak to pick them, why shall I cry in a corner voicing down my tone to not get caught hiding my pain when I can shatter your non existent pride making you aware of the deeds that brought me terror for your great satisfaction?!

...

Sometimes

Lonely nights and racing thoughts.. a midnight thought dump..

Sometimes i wonder why was I even born.. And sometimes I'm just happy cause I'm born.. Life can get hectic but it is my life after all.. I feel 'to live' is already a boon.. Bad days come and go.. Good days come and go.. At the end of the day it's my life.. Good or bad.. it's my day..

Sometimes i wish i was born as someone else.. Someone popular.. or beautiful.. or better.. or richer.. or intellectual.. or anyone but me.. But sometimes I just like to be myself.. I could be anything.. i could've been born as anyone else.. but I'm glad I'm just me.. I'm not perfect nor am flawless.. I'm just me.. and i feel it's attractive of me.. Being myself.. being me.. is attractive to me.. I mean if everyone is unique in their own sense.. Then I love my uniqueness.. the same thing that irks me sometimes.. and annoys me many times.. but makes me ME everytime..

Sometimes i wonder what a world would look like without me.. for everyone else it might be the same.. with or without me.. but to me it'd be so boring to even think of a world without me.. because I wasn't even there in it, a world without me, a world- wait! I'm my own world, my mind is my own universe, so a world is not even a world without me, how can I even think about a world without me.. for me a world without me.. Me-less.. is not even a world to begin with.. there's no world to me without me..

Sometimes i wonder if my life is even worth living.. and sometimes i wonder what did i even do in my past life to live this life.. the same life.. but different thoughts and different emotions.. it takes too much to make me hate my life.. and it takes just a single light bulb to lighten my mood and exude gratitude for having that same life.. loving my life is lot easier, while the chaos make me sick and hate my life, they also make me understand how luckier I am to have a life where the chaos never last forever.. it could've been a chaotic life but it is just a balance between chaos and peace.. I'm luckier to feel the chaos that makes the peace even better than it normally is.. I'm haply that I'm just alive..

- 16 sept, 2024.. 12:45am..

Dostoevski once said; "Isolate as much as you want to become stronger, even if you see that loneliness is an unbearable hell, it is much better than the multiple masks of humans" And he was right.