Scientists Sitcom - Tumblr Posts

Biowogy, geowogy, astrowomy, chemuwustry, sowocial sciwence, paweontowogy, engayneering, femsics, mathemeowtics, meowdicine, computer science, psychowogy

Organic Chemist: Everything left of the staircase on the periodic table is metal.

Inorganic Chemist: Actually, boron, carbon, aluminum, silicon, arsenic, tellurium, and astatine are metalloids

Astronomer: Everything but hydrogen and helium are metals.

Physicist: all nonmetals become metallic under very high pressure and low temperature.

Biologist: I think there's like one type of snail that has some metal in their shells 🤷

Sorry if I don't answer asks right away, I don't always have time or am in the right headspace to be able to meet my standard of quality. Most things on my blogs are queued.

Also, I have a side blog called @ravings-of-a-mad-scientist-2 for reblogs, replies, off topic asks, and miscellaneous thingos so that the main blog doesn't get cluttered, FOLLOW IT NOW!

My new "main" blog is @erose-this-name, it's not at all like these other two blogs! (I also write psych horror scifi) FOLLOW ME, OR BE SUBSUMED INTO THE VALLEY OF FLESH!

Tags:

#scientists sitcom - funny skits involving -ologists, very funny, very popular

#hero x villain - I guess this tag is it's whole own thing, but I do them because I think it's kinda funny to make short skits parodying the heroes to lovers genre involving characters that are parodies of comic book and romance tropes.

#asks - I love getting asks!

#mad scientist - You see my blog's name, right? You know what website this is? What do you think is my stance on mad scientists?

#chemiballs - like countryballs, but elements and chemicals!

Paleontologist: I became a paleontologist because dinosaurs are cool

Astronomer: I became an astronomer because space is cool

Chemist: I became a chemist because explosions are cool

Archeologist: I became an archeologist because Indiana Jones is cool

Mycologist: I. Fucking. LOVE. Mushrooms.

Paleontologist: Uh…

Mycologist: IWillLiterallyMurderYouJustSoICanWatchFungiBreakDownYourDecayingRemainsDon’tTestMeBoneBoy

Math

Geologist: I do more math than you might think

Chemist: I mean, chemical equations are basically mathematical equations. If you think about it (I also do math math)

Physicist: Oh, yeah, it’s all math but we just handwave it

Mathematician: YOU DO WHAT!?

Quantum Physicist: *regularly does math that is literally beyond human comprehension* *now resides in a higher plane of existence*

Engineer: If I don’t do this math correctly PEOPLE WILL DIE

Military Scientist: If I don’t do this math correctly PEOPLE WILL SURVIVE

Topologist: If I don’t do this math correctly PEOPLE WILL BE MOSTLY UNAFFECTED

Philosopher: But what even IS math, really? No seriously, what is it?

Organic Chemist: I kinda forgot how to do math, to be honest

Biologist: I literally only chose this field so I wouldn’t have to do as much math. I love stamp collecting

Biostatistician: wtf

Workaholics Anonymous 

Science Major: Man, I sure wish I had time to enjoy college but I have so much studying and homework to do. At least I'll get an easy high paying job after, right?

Physicist: I think I have a pretty good work life balance (does not, actually) and I think my grad students should have the same work life balance (which is not having that)

Astronomer: I work *about 40 hour weeks, but sometimes there are hours are in the middle of the night 'cause, y'know, stars. But who needs a consistent sleep schedule, really? Not me. I got Redbull.

Geologist: Sometimes I get to spend 15 hours a day wandering through the desert in severe weather conditions looking for cool rocks! also I have to like survey the land or whatever so I can get money

Chemist: Oh, you know, my PI only lets me see my family at night for dinner, then I have to come back and sleep in the lab, but overall I’d say I’m not too stressed.

Physician: Well, I had to work really hard, so why shouldn't everyone else have to work even harder? I'm sure the patients could only benefit from everyone being sleep deprived.

Biologist: I work so much I don’t even remember the last time I wasn’t working.

Science Major: huh?

Biologist: I MUST OBSERVE THE CRAB AT ALL TIMES. I OBSERVE THE CRAB EVEN AS WE SPEAK. IF I DO NOT PUBLISH 60 PAPERS ON CRAB BEHAVIOR BY NEXT YEAR MY COLLEAGUES WILL SENSE MY WEAKNESS AND DEVOUR ME ALIVE, LIKE A PACK OF STARVING CRABS

Computer Scientist: Um… I work from home for at most 8 hours a day then play video games

Biologist: *licks lips*

Computer Scientist (Game Dev): I would murder you if I wasn't so... oh there I go- *passes out from exhaustion (hasn't slept or touched grass in five years)*

Psychologist: How come evil scientists in movies are always biologists, physicists, chemists, and engineers?

Military Scientist: Yeah! Where’s all the evil mad military scientists!? Do you have any idea how many people I’ve killed using science? How many people that other people have killed thanks to my military theories and formulas?

Astronomer: Uh… yeah. Well, a mad astronomer could make first contact with aliens and convince them to take over the world? That would be a pretty cool villain idea. Of course it is pretty unlikely we'll ever get to meet aliens but y'know...

Meteorologist: Or a mad meteorologist could… like… predict the weather incorrectly. And minorly inconvenience a bunch of people!

Psychologist: Oh, so like you!

Meteorologist: shut up

Geologist: An evil geologist could discover some evil rocks! And add them to his private rock collection so no one else gets to see them! That's just so EVIL!

Anthropologist: Oh, or a mad anthropologist could make real life have regionally and historically inaccurate language, clothing, and architecture, just like in a movie! It’d be completely immersion breaking!

Ornithologist: *gasps* THEY COULD RELEASE LOONS EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD AND ANNOY PEOPLE WITH REGIONALLY INACCURATE BIRD CALLS!

Psychologist: You know what? I was actually an evil mad psychologist this whole time and was trying to manipulate you guys into turning evil, but you all just kinda suck. I don't know if I even want you on my side anymore. 

Military Scientist: *whispers into radio* She said I suck, start the bombardment

The Big Three

Geology: I think geology should be one of the big fields of science. It doesn’t really fit neatly as a branch of physics, chemistry, or biology since it draws on all three.

Physics: No. For one, everything is physics so that argument doesn't mean anything.

Biology: UnLeSs iT's StAmP CoLlEcTiNg, right?

Physics: *sighs*

Biology: Also we’re called ‘the big three’, if we added another then it’d be, like, more than three. Some mysterious higher number.

Chemistry: Besides, we’re the big fields because we’re the most important and popular.

Geology: Geology is important! We’re the ones who find all the oil to mine! 

Biology: Yeah, could you stop doing that, actually? It’s kinda, y’know, causing the slow apocalypse as we speak. But at least it’s better than the fast nuclear apocalypse, physics.

Physics: Ummm… You know what? I’ve had enough of you stamp collectors with your… uh… collections of things! I'm not letting you join our club unless you can do math. 

Biology: *Gasps* not math…

Geology: *hides rock collection behind back* Hey, I do… math. Sometimes.

Physics: Yeah? Like what?

Geology: Oh, y’know, just some geometry and a little geophysical fluid dynamics of the entire mantle, ocean, and atmosphere.

Physics: Oh, shit, I can't even do that. You’re in.

Chemistry: Alright, but don’t let the social sciences know we’re letting new people in or-

Anthropology: HEY GUYS

Physics Can't Stamp Collect

Biology: You always accuse me of not being able to do math, Physics, but can you STAMP COLLECT???

Physics: Uh, sure! I can collect things… like… um…

Biology: Uh-huh?

Physics: I mean, I got a bunch of cool looking Greek symbols!

Biology: Which you invented arbitrarily, not discovered.

Physics: They represent things I discovered! Like phenomena and physical constants!

Biology: And what kind of taxonomy do those have? Do you even have entire sub disciplines dedicated purely to organizing the sheer number of these phenomena and constants? Are there even millions and millions of categories in it?

Physics: Um, wait, you have entire fields dedicated to organizing your stamp collections?

Biology: Why, of course! Sure sounds like you've got a pretty shit collection, then. I bet any attempt at making a universally consistent naming convention or taxonomy isn’t even an impossible Sisyphean struggle against the inherent chaos and inelegance of nature which is entirely incompatible with the human desire to categorize things that by their very nature cannot be categorized. I bet there aren’t even exceptions with exceptions to every rule. Weak. 

Chemistry: DID I HEAR SOMEONE SAY A COLLECTION OF MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF NAMES WITH CONFUSING CONVENTIONS AND EXCEPTIONS WITH EXCEPTIONS?

I DEMAND MORE MILITARY SCIENTIST REPRESENTATION.

I WORK HARD TO MAKE SURE THIRD WORLD COUNTRY'S GET THE FREEDOM THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR, ONE BULLET AT A TIME!

God bless America!

(is this a parody? Yes. Do I want more military scientist in those lil skits you do? Also yes)

Well, I can only say that, much like the elections of those third world countries, you have successfully influenced me to reprioritize my queue. It will be out Monday.

Please don't kill me.

Are any Fields with “Science” in their Name Actually Sciences?

Military Scientist: It’s called “military science” because we apply the scientific method and rigor to military problems. For instance: how many artillery shells are needed to make sure those guys over there are either very dead or are deaf and have crippling PTSD? We’ll just run an experiment to make a formula for that. I got a PhD in this!

Political Scientist: I mean, we TRY to use a more rational scientific approach to politics. Like what policies actually work and which ones just sound like they work. Of course it’s the policies that sound good that actually get the votes so no one really listens to us but y’know

Computer Scientist: I’m not entirely sure if it’s really a science since we made most of this stuff up in the first place, it’s more like engineering, but it sounds cool. Computer science!

Library Scientist: *sighs* Yes, library science is a social science and all the social sciences are sciences, and so are the formal sciences like computer science. You could have easily looked this up. Now, SHHH!

Citizen Scientist: I’m not a real scientist, but I’m doing science!

Mad Scientist: So what if I don't have a real degree? So what if I don't use controls, or the scientific method, or even write anything down?? Neither did Frankenstein! Isn't mental illness and a lab coat enough?!

Christian Scientist: Yeah, I’m definitely not a real scientist. We’re the prayer warrior people. It sounded cool back when science was new, I guess, idk.

Scientist: The heck, this isn't the VShojo convention?

Meanwhile, at the Annual Mollusk Taxonomy Convention

Taxonomist 1: I think this population of blorb snails count as their own species under the phylogenetic and biological species concepts. Their last common ancestor was between 5 and 100 million years ago, idk, my 35 year old copy of Clustal finally exploded so I just eyeballed it, but they totally got wack cytochrome C oxidase genes, even though for the most part they're genetically pretty similar and they still look and act exactly the same in every way and also both live in the same place as each other. The only reason why they don’t interbreed is they have like a single incompatible protein thingo, which is also more or less the only meaningful phenotypic difference between them.

(this is an actual thing that can happen. They’re called cryptic species and species complexes and they hurt my soul) 

Taxonomist 2: No. It’s more pragmatic and useful to just use the morphological and ecological species concepts here; and they say fuck you and your dumb snails. I wanna lump all existing species into half as many species, there’s too many fucking species.

Taxonomist 1: you wanna fucking say that to my face you little shit?

Taxonomist 3: Hey, real quick, what do you guys think about the possibility of reclassifying the Blorb genus under Littorinidae instead of Muricidae? Because I already wrote a paper on it, so that's the case now. Cry about it.

Taxonomist 2: I think today is the day bitches die.

*Mexican standoff using conch shells as blunt weapons ensued, there were no survivors.*

*This is unfortunately the leading cause of death among all taxonomists*

Scientist Stereotypes

Biologist: Can't do math

Theoretical Physicist: Can’t do anything but math

Geologist: Rock collection addict

Military Scientist: Meet the Engineer TF2

Archeologist: Thinks about the Roman Empire more times a day than most men think about sex 

Sexologist: Thinks about sex more times a day than most men think about the Roman Empire

Chemist: A pyromaniac and/or is very fun at parties

Science Communicator: Is only fun at parties when everyone else there are nerds

Mycologist/Entomologist: They are VERY interested and passionate about gross things and THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM

Computer Scientist: gay

STE(A)M Meeting

Engineer: What if we added Art to STEM, so it says STEAM? Like a STEAM ENGINE?

Biologist: but i like stems…

Physicist: Sorry, but STEAM’s got my vote. I approve of all 7(ish?) phases of water. I think.

Computer Scientist: I vote for STEAM too, #PC gaming master race

Set Theorist: I will also vote in favor of increasingly large collections of seemingly unrelated things.

Education Professor: That's all very... dumb. F-. But, I have a pretty good idea on how to use the A so I'll vote for it too!

Biologist: :(

Artist: wtf, why am I here? What kinda nerdy sausage party is this?

Education Professor: (on hands and knees) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE OUR CURRICULUMS LESS BORING I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP ALL MY STUDENTS FALLING ASLEEP IF THEY CAN'T BE CREATIVE PLEASE

Differences between Research and Applied Scientists

Applied Psychologist: I love talking to people!

Research Psychologist: I love stalking people!

Applied Biologist: I’m going to save lives!

Research Biologist: omg look at this cool bug i found!!1! im gonna name it Coolius buggius!!1!

Applied Geologist: I’m going to find important deposits and make money! Also, omg look at this cool rock i found!!1! 

Research Geologist: omg look at this cool rock i found!!1! im gonna name it coolrockite!!!

Applied Chemist: I’m going to go into industry so I have enough time and money to blow things up in my yard!

Research Chemist: omg look at this cool green electrochemical synthesis of a novel high-nitrogen energetic material i found!!1! im gonna name it dihydroxylammonium 5,5′-bistetrazole-1,1′-diolate!!!

Research Political Scientist: don’t worry im totally fine with just writing about political science and basically only being able to make any money by teaching political science to people who will never use political science meanwhile corrupt 100 year old veteran jock business major influencers are in office don’t worry i didn’t want to be elected anyway im not gonna cry just give me a minute im fine

Applied Political Scientist: HOLY SHIT IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!1!

Military scientist: hey so I made a missile that's just a massive thing of swords.

physicist: ok yeah no that makes sense

Military scientist: Next up I'm going to drop a tungsten rod from so high up it's basically a nuke

physicist: wha- no, that wouldn't work.

Military scientist:

Physicist: anyway, wanna hear about my cool rocket idea that is powered by exploding tiny nukes underneath it? we just need you to invent a cheap nuke that could fit in a suitcase and we'll be to jupiter by- wait, where are you going?

Mad Scientist Convention 

Mad Scientist: So, how did all of you go mad?

Mad Psychologist: If you stare into the abyss (Freud) too long, it stares back!

Mad Quantum Physicist: I have witnessed cosmic horrors beyond human comprehension!

Mad Astronomer: GLIMPSED THE INSIGNIFICANCE AND FRAGILITY OF OUR PLACE IN THE INFINITE COSMOS!!!

Mad Chemist: Too much heavy metal poisoning. Happy unbirthday, by the way!

Mad Geologist: Yeah, me too. Shouldn’t have licked all those rocks.

Mad Physician: This one time I didn't sleep for nine days straight because this one guy “fell” on a firework and blew up his butt and went to a chiropractor first who somehow made it worse. I just lost all faith in humanity after that.

Mad Computer Scientist: I forgot ONE semicolon! Isn't that right Dr. Rubber Ducky?

Mad Rubber Ducky: 

Mad Computer Scientist: Wilson? WILSON!?

i just realized my scientist sitcom skits are basically one of those ticktok where someone talks to themselves with a towel on their head and i dunno how i feel about that

Scientist Stereotypes (For Biologists)

Marine Biologist: Would surely wither and perish without the sustenance provided by constant blåhaj ownership.

Microbiologist: has only ever touched grass once, by accident (they were collecting microbe samples)

Paleontologist: Someone gave this 8 year old a PhD and also made them into an adult with anxiety! Who would do such a thing???

Geneticist: Still uses Windows Vista, best case scenario.

Immunologist: Lost all their money to their crippling addiction of commissioning furry art. Currently on a new age spirit journey scraping together their tattered remains of a soul (unrelated)

Physician: Guides others to a treasure they cannot possess; any semblance of physical or mental health

Entomologist: has that 'tism where they're easily distracted by bugs like a dog by squirrels

Field Biologist: Went on sabbatical to the Amazon and contracted 59 novel parasites, they all died of fear, immediately took a vacation to Antarctica and single handedly invented a species of penguin. Documented that the Glob Sloth literally doesn’t do anything interesting ever by watching one for 9 years straight while surviving off only dust particles and undergrad tears. Then held a wake for bestboy Blue Eyes White Toad after he was tragically killed off during the mating season arc of the soap opera they imagine all the wild animals are in.

i like how whenever i make a joke about how biologists can't do math (comedic overexaggeration) all the replies are evenly divided between

1. nonbiologists (who don't realize I am a biologist) whiteknighting biology by nonbiologistsplaining how biologists can do math actually because stats

2. biologists laughing about how it's true and math is the bane of their existence

im not supposed to math, im just a bio, im supposed to be stamp collecting and observing flatworms, not verifying that my hypothesis is statistically significant with data and models