Personal Journey - Tumblr Posts

Starting today…I announce myself to be in my so-called “Depressive Era” where everything will be now colored black and white…I have already changed my pictures I have taken or saved on my other devices to black and white as well…why is this happening you may ask? I’m not sure…I’m on this personal journey of some kind—of self-reflection, discovery and to find out more about myself and how I act towards others…the reason why I don’t have any physical friends and I’m stuck at home day in and day out is probably the culprit…I’m stuck of having an online community instead…and I’m thinking it’s for a purpose...

It’s like when artists post something about their upcoming album and a specific theme of THAT album is spread all over their other stuff, indicating that they’re about to release something big…it’s like that…the theme of my “depressive era” is black and white…

Of course when I reblog something it’ll be in it’s natural color…but whenever I post something I will have to have it black and white colored…some posts can or will be black and white…you never know…so if you don’t mind this change then I thank you!

My blog theme is already black and white colored so I won’t have to do anything there...

But I also thank you for being part of this journey and hopefully my “depressive era” will end soon...

I’m getting really close to breaking 200 lbs

I’ve gained about 20-30 lbs since mid-March 2020. My currently weight is around 195 lbs. As I’ve said in a couple previous posts, I consider my max weight limit to be <250 lbs. I’ve definitely been snacking more than I used to, and it’s showing up. I find myself eating more during meals and “grazing” more around mealtimes. Like, I’ll select a core meal, and after that’s done, I’ll continue to peruse the fridge and cupboards to find more things to shnuddle on. Most of my weight seems to settle in my belly. But I’ve noticed some more subtle changes to my body, some positive, some negative:

My thighs seem to be the second area where I’ve noticed significant expansion. My inner thighs are beginning to rub together more (not enough to chafe, yet, which I do not enjoy). But enough to realize I’ve filled out a bit.

In the shower, I’m finding it harder to reach certain spots on my body. Kinda on the fence about that.

My chest is definitely fuller. I like that aspect cuz it makes me feel kinda “powerful.” There seems to be some added fullness where my chest meets my armpits.

I’ve gotten (muscle) cramps from yawning and stretching for a while now, but with the added weight, those seem to happen more easily. They’re not fun...

I don’t want my body to be entirely flabby, so I might start doing exercise to tone up. I enjoy cycling, so there’s that, but I think I would gravitate primarily toward bulking right now.

Broke 200 lbs this week...

I think I’ve officially passed 200 lbs this week! I think eating fast-food on top of my packed lunch has been a major contributing factor. I typically order the same thing from Burger King, the Bacon King sandwich - which is the most high-calorie item on BK’s menu, a whopping 1,150 kcal - with a medium/large order of fries (depending on my mood). I’ve tried getting soda with my meal, cuz I know that’ll help my gaining, but I just don’t really enjoy how it makes me feel afterward - too bloated and sugar high. I also occasionally order an Oreo chocolate milkshake to go with my meal...

But also, my brother-in-law loves to cook (as do I), and when he does, it tends to be extravagant. So there’s that, too. Tonight he cooked smoked chicken wings, with sweet potato waffle fries and veggies, with a side salad. And for dessert, he made double chocolate brownies and caramel brownies, which I had with vanilla ice cream. Needless to say, I was pretty damn stuffed.

Nursing a food baby still. My stomach still seems slightly bloated, and it’s making small gurgling noises. It feels slightly softer than it used to be. I can feel my underbelly resting on my lap a bit. I think I’m starting to feel ever so slightly softer all around, but it’s especially noticeable in my gut, my thighs, and my chest.

I’m interested in doing some strength training exercise in order to firm up a bit, cuz I don’t just wanna be a blob. Maybe some flexibility exercises, too, just to stay limber. I don’t necessarily want to sustain my growth with junk food all the time. But I still enjoy eating big, so even home-cooked meals will probably keep my weight on the rise. My max limit is currently 225 lbs. I’m now about 25 lbs away...

Body Journal #1

I currently weigh around 205 lbs (~93 kg). Like I’ve said a few times on here, I’m a casual gainer. I’m not hardcore gaining or constantly stuffing myself to reach my goal weight. I’m more or less just kinda eating “generous” helpings of food and letting the weight creep on slowly. At this point, I have 225 lbs (~102 kg) as my max weight. Any more than that and I think there’d be much more serious health problems and discomfort that I don’t wanna have to deal with. My belly is my most prominent feature as a gainer. I am just barely starting to get an overhang where my belly droops down slightly over my waistband. I’ve gone out a notch on my belt, just so my belt doesn’t dig into my belly while I’m driving or sitting for an extended period of time. Size M shirts are starting to fit tight on me.

My thighs are my second most prominent feature. They seem bigger, a bit more jiggly. The bottom hem of my boxer briefs fit snugly around my thighs. I seem to have graduated out of size M and into size L.

My diet is very carb-heavy. I visit Burger King almost religiously on workdays when I’m out on the road. It’s been a while since I’ve brought a packed lunch from home. That’s actually something I want to get back in the habit of doing. Eating a lot of carbs, I’ve noticed I get an uncomfortable “lump” in my throat, perhaps from heartburn/acid reflux. Water doesn’t wash it away, in fact it makes it worse. I want to incorporate vegetables and fruits into my diet, because I do enjoy them (especially steamed or sautéed veggies). I may not necessarily reduce my carb intake but I might change the kinds of carbs I’m consuming. Even a hungry, growing boy like me gets tired of fast food all the time. I want to get back into home cooking again...

Body Journal #2

I’m fast approaching my old record highest weight of 208 lbs. Dealing with a major food baby rn cuz I had two generous helpings of stuffed shells for lunch. Also had a side salad with a bit of Thousand Islands dressing over it. Not sure what I’m doing for dinner (if I’ll even eat anything cuz I’m so full!), but there are two half gallons of ice cream in the freezer that I plan on digging into for dessert. Growing a bit of a ball belly now and my thighs are making contact with each other when I walk, though thankfully not chaffing. I looked in the mirror and my butt might be slightly fuller, but it’s hard to tell. Definitely not my main feature; that’d be the belly. My belly’s about the size of a basketball, or even a small beach ball! My love handles are officially filling out enough where they’re a hair or two wider than the waistband of my pants. Yep, I’d say I’m definitely filling out, and it feels good! I bought Cooking Simulator on Steam the other day. Been getting inspired again to do some home cooking. The game is also making me realize why I would not be suited to being a chef at a restaurant.

Update: I have indeed graduated to size Large in flannel shirts! I’ve started wearing a sweatshirt underneath my flannels, not only to keep warm, but it also makes me feel/look larger.

Fall is approaching, and I’m looking forward to seeing how tight my button-up flannel shirts are gonna be. Last I knew I wore a size Medium shirt, but I’m sure I’ve graduated to Large now!

Body Journal #3

So, I think I've finally broken my old record of 208 lbs. I now weight around about 210 lbs. So, that means that if I gained 15 more pounds or so, I would reach my loose goal/max comfortable weight goal of 225 lb! I haven't been really going hard-core with gaining, more of a casual, steady gain. I check my weight often, but I don't record or keep strict track of it. I think honestly, I find the experience of stepping on the scale and reading the number that comes up is what turns me on moreso than whether or not I'm on track with gaining.

I have to buy size Large shirts now, and 38" waist pants. My work pants are all 36" and they're getting tougher to squeeze into. My winter coat is a Medium, and it's a little too tight to zip up.

My belly overhangs a bit more noticeably over my waistband. My thighs are thick. I shaved my beard recently and I was kinda amazed how much rounder my face/chin looked. I don't quite have a double chin, but it's definitely thicker. Overall, I guess you could say I look well-fed, bigger than average.

I used to go to Burger King as a rule whenever I was out on the road, but I've recently been giving McDonald's a try. I like McD's breakfast items, and the triple cheeseburger's not so bad. I've settled on 1-2 triple cheeseburgers and a medium order of fries as my usual order. BK does better fries, in my opinion, but McD's aren't too bad. The cinammon bun is fun to eat, cuz of the glaze. Whenever I eat it, the glaze inevitably gets all over my mouth. It turns me on and I feel like a real big boy.

My Weight Gain Journey

I've never had abs. When I was in high school, I was relatively average sized, might've had the slightest beginner belly. I guess I was a victim of the Freshman 15 in college. The first signs of weight gain I remember from then was my thighs rubbing together. The chaffing was unbelievable! I was able to get some relief using Gold Bond powder and lotion. I wasn't actively gaining at the time.

It wasn't until I was out of college and working that I decided to take the plunge and actively embrace gaining. I started by going to BK every work day for lunch. I'd get a double cheeseburger w/ fries and a drink. I think that was around the time that the Bacon King came out. I tried that occasionally, but that was a struggle to finish in one sitting. I think I might've gaining a little bit of weight during that time, but not more than 15-20 lbs.

Then I went overseas and lost weight pretty dramatically. I was 195-200 lbs when I departed and the lowest weight I reached was around 160 lbs. I was overseas for almost two years, then came back stateside around the time that the pandemic started.

When I returned, I self-isolated at some friends' vacant apartment (they had moved out but the lease wasn't up for another month or so). During that time, I hopped back on the Gain Train again and ordered food in most every night for dinner. By the time I came out of self-isolation, I was up to 180 lbs. It didn't take long for me to get back up to 195 lbs.

I got a different job, one that involved being on the road a lot, so fast food was a convenience I took advantage of most every day. I blew up beyond 195 lbs and my weight creeped steadily past 200. By the next year, I had gaining 45 lbs since returning to the States.

And today, I'm sitting comfortably around 220-225 lbs, with my sights on reaching 235 lbs over the course of the next few months. I might start incorporating some gym time into my routine, just so I can get some upper body strength and bulkier build. Wish me luck!

Really random manifestation: since I can't regularly practice I've worked around it like most closet/frugal witches. I use the app viridi for succulents and last year in like April or May I started my first pot and randomly felt like naming it "Tohru," after the main characters of one of my favorite manga/anime, Fruits Basket.

Now, the 2004 (I'm pretty sure) anime never concluded. It followed the manga pretty decently up until the last two episodes, which was very out of left field and left much to be desired. It's been a long hope that it would pick up again.

Then, as any one else who follows Tohru and the Sohmas story, it was announced in Fall 2018 that the anime was being rebooted, with plans to follow through the entire story and the main trio was given the same voice cast for the English dub, coming out in April of this year, 2019.

This was fantastic news and having it for a couple of months, I've only just realized my manifestation through succulents factoring in.

For anyone who doesn't know, this is a beautiful story of friendship and compassion and forgiveness and one of the greatest mangas to shape who I am.

I'm still new to all of this, but I can feel magick flowing through me as I realize all of this and despite my mental health issues I feel so at peace.

currently trying to start over and start fresh, people can be something they tell you they aren’t, people can be cruel and untrustworthy and i’m still trying to learn that. i don’t know what exactly to turn to or what to do, but i don’t know i might talk on here about how i’m growing and moving along. spread love and light only.

lux<3

Hello lovely friendos~!

Okay so first things first, I have A LOT of recent art I need to upload, so I’ll be showing a recent completed piece or two or three every day, and then you’ll get to see W.I.P. art and everything~

Secondly, so okay, I’m just gonna do a quick introduction :3

Aha so my name is Crow and I absolutely love to draw~ What you’ll find here mainly is fanart from my favorite things (Elder Scrolls and Undertale), misc fanart, and a LOT of personal things like OC’s, comics, and maybe some time I’ll start giving sneak peaks of concept art into my BIG project that’s currently a secret~!

I like to describe myself basically as a trash artist, shut-in gamer, and depressive memer~ That’s really about it aha! The only other important thing is that basically all of my friends are in England, and I am American, still in the U.S.! So I have a personal journey I am trying to make and hope to share that with you as well, but that’s probably the most personal I’ll get. What you’ll mainly see here is art, only delving into my personal life just a little, and hopefully a good time!

Really hope to influence others~

Cheers my new friends, please wait for the art to come : )

Happy 5 years since coming out, @danielhowell! 🌈

Start of a new journey

I'm not sure if I want to post this because if I do I will have to hold myself accountable. Starting on the first I want to start loosing weight. I know it will be hard do to money situations so healthy food isn't going to be a huge option. But I way about 277 at this time. I've tried to lose weight before but I always lose hope and motivation. I'm not really sure how I'm going to do this, and I know it's going to take a while but I really want to be healthier. If anyone has any tips that could help me I would really appreciate it. -Nova 💜

Weight lose journey

So I didn't start off that good this year. It's been stressful. But I have started to change my eating habits and what I'm eating in general. I have already lost 2 pounds. It might not seem like much but it's a step.