C Ptsd - Tumblr Posts
When she says that your arguments with your abuser were like watching a pantomime “oh yes it is” “oh no it isn’t” while she tried to stop it when what she’s referring to is actually you being frightened and trying to defend yourself while your abuser screamed emotional abuse at you and she stood watching the whole thing (oh and by the way this was going on from birth) :
🤨
Uncovering trauma is weird. Especially when you already knew it factually but it didn’t actually register as trauma for the longest time.
Like I uncovered memories of my abuser grabbing at my arms, holding me against him while I tried to escape, arm around my neck to hold me against his chest and all sorts a year ago but it didn’t actually occur to me until a few days ago that that was physical abuse.
Like… I knew it happened but I was just kinda super dissociated and idk. And then I was coming out of a therapy session where we sort of mentioned it and I was like shit. Wait. This a lil abusey.
ANYWAYS waiting for the next time this happens…
Had three nightmares in a row last night because my brain hates me 😊
i feel like for a lot of people, childhood is just… doing something that feels natural, the people around you getting extremely angry, not being able to defend yourself without more anger directed your way, and then being expected to forget about it and never mention it again 10 minutes later. And put like that… it’s easily understand as something an abuse victim would go through, but it’s just a general childhood experience. Or is it? Is it just me? I think it’s worse for neurodivergent kids but not exclusive. And I think most people forget how this felt as they age, and ultimately continue the cycle with their kids or others kids, but I just… never forgot. Yes I’m only 19 but I don’t think I should remember this well. How it felt. The confusion and sadness
One day it's gonna happen and one day everyone will see
I'm the same girl I was
How do I erase these pictures that stay for ever. I erase myself.
It's aches
Things about sibling abuse:
-They tell you it’s childplay or sibling rilvary, nothing serious. They don’t fuckingn understand
-How the fuck are people friends with their siblings?
-It’s such a rare form of abuse, never spoken about, never taken seriously. It’s the most isolating fact of your world
-You feel guilty for valueing friends over family. Or you don’t.
-People tell you you’ll eventually choose family over friends, that “blood is thicker than water”. They can go fuck themselves
-If it’s sexual abuse, it’s subjectively the most shameful way to be touched
-If it’s sexual abuse, you masturbate to porn that mirrors your trauma (incest), or masturbate to the trauma itself. When you’re done, you feel so guilty and dirty that you dissociate.
-If it’s abuse committed by an older sibling, you count years until they move out.
-It quite possibly creates boundary issues where you forgive people on the spot but forever hold resentment toward your sibling(s)
-If it’s emotional or mental/psychological abuse, you feel uneasy even on their days where they’re not being manipulative and whatnot
-If it’s physical abuse, you hide around the house, having panic attacks in every corner
-If it’s physical abuse, you don’t take the “physical discipline” discourse lightly, done by parents to their children. It’s just fucking evil and no one understands
-You fear having friends over. Either because it’s embarrassing to witness, or because they’ll see your sibling(s) acting all nice and sweet, and never believe you. They’ll take their side and befriend them.
-You (might) have the dilemma of wanting people to like your siblings because you know they’re not monsters and that they changed, but you also want people to know what they did and take your side.
-If your sibling has a disorder, your parent probably defends them for it and says that it’s not their fault, even though your abuser’s illness should NEVER excuse what they did/do to you
-You are insulted and disgusted and want to cry when your parents accidentally call you by their name or vice versa. You’re terrified of becoming them/being like them/being compared to them.
Can I talk about my relationship but ✨without the paranoia that people are picturing me having sex✨
In my tragic heart, there’s nothing more disgusting than this depression
I wish you knew how much of a horrible person you were towards me; I wish you knew how much of a horrible person you continue to be.
All you people know is how to hurt me in irreparable ways
My friends really have that “go be sad somewhere else” vibe
Can people please validate the abuse some people endure in friendships? Legitimate abuse, especially emotional. And can people validate the abuse in relationships with siblings as well? Can we just validate every single form and source of abuse ever and get its victims help?? I’m sick of it being limited to certain people, it can happen from anyone, to anyone.
when something stupid, small, insignificant happens and it triggers paranoia and/or flashbacks.
no yeah, i’m perfectly okay- i’m fine after this quite honestly dumb and unimportant event;
however i am going to shake, feel like my heart will beat out of my chest, be scared everyone hates me and is after me, that im public enemy #1, with nowhere safe.
Villains are created... they were never born.
Watch how you treat and mishandle people. Hurt and broken people tend to cause trauma in others. You cannot preach love and light while also aiming to destroy others. Once you break someone it can take a lifetime for them to put the pieces back together, if they ever do.
' Take them with you...'
' Why? They're just trash. '
Christmas '23
And everything I loved, I loved alone.
I think I threw our sunflower bracelets in the trash. You didn't even take yours with you.
You talk about you're not the girl that loved me.. Well where was she? I never saw her. I was your friend when you had none. Your therapist when you wouldn't go. A body to dump all your trauma on then berate and yell at saying I didn't care when I had my own mental health to take care of. I was the attention you needed when your S/O's weren't doing right for you.
The last option, always the last option.
Loved me? You never loved me. You never even took the time to learn a thing about me.
Today is the day my mom took her life.
She was 31. There's no existing photos of her...
In 2 months I will officially have made it past both my parents ages. The youngest child.
It's surreal.
This year was a tough one. But I made it. I've been counting birthdays since I was 27.
Someone could have saved my mom from everything she went through and no one ever did. I'm not angry at her. I get it. I understand why she used to escape the life she had. I'm deeply hurt I was put in so many of the situations I was put in as a kid because she couldn't pull herself out of her own. I didn't deserve it. But neither did she. She was only doing the best she could, until she couldn't anymore.
Her birthday is on the 11th.
My sister's birthday is also today, so the whole thing is just so shitty.
Thanks for all the life lessons I guess.
I just realized how C-PTSD can really mess up your life. And it's the little things.
I was just thinking how hungry I am at the moment, but it's already 7pm, well past the time of dinner in our house-hold.
My first thought wasn't what I want to eat, what I crave, or that I have to go out into the kitchen. No. It was that what my mother would think and say again, when she hears me having food that late. And everything that might come after this first reaction of hers.
But then I thought, why am I thinking in such a way? So I got out of bed, pondered on this whole psychological reaction, eat my bowl of cereal, and wrote this post.
Your traumas won't leave, fade, nor will you forget about them. They'll just learn to blend into your everyday life, subconsciously keep you in anxiety and fear, in constant doubt. However, it is possible to distinguish this from real danger, so you can step on the path of recovery.
It's you against yourself, the self that casts the shadows of the past into the light of present.
Your experiences won't ever leave you, but you can leave them behind concluded, as a life phase.
Just think about it. For a second, think.
I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.
Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.
I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:
Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.
Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.
Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)
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