Starting Over - Tumblr Posts

Real Life And Stuff

*warning talks of mental abuse* I had sincerely hoped to post a collection update for the past several days, but personal life has been, well…

Let's just say, I desperately need to vent about somethings. That is what my entry is going to be about. It won't bother me if you skip over this, as there will be some considerable length. It is possible someone else is encountering a similar experience, and these words will aid them?

In my introductions, I mention 17 years of mental abuse by an ex. While the relationship has been broken off with "R" (as I shall dub him), we still live together. The man currently has dementia; this has made his grumpy dinosaur side even worse. Yesterday, he verbally mistreated me by falsely saying I'm a "sleazy slut" and bluntly informed me about my "slut mouth." Fun times! On Thursday, his verbal abuse got so severe, that it almost drove me to ending it all. An online friend talked me down while I tenderly held and cried all over my Buggy plush, he was drenched.

Still living with this horrid man has inevitably become an absolute nightmare. "R" desperately keeps trying to get in my pants, no thank you! I am demisexual, that emotional connection once formed with "R" has been lost for years! I've just kept going through the motions, as a foolish creature of habit, familiarity and routine. Sex, something I traditionally view as a sacred act, became merely nothing but a chore with him. Trying frequently to discover desperate ways out of having to sleep with him; this would bring forth his terrible wrath! He would subsequently threaten to kick me out into the streets. Why stay with him so long? As to why I stayed so long, because a piece of myself was willingly given to this disappointment of a man. My unfortunate lack of friends doesn't help, as I'm an odd duck. *quack* *quack* Then there is the fact, that it's awkward finding a "mate" and didn't want to experience this precious life alone. Probably, because I am just plain stupid too. I won't lie, there have been good times with the man. We have been on many grand adventures, from a cruise to Disney World!

In notable addition, my mental illness makes change in routine hard. Changes really throw me off, and "R" naturally became, well…routine! Breaking up with him was surreal and has undoubtedly taken some time to adjust to. Nevertheless, it is legitimately SO liberating!!! Why continue living with "R," why not get out now? I have no support system here, when it comes to local friends and family. Truthfully, it is all long distance. If the internet didn't exist, I would typically have no friends! I'm on SSDI disability; I can only afford low income housing. Currently the section 8 waiting list is closed for my state. If and when I get on the list, it is a 2 to 3 year wait…This area has severely limited resources too. The odd fact that I can't drive doesn't help matters either. I've never been capable, due to over thinking and panicking behind the wheel.

Despite how "R" has treated me, he is a human being. I don't want to completely abandon him. His family will merely toss him away into a facility, like yesterday's trash. Right now, he is too high functioning for that. However, his family doesn't want to step in and help either. Indeed, they are all aware what is happening to him. Hell, his Step-mother wouldn't even help me get a couple of hours to do something profoundly meaningful. Which is the One Piece concert happening in Las Vegas this Saturday. *cries* To actually hear "The Drums of Liberation" in person, would bring tears to my delighted eyes.

"R's" cousin humbly admitted to me a few months ago, that she knows how abusive "R" can be in a relationship. How I have a kind heart for staying, this kind heart has inevitably had enough! His Step-mother sent me a text last week apologizing that I've had to deal with this. Fuck, then why not help with this situation foolish idiotic woman?! Instead of declaring bluntly to me, "We have a life too you know!" I possess a god damn life too!! Which 17 years of it have been wasted with "R"…but I dearly want to live again!

If it wasn't for my genuine love and fond attachment to Buggy the Star Clown, I would have completely crumbled. Hell, that almost did happen twice recently. I know Luffy is ordinarily the one who liberates. For me, it is Buggy who is gallantly helping to unlock the gates of glorious freedom from my own personal Impel Down! I plan to carefully design a tattoo centered around him and the freedom he has and will give me.

I've made it this far, it would be a shame for me to give up now. I'll naturally continue being brave and wait for the joyous day where I rise eagerly from those ashes.

I 100% agree with this! This is soooooo worth reposting!

I have decided that today is day 1. everything before today was just research and practice

What are you doing?

Please answer me. So you’re going where – to the beach? Is that how you’ve chosen to deal with me? Why didn’t you just tell me you didn’t burn the raft? Why won’t you speak to me, Jin? What have I done to deserve this? When did we stop talking? I was going to leave you! I was going to get away. But you made me change my mind. You made me think that you still loved me. I want to go back to the beginning. Can’t we… just start all over?

Sun, LOST

currently trying to start over and start fresh, people can be something they tell you they aren’t, people can be cruel and untrustworthy and i’m still trying to learn that. i don’t know what exactly to turn to or what to do, but i don’t know i might talk on here about how i’m growing and moving along. spread love and light only.

lux<3

“Recently, my successful and long running primary blog - masterknox.tumblr.com - was terminated for violating community guidelines. It was a fantastic ~15 year run though. So many friendships built over the years. So many of my thoughts, experiences, escapades and the like all documented like a digital scrapbook I would occasionally pilfer through and have a grand old time reminiscing with. So many followers. So many asks. So many submissions. So many amazing things. So much…just..lost. It’s a tough pill to swallow but I suppose it’s my own fault. I’m too much of a filthy, ungovernable deviant apparently. I’m good with that though. So good with that. I guess I’ll have to start over and try to remain a bit more compliant this go ‘round.

Though there is not much yet, I’ll be working on growing things here. If you all would help me get this one going by re-blogging, sending Asks and Submissions, I’d be very appreciative.

Thank you and keep kicking ass. I love every damn one of you. From the upstanding, classy members of the community right on down through to you depraved, uncontrollable kink addicts.”

- Master Knox

“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

the inherent pain of wanting to start again but also the inherent joy of getting to start again

Still Here (+2)

Summary: 100% tooth-rotting fluff. Madison sees fireflies for the first time when Timothée takes the two of you to the lake again.

A/N: There are scenes I had in mind for my Still Here series that just didn't quite fit cleanly into any of the chapters, so I decided to add some "deleted scenes." Catch up on the main storyline here.

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"What was that?" Madison squeaked, pointing toward the woods.

"What was what?" Timothée asked. He stood and looked around protectively, but didn't see anything different or out of sorts. The three of you had been at the lake for hours, and dusk was creeping up on you.

"There it is again! A little flash of light!" Madison shouted.

You saw Timothée's shoulders relax. "Those are fireflies," you replied.

"Fireflies?"

"Some people call them lightning bugs," Timothée added. "Let's see if we can catch one."

"Won't it burn you?" Madison asked, skeptical of his proposal.

Timothée chuckled. "No, kiddo. But they do taste nasty, so don't try to eat one!"

She twisted her mouth to make a sour face. "Have YOU eaten one?" she asked incredulously.

That earned a fully belly laugh from both of you. "No," he replied, "but I read that frogs will spit them right back out if they eat one. They produce a chemical that makes them taste bitter."

"Oh, there's one!" you shouted.

Timothée slowly stalked the tiny bug before suddenly reaching out and clasping his hands together. "I got it! Want to come see?" he asked Madison.

The girl was not a huge fan of bugs, but her curiosity outweighed her normal disgust. She walked over to Timothée, who was now crouched and sitting on his feet. He parted his thumbs to make a small hole.

"Look in here," he said. Not even a second later, the bug flashed, and Madison gasped in wonder.

"Can I catch one?" she turned to ask you.

"Have at it. Just make sure you cup your hands so you don't squish it," you replied. She ran after the next one she spotted. Timothée stood, let his firefly go, and walked to the boat to rummage through the storage bin under his seat. He came back with a glass jar and proceeded to poke holes in the lid with his pocket knife.

"Timothée, I got one! I got one!" Madison shrieked.

"Good job, kiddo! Bring it over here."

"It tickles!" she said through a laugh.

"Here, let's see if we can get it in the jar. You drop it in, and I'll close the lid real quick." The cycle continued until they had 4-5 fireflies contained. "Go show your mom."

"Look, Mom!" Madison ran over to show you the jar up close, with Timothée following shortly behind.

"These are so pretty," you said in awe. "It's been a long time since I've seen fireflies. Timothée and I used to come out to the lake and sit on the tailgate to watch them float around.

"Well, we did more than-"

You cleared your throat and darted your eyes at your daughter.

Timothée blushed. "I mean, we did that many times," he corrected himself. He winked and snuck a kiss when Madison turned away.

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Masterlist

Tag List:

@croatianprincess

@bluizh

@jindongdongie

@groovy-lady

Speechless

And then there are the kisses he gives me, that make me forget I have a mouth.

But Really?

Today, I think I may finally have started to believe that he actually wants me around.

Interlude

My hand sliding around his waist, he is still unclothed and I am only partially so, yet it does not matter in this moment, resting together in the hallway. Nothing matters at all.

Tempered

And he drove clear across town for no other reason than that I wanted a hug.

God, please don't let me fuck this up.

Unbecoming

I don't understand what it is that someone like him could see in someone like me.

How?

How can this be real?

When is it all going to come unraveled in my hands?

In Perfection

A finger run down his jawline, tangled in his beard then released. Skin on skin no quarter given, even to air. The words bubble up to my lips and burst unuttered, oh God that look, I've come undone and he holds me close.

I am scared.

I've never been scared like this before.

Girl Talk

I told my sister

"He is so out of my league.

He could have any woman he wants, what in the hell is he doing with me?"

And sister said, with gleaming eyes-

"But don't you what to know what he said to me about you?"

Conscious Stream

We can go for weeks being superficial and then one or the other lets something deeper slip and there it is the connection that transcends sex and jokes and simple platitudes and it touches that part that scares me yet at the same time it's the part I've been looking for seeking to reclaim and then I don't hear from him for hours afterward like he felt it and was scared away too and dear God why can't this be simple, it feels good so why does it have to be so complicated?

I've typed "my ex" several times in chat this week.

That's all.

I've typed "my ex".

It's what you are.

i fear for the future, i’m 18, what is in store for me dear god

girl help i’m starting over again for the 1000th time & i’m beginning to think that life is a never-ending cycle of starting over & i actually have to make peace with that in order to move forward

Abbadon, Angel of the Abyss :3