Drug Addikt - Tumblr Posts
when you’re so high you start wondering if a real life is when you’re not sober
Today is the day my mom took her life.
She was 31. There's no existing photos of her...
In 2 months I will officially have made it past both my parents ages. The youngest child.
It's surreal.
This year was a tough one. But I made it. I've been counting birthdays since I was 27.
Someone could have saved my mom from everything she went through and no one ever did. I'm not angry at her. I get it. I understand why she used to escape the life she had. I'm deeply hurt I was put in so many of the situations I was put in as a kid because she couldn't pull herself out of her own. I didn't deserve it. But neither did she. She was only doing the best she could, until she couldn't anymore.
Her birthday is on the 11th.
My sister's birthday is also today, so the whole thing is just so shitty.
Thanks for all the life lessons I guess.
Tw: drugs, sh, suicide
I made my mum cry 2 times today. And I feel guilty for it, but at the same time I just feel numb.
It's funny how hearing my perception of the world and her actions can make her cry when she always tells me that I have nothing to be sad about.
I think that she loves me, I just also want to feel it.
Feeling this numb is always a risky time, right now it would be so easy to just take a few more of my sleeping pills and leave.
I don't mind the pain I cause other people when I can't feel it. It's freeing to not care and cater to everyone's needs, but I also loose everything that makes me me.
I have to get out of this state or it could get dangerous. Maybe I'll make myself bleed again, relapse after more than two weeks again. Or I could drink, wake up tomorrow not remembering anything and with a headache that will kill me. Or maybe I should just smoke some weed. Relaxing and unwinding, caring even less but in a nice way. Getting lost in the smoke and my own mind.
I don't know. I probably shouldn't do any of it. I know I shouldn't. But keeping me alive takes killing me slowly.
