Bpd Traits - Tumblr Posts
I hate how I can be screaming for someone to leave, backing away from them and screeching sounds of torture as they get closer, feeling like they’re burning me alive, and yet feel myself falling to bits as they go, dragging a part of me with them and leaving me feeling so empty and so so cold and numb
having bpd and being self aware is actually crazy like it feels like i'm watching a train wreck unfold and i can't do anything to stop it
All the people who tell their friends I hate you/kys “jokes” shut the fuck up you’re in time out
Every professional psychiatrist/psychologist I’ve ever met have always assumed my attachment to my mum was too dependent and tried to treat me based on that which is why it was wild that I went to two sessions with a specialist in my disorders who immediately told me that I showed all the signs of having no attachment to anyone in my life especially my mother.
That’s a lot of learned behaviours added to exacerbate an already awful attachment style.
When you have an under-researched disorder people miss so many important things that could have helped you much sooner because they just assume the obvious.
Don’t be afraid to push back when you know they’re missing something important. It’s your brain they’re messing up.
Ever since I found out that we get suicidal thoughts when the brain is put in a stressful situation and the amygdala (the part that makes emotion) takes over and stops rational thoughts being processed properly so that your only go to is your emotional “logic”, I have found it a lot easier to deal with.
Like we misclicked a button and the brain’s best solution was “guess we should just kill ourselves”?? Really?? It couldn’t think of any better solution than dying?? That’s some low grade brain shit just click another button and it’s fine.
Uncovering trauma is weird. Especially when you already knew it factually but it didn’t actually register as trauma for the longest time.
Like I uncovered memories of my abuser grabbing at my arms, holding me against him while I tried to escape, arm around my neck to hold me against his chest and all sorts a year ago but it didn’t actually occur to me until a few days ago that that was physical abuse.
Like… I knew it happened but I was just kinda super dissociated and idk. And then I was coming out of a therapy session where we sort of mentioned it and I was like shit. Wait. This a lil abusey.
ANYWAYS waiting for the next time this happens…
Our therapist was talking to us the other day about memories cos we have severe amnesia and she was saying how some memories will be appear when we’re ready, some will never appear and some might not have even begun to form in the first place because our brain decided it didn’t need them.
And like that’s so fucked up. It’s so fucked up that we don’t even get memories of what happened to us but we have to live with the consequences and it’s fucked up that things happened to us and the brain didn’t even try to process them so we’ll just never know.
So much of your sense of identity gets taken away due to trauma. Our abuser took our chance at having a childhood, took our ability to feel certain things, took our sense of stability and any kind of security and took our memories before they even existed.
That’s just so fucked up.