Ptsd Recovery - Tumblr Posts

Compilation of tips i learned during years of managing treatment-resistant bpd

1.) challenge your thoughts productively not critically; beating yourself up for the sake of "doing better" is in fact not going to help you do better

2.) accept yourself for where youre at. Dont deny the unpalatable sides of your behaviors, when you accept them wholeheartedly they very quickly calm down. Acceptance is not inherently synonymous with condoning

3.) Dont begrudge yourself. Right now social media internet culture makes it normalized that you cant have mistakes, or else youre irredeemable. this leads to people knocking others down to compensate for the fact they might mess up themself, and to be honest imo this is mostly kids and teenagers. i promise you there is no mentally ill child or teenager on earth that will ever be comparable to people knowingly abusing real authority & power in the real world

4.) dont begrudge others. You dont have to like people, but holding long-term grudges especially once they're out of your life will hold you down. Its ok to be angry, it is ok to mourn past or current relationships with people. Though when youre ready, attempt to reflect productively in a way that doesnt include "all good" or "all bad" statements. (black n white thinking)

5.) nuance; allow yourself to think in shades of gray. Do not confine yourself to one point of view. Regardless of if you like a situation/person/event/etc, having productive cognitive empathy is a really good thing for understanding the relationships and interactions in your life. For example, give yourself & others 'credit' by putting yourself in their shoes. This helps break down "this is unfair" confusion and abuse cycles that come with it. Often, in unfair situations, knowing my Real Point and the other persons' Real Point helps me manage those interactions or relationships. (99.999999% of fights Often the 'point' of convos get missed and people will spiral into nitpicking minute details unrelated or vaguely related at best)

6.) boundaries are about what you can do for yourself, not how you can influence other people's actions. You really cannot control other people, so dont rely on others to have the 100% foolproof response all the time to things that really matter to you. Its ok to walk out of friendships if they dont work, its ok to walk out if someone is not respecting boundaries you set, and boundaries dont always have to exclusively be and stop at "can u not do xyz" because ultimately you cant control others ever. Do what works for you

7.) its ok for people to drift, and its ok for people to come and go

8.) my fav advice; maybe it aint that deep just walk away. not worth it. no need to defend myself, gooodbyeeee strangers on internet who do not really care about niche social issues that they pretend to care and preach about amen

To everyone who’s ever been through trauma all I want to say is

That must have been so scary.

You can cry, you can be standoffish, you can struggle because you went through something so terrifying. It doesn’t matter how you deal with it. All that matters is that you deserve to feel safe and it’s so shitty that you didn’t.

Types of Boundaries:

• Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.

• Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?

• Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.

• Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.

• Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.

• Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.

It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:

• They put others’ needs and feelings first;

• They don’t know themselves;

• They don’t feel they have rights;

• They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship; and

• They never learned to have healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them. Any kind of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing. For example, my brother ignored my pleas for him to stop tickling me until I could barely breathe. This made me feel powerless and that I didn’t have a right to say “stop” when I was uncomfortable. In recovery, I gained the capacity to tell a masseuse to stop and use less pressure. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent, responsible adult.

You Have Rights

You may not believe you have any rights if yours weren’t respected growing up. For example, you have a right to privacy, to say “no,” to be addressed with courtesy and respect, to change your mind or cancel commitments, to ask people you hire to work the way you want, to ask for help, to be left alone, to conserve your energy, and not to answer a question, the phone, or an email. Think about all the situations where these rights apply. Write how you feel and how you currently handle them. How often do you say “yes” when you’d like to say “no?”

Write what you want to happen. List your personal bill of rights. What prevents you from asserting them? Write statements expressing your bottom line. Be kind. For example,

“Please don’t criticize (or call) me (or borrow my . . .),” and,

“Thank you for thinking of me, but I regret I won’t be joining (or able to help) you . . .”

“The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart. From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too. From all the lies and all the betrayals. You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point. Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE. You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right? You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you. Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak. So, you don’t trust anyone. And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people. To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable. “Never again,” you vow. But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall. Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. It’s a trauma response. The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed. You are worthy of having support. You are worthy of having true partnership. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of having your heart held. You are worthy to be adored. You are worthy to be cherished. You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise. You are worthy to receive. You are worthy to receive. You are worthy. You don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to prove it. You don’t have to bargain for it. You don’t have to beg for it. You are worthy. Worthy. Simply because you exist.” ~ Jamila White, @inspiredjamila

Before you dismiss yourself with a "well I'm used to it" consider that maybe you shouldn't have to be.

The Twelfth

For about three years we lived on a county road.  Our home was a detached “mother-in-law” suite on the property of a woman who really didn’t know how to maintain property.  

We had countless issues that never got resolved: the hot water heater purged itself onto the floor semi-regularly, the heat would suddenly and unexpectedly cease causing our pipes to freeze, the ceiling had holes in it that were supposed to be fixed before we moved in (hah) and we had a mouse problem like you’ve never seen.

He got me in the habit of romanticizing living in the middle of no where.  Parts of it I really did enjoy; I used to love running out there at night.  It was also quiet at night and dark, plus I could lay out on the back porch naked and no one was the wiser. 

But some of the very worst moments of my life are out there.

All those issues I listed above became the list of grievances he had against me.  We had to deal with these problems because I still wasn’t making enough money, and that was because I was a lazy stupid cunt with no ambition and no respect for him and how hard he had to work.

He screamed at me so hard some times that he gave himself a nose bleed.  I didn’t even know that was possible. The physical abuse really gained a foothold here, too.  

Which made sense.  There were fewer neighbours to hear me crying.

Amen

thinking that what happened “wasn’t bad enough” is a sign that it was.

your brain wouldn’t be trying to protect itself from the reality of what happened if what happened didn’t hurt you.

questioning if your trauma “counts” as trauma is a sign of trauma.

If you experienced trauma in childhood or had a rough childhood, dude listen to me. Offer yourself play. You were deprived of it.

Keep bubbles in the house, blow bubbles in the yard, blow them in your room, get a coloring book that doesn’t have to be an adult one with mandalas, watch cartoons, laugh at stupid things, dress up as a superhero for Halloween, wear a Santa hat on Christmas and big light up snowflake earrings, lay down on the floor, lay down in the grass, eat eggos for dinner sometimes. It’s not stupid. You’re not childish. You’re giving your inner child what they had taken from them. They deserve it.

Chapters: 6/? Fandom: Naruto Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Rock Lee/Reader, Rock Lee/Original Character(s), Hatake Kakashi & Reader, Hatake Kakashi & Original Character(s), Hatake Kakashi & Kakashi’s Ninken Characters: Reader, Original Non-Binary Character, Rock Lee, Hatake Kakashi, Hatake Kakashi’s Ninken, Maito Gai | Might Guy, Pakkun (Naruto) Additional Tags: Autistic Reader, Reader with OSDD, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Slice of Life, touch starvation, Reader is a past sex slave, Reader is a Child, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Yeah the topics are kinda heavy, Mostly mentions and innuendos, Nothing explicit, No Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suggested sequestration, only at the beginning, Triggering subjects will mostly be just mentions and some sex talk, Trans Hatake Kakashi, He’s casually trans, Genderfluid character in future chapters, Some characters have darker skin than in canon, Black kids wanna be ninjas too Series: Part 1 of Cameleon / Color wheel Summary:

“Daddy!”

Oh boy. When it started like that, Kakashi was ready for everything. From ‘My tentacles tickled me!’ to ‘My ankles are going bald!’, he didn’t look up from his book or even move from his comfortable spot on the couch. “Hm?”

“I need cuddles!” the excited kid almost yelled, their eyes flowing between different colors.

He opened his arms and let the kid cuddle up on him, a dog or two also coming in the embrace.

He was safe. They were safe. And they both were happy.

-Slice of life about an ex sex slave getting better and growing up. -Trigger warnings at begining of every chapter with tldr at the end.

Also posted on Wattpad where you get Studio Ghibli GIFs with each chapter.

John in therapy ~  | The Lying Detective

But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever.

Villains are created... they were never born.

Watch how you treat and mishandle people. Hurt and broken people tend to cause trauma in others. You cannot preach love and light while also aiming to destroy others. Once you break someone it can take a lifetime for them to put the pieces back together, if they ever do.

' Take them with you...'

' Why? They're just trash. '

Christmas '23

And everything I loved, I loved alone.

I think I threw our sunflower bracelets in the trash. You didn't even take yours with you.

You talk about you're not the girl that loved me.. Well where was she? I never saw her. I was your friend when you had none. Your therapist when you wouldn't go. A body to dump all your trauma on then berate and yell at saying I didn't care when I had my own mental health to take care of. I was the attention you needed when your S/O's weren't doing right for you.

The last option, always the last option.

Loved me? You never loved me. You never even took the time to learn a thing about me.

~ I said you were too much so you made yourself small ~

Tell them...

Tell them about the constant bouts of silent treatment you put me through when you wouldn't get your way or when I would beg for communication.

Tell them...

Tell them how you told my ex my depression was a burden, I wouldn't let you leave the relationship or I would threaten suicide, pretended to leave me just to trigger it ( all so you could take screenshots of the manipulation to send to her and call me crazy, while simultaneously telling me you love and 'I can't believe I almost lost you')

Tell them...

Tell them how my ex sent me videos of all the conversations so when I saw everything you were doing to me, I immediately left out of respect for myself because I WAS NOT going to be abused any longer.

Tell them...

Tell them how to this day you take ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY.

Tell them...

Tell them how a few months later you said you did and said all of that ' because you were lashing out'. That it was a symptom of your BPD. How everything was always your BPD.

Tell them...

Tell them how you begged me to stay. Begged me to go to therapy after I saw the video. And when you realized I was putting myself first, you immediately switched to attacking me and tearing me down.

Tell them.

Tell them the truth.

Today is the day my mom took her life.

She was 31. There's no existing photos of her...

In 2 months I will officially have made it past both my parents ages. The youngest child.

It's surreal.

This year was a tough one. But I made it. I've been counting birthdays since I was 27.

Someone could have saved my mom from everything she went through and no one ever did. I'm not angry at her. I get it. I understand why she used to escape the life she had. I'm deeply hurt I was put in so many of the situations I was put in as a kid because she couldn't pull herself out of her own. I didn't deserve it. But neither did she. She was only doing the best she could, until she couldn't anymore.

Her birthday is on the 11th.

My sister's birthday is also today, so the whole thing is just so shitty.

Thanks for all the life lessons I guess.

If there is a god, he will beg for my mercy. I do not need God’s forgiveness. He needs mine.

Rachel Cain

let the state of being undefined play out

Em C Last night coulda ended on a better note Thanks anyway cos i still had fun I look at you, i didn't wanna see u go Broke something good again, what have i done?

F Em Do you have the energy To listen to me? But i gotta let it be I gotta simply be

Em C Bare hands tryna catch smoke It's no use, let the daylight burn When the night comes and the lights burn low You'll see the lessons are finally learned

F Em Babe i have the energy is what you say to me We're gonna let it be We're gonna simply be

Em C Tonight we finally on the flow state of understanding and broke the patterns Confusion fades away to show Curiosity, liberty, a point of no return

Do you guys have a grounding box? What kinds of things do you use if so?

We do!! Though, we call it our sensory box. It's got a large mix of things we've collected over the years (and I do mean years.. we've got a baby rattle in here from childhood, lol)

essential oils and candles for scent based grounding

fidget toys: chewy things, pointy things, fidget spinners, fidget cubes, head scratcher, pop-it, putty

a kaleidoscope

stuffies: including three peas in a pod that we can throw at stuff without doing damage if someone's angry

puzzles: Rubik's Cube, one of those ball pushy things, and a couple metal puzzles

self harm alternatives: acupressure bracelets and rings, silicone slap bands, and some random keys haha

and a letter from my mum about how much she loves us (as a system)

and the box is decorated with things that make us happy!!

today was a high anxiety day for me and I've been fighting tears. I wanted to make a list of things I am grateful for lately to help.

☆ food we got from the truck yesterday (mainly flour to make desserts with)

☆ our youngest dog calming down and not being as reactionary as he used to be

☆ new friend I made at church and her familly being welcoming and loving

☆old church friend I have been able to reconnect with

☆ the beautiful area I get to live in

☆ bugs

☆ my good and caring pcp who was able to get me a higher dose of my medicine

☆ how much progress I've made with my struggles

☆my sister letting me use her computer to play minecraft

A Musing Monday 🎐

Today I am musing on too many things! 😵‍💫

My brain feels crowded by little rabbit holes and I keep catching myself fully lost in them to the point where im getting salty or spicy or sad over imaginary scenarios. Ive been having more nightmares than usual lately, too. So I guess what im going to muse on today is processing things (I'll leave musing on innovation and the way its weaponized against the working class ((one of the rabbit holes🐰))for another monday)

WHY am I circle-thinking about stuff like 'what would I do if I was stuck in the past?' 'why didnt the industrial revolution provide more ease and profit for every class' or 'how would I convince strong people to protect me if I was in an apocolypse situation?' 😣💫

Now take this with a grain of salt, I may have a psych degree but im not a researcher or anything (just a nerd with autism 🤓); my brain is using fictional scenarios to practice processing🎭🧮. It feels the need to practice because there's a LOT within my brain thats unprocessed right now (hello trauma, hello issues with finding a better job, hello feeling very vulnerable lately). 👋😩

Our brains are solving machines geared to find the answer🤖, and when that answer is not immidiatly available we may experience things like nighmares and intrusive thoughts and maladaptive daydreams to try to get an angle on The Thing thats not processed.🔬

Thinking about The Trauma directly often puts the body in a stress mode thats not condusive to creative problem solving📉. Like being stressed is literally counterproductive to solving bc we go into 🔥survival mode🔥where fight flight etc are The Options Available. Imagining yourself in a historical fiction situation is not a 1-1 ratio to 'what exactly happened when abuse appeared in MY past' and but ya know what, its close enough for our brains to bring it up as a substitute. 🤷

And the fact that our brains have this reaction to The Bad Thing is interesting in itself. 🤔 Why are some bad memories just things that happened, and some are so triggering your mind would rather process terrifying nightmares every night than just.. face The Memory? 🫠 Like it's over, it can't get you now, the past is dead, right?

The solution? Well obviously it looks a bit different for everyone, particularly depending on where you are on your path. 🧭 Like if you have nightmares/intrusive thoughts/maladaptive daydreaming and dont uh... dont have any trauma coming to mind that aint my place to tell you whats next 🤐. I can only really mind my own gourd here and MY next step is Accelarated Resolution Therapy🗃, which is often used with war veterans with ptsd, to store my truama memories in a better, less triggering way. 📈

Well it turns out that memories like to be filed away by our senses 📂. Like memories sit best and retrieve easier (lets take xmas as an example🎄) if you're remembering the smell of xmas dinner, the sound of wrapping paper, the bite of the cold outside and the taste of hot coco✨️. When memories store poorly, as they usually do with trauma 😔, your body is not just remembering- it is acting as if You Are Still There. 💥📍

Infact to prepare for ART, I have had to purposly bring up all my old memories 😬, which has in turn signalled my brain to circle around pseudo truama thoughts when I'm 'at rest' in attempt to solve whats not really 'solvable' and with that weve gone fuuull circle on my musings here lmao ➿️

I got two weeks until that all important therapy session and until then I figure my brain is gonna keep trying to hampsterwheel 🐹🎡, but perhaps my loop will inspire something within you, or help you out of a loop, or perhaps make you realize you’ve been in a silent loop for awhile now.. 🔄👁👁

In anycase, thank your brain for me! Particularly if its doing these things I described above. It's trying so hard to help and protect you 🧠🫶 My apologies for giving it something so tough to chew on this Monday lmao 😅 Stay safe out there 🫂

(I don't have a taglist for my Monday posts yet, hmu if you want to be tagged on these zanny adventures plz)